October 10, 2009
Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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Ketchup script

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GK: after a word from the Ketchup Advisory Board.

You work in a very nice office, where people are friendly (SERIES OF GREETINGS: HI— GOOD MORNING!— HI THERE — HOW ARE YOU???) and people care about other people (SINGING: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU"), and the boss doesn't care if you take personal phone calls (SS: Oh hi — wow, that was some party last night — man, you are wild. What time? Six? Sure. Bye, beautiful. Mmmmmwah.) and Fridays are casual (

TK: Hey, nice pajamas) and people share food at lunchtime (SS: "I love your meat loaf Caesar") and it's okay if you bring your dog to work (BARKS) and to take a mental health day once in awhile (TR: "I just wanted to reconnect with the happy loving child that was me") and then something happened. You walked in one day and the receptionist had flecks of spittle around her lips (SS DEEP GROWLY VOICE, "CITRIX IS DOWN, CITRIX IS DOWN") and management seemed very uptight (WHIP CRACKS) and the copier was going berserk (COPIER RUNNING FASTER AND FASTER, CRIES OF ALARM) and somebody stole your lunch from the fridge (

TK: My cheeseburger's gone! And they left me this possum sandwich. Yikes!) and the UPS man came after you with a tape dispenser (SFX) and the video conferencing screen was broadcasting an image of sulphuric flames and dancing satyrs (SFX: CRACKLE OF FLAMES) and alarms are going off (ALARMS)

GK: .... and they're stringing barbed wire to barricade the reception area (SFX, VOICES OF CREW) and the employees huddle together in the conference room.

SS: What's going on here? What happened to us?

TR: You know something? Maybe we're not getting enough ketchup.

GK: Some body forgot to replenish the ketchup. It's so easy to forget. But those little red packets, that big red bottle, are crucial to any workplace. With ketchup on hand, life quickly returns to normal (

TK: Hey, nice pajamas) (

TR: I love those snickerdoodles.) (

SS: Tonight. Six o'clock. I'll be there.) (WOOFS) A message from the Ketchup Advisory Board.

RD (SINGS):
These are the good times,
Under sunny skies.
Time to be mellow,
Time to harmonize.
Life is flowing
Like ketchup on your fries.

GK: Ketchup......for the good times.

RD: Ketchup....ketchup....ketchup.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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