October 10, 2009
Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

«archive page

Allergy script

Listen (MP3)
Listen (RealAudio)

(DARK CHORDS)

SS: This fall, I suddenly felt fatigued, achey, stuffed up. It hit me hard on a Saturday morning. I had no energy, no interest in life. What's wrong with me, Dr. Shuwiler? Do I have swine flu?

TR: No, Jennifer.

SS: Food poisoning?

TR: No.

SS: Some sort of allergy?

TR: Yes, Jennifer, I'm afraid you've developed a very rare allergy that we don't quite know how to treat yet. (PAUSE A BEAT) You've become allergic to the Midwes, Jennifer. You're going to have to leave and make a life somewhere else.

SS: But this is my home. My friends are here. All the values I hold dear.

TR: I'm sorry but you'll have to move to Europe. Or New York. California, so long as you stay on the coast. You need salt air and fresh fruit and cultural diversity.

SS: But I love the Midwest.

TR: Of course you do. But there's something here that irritates the inner lining of your brain. It could be soybeans, it could be melted cheese, it could be a lack of irony. The only known cure is to go away.

SS: (weeping) There isn't a vaccine?

TR: No, and what's worse, Jennifer, is that you're highly contagious. You have to leave now.

TK: I'm from the Public Health Department, Jennifer. I have a warrant for your deportation. I'm taking you to the Isle of Capri. Put on this bikini.

SS: But my job! Teaching 8th grade English! Those kids need me?

TR: Too bad, Jennifer. You're going to Italy. Face facts.

SS: Will my health insurance cover this?

GK: Probably not.

SS: What can I do? I have no savings, no assets, and life in the Midwest is irritating the inner lining of my brain and making me miserable.

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie—

RHUBARB JINGLE

ALL:
R-H-U-B-A-R-B
(CLAPS)
MAKES A PERSON WILD AND FREE
(DRUMS)
L-I-B-E-R-T-Y
(CLAPS)
SERVE IT IN A CAKE OR PIE
(DRUMS)
BEBOPAREEBOP
BEBOPAREEBOP
BEBOPAREEBOP
........YEAH.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

American Public Media © |   Terms and Conditions   |   Privacy Policy