October 10, 2009
Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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Guy Noir

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions -- Guy Noir, Private Eye --

(MUSIC)

GK: It was October, and it was turning cold, colder than your ex-wife's new boyfriend. It made you think about places with a lot of vowels in the name, like Cuernavaca and Puerto Vallarta. Places where you could lie on the beach and be toasted like a panini. And I was thinking about a woman named Dolores Peterson, the winner of twenty-four million dollars in the Super Lotto, wondering why I hadn't married her when I had the chance. I saw her on the Evening News, looking all happy—

SS (WEEPY, HAPPY): I knew something good was going to happen! I knew it! I could feel it. And when I walked into that deli, I heard a voice that said, Go ahead. It said, Go ahead. So I bought the lottery ticket and here I am.

GK: And then I remembered her — I'd seen her in Danny's Deli last week. Danny's Deli! I was there. I was looking at the apple fritters and trying to decide and she came up and I said, Go ahead. And she did. She bought the lottery ticket meant for me and I bought the one that was worth zilch. If I'd gotten there five minutes earlier or if I hadn't been so polite, I would have won twenty-four million dollars. Twenty-four million... (STING) It's sort of a jolt to think that it almost was yours.

TR (QUIZ SHOW HOST, REVERB): And the winner of the twenty-four million dollar grand prize is— (FANFARE) Mr. Guy — oh oh — hold on— Miss Dolores Peterson. And the winner of the second prize, which is a handful of sunshine and a pitcher of warm spit, is Mr. Guy Noir.

GK: I went over and over my activities that morning. I turned on the coffeemaker (SFX) and I listened to the news on the radio (AUDIO SFX). The phone rang, and I let it go to voice mail...

TR: Hello, I'm calling to see if you'd be willing to help us stop the melting of glaciers in Greenland.

GK: And my sister Georgina called — and I had to talk to her —

SS (ON PHONE): You remember a girl named Margie?

GK: Right. Margie O'Bleness.

SS: Right. I was trying to think of her last name.

GK: It was O'Bleness.

SS: Good. I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't remember names anymore.

GK: What about Margie O'Bleness?

SS: I was just trying to think of her last name. You used to date her, right?

GK: Right. Years ago.

SS: Wasn't she from North Dakota?

GK: She was. Why?

SS: I'm just trying to remember. And wasn't there a song called "Margie”?

GK: I suppose so.

SS: How did that go?

GK: I don't know.

SS: We used to sing it all the time.

GK: Why are you trying to remember this?

SS: I was just thinking about it this morning.

GK: Well, put it out of your mind. Think about something else.

GK: But now I was thinking about it so I had to rummage around in the record collection and find this old 45 (RUMMAGING IN JUNK) I had to find the 45 gizmo to put on the turntable of the phonograph and play the tune—(SCRATCHY RECORD)

TR (CROONER, ON RECORD):
My little Margie,
I'm always thinking of you, Margie!
I'll tell the whole wide world I love you;
Don't forget your promise to me,
You know, I bought the home, ring and everything,

GK: And then I had to Google her and look at a thousand different websites that mentioned a Margie O'Bleness and not find her and then listen to the record again —(SCRATCHY RECORD)

TR (CROONER, ON RECORD):
After all is said and done,
There is really only one,
Margie, Margie, it's you!

GK: And that was where I lost my place in line to win twenty-four million dollars, listening to a record just because my sister Georgina mentioned an old flame to me. — Why? And then I go into Danny's Deli and the winning ticket is there and —

TK (WENDELL): Hi, Mr. Noir.

GK: And the like a big dope I say—Go ahead.

SS: Oh thanks. Uh— I would like... a decaf cappuccino with skim milk – no, no, make that a latte with soy milk – actually, on second thought, could you put two shots of espresso into a cup and then heat up some goat milk –

TK (WENDELL): We're out of goat's milk today.

SS: Oh. Okay. How about an egg salad sandwich?

TK (WENDELL): On white, whole wheat, Kaiser roll, sourdough, or croissant?

SS: Oh, my goodness. Choices, choices. I don't know. Why don't you go ahead, sir—

GK: No, you're in line, go ahead, take your time, no rush.

SS: Oh, I just don't know — are the croissants made here?

TK (WENDELL): No, we buy them in bulk from a factory in Connecticut.

SS: Well, rye bread then.

TK (WENDELL): Actually we're out of rye.

SS: Okay, well, let me think — why don't you go ahead, sir?

GK: I'm fine. No rush.

SS: Go ahead. I'm just so slow today—

GK: Hey, we all have days like that.

SS: Really. Go ahead.

TK (WENDELL): What can I get you, Guy?

GK: Wait on the lady, Wendell.

SS: The tuna D-lite looks good.

TK (WENDELL): You want that?

SS: Maybe. Let me call my husband. He's waiting in the car. I don't know as he goes for tuna. But it looks nice. — Hello? Bob? Listen, I'm in the deli and they have the egg salad but the tuna looks good too. What do you think? —No, it's up to you. I'm fine either way. —Whatever you prefer. —I said, I'm fine either way.

TK (WENDELL): What can I get you, Guy? The usual?

GK: If I say, yes, give me the usual, I go to the counter and pay and get my lottery ticket, and I've got twenty-four million dollars — I've got the house on Maui (SURF, GULLS) with the French chef (TR FRENCH) and the clay tennis court (SFX) with the personal trainer (SS FRENCH: Here, monsieur, let me show you how the backhard should be) and the private jet (SFX) with the butler (TR BRIT: Your martini, sir, and the tartare on toast and the Malpeque oysters) and your girlfriend Shoshana (

SS: This is so cool. Does this pull down and make a bed? It does? Really? Awesome.) — but instead I say, Go ahead.

SS: You sure?

GK: Sure I'm sure.

SS: Okay, I'll have the tuna D-lite on white bread and two cream sodas and while I'm at it, give me a lottery ticket. (BRIDGE).

GK: I kept going over and over it in my mind. How I could've gotten my hands on the dough. From the phone call with Georgina.

SS (ON PHONE): You remember a girl named Margie?

GK: Right. Margie O'Bleness. And this is the song you're thinking of.

TR (CROONER, ON RECORD, FAST SPEED):
After all is said and done,
There is really only one,
Margie, Margie, it's you!

(FAST FOOTSTEPS)

TK (WENDELL): Hi, Mr. Noir. Care for an apple fritter.

GK: Yes.

TK (WENDELL): Oh hi, lady.

SS: Uh, I would like a decaf cappuccino with skim milk—

GK: Back in line, lady. Butt out. I was here first.

SS: Well, my goodness—whatever happened to manners.

GK: Stand back unless you want a knuckle sandwich. Gimme a lottery ticket, Wendell.

TK (WENDELL): You mean this lottery ticket that is pulsating with light and soft music is emanating from it?

GK: That's the one. Hand it over.

(TRUMPET FANFARE)

TR (ON P.A.) And the winner of the 24 million simoleons, Mr. Gravy Train, Mr. Easy Street — is Guy Noir.

GK: Thanks. As the winner of the lottery, I just want to say to all my friends out there — No Way. The Answer Is No. So Don't Even Ask. I never cared for you that much and this is my chance to bust out of this pop stand and go where the livin' is easy, the fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high. Bring the car around, Nigel.

TR (BRIT): Right away, sir. Very good, sir. This way, sir. (DEFLATION CHORD)

GK: But it wasn't me. It was her. Standing there, live, on TV, holding an immense six-foot check. Twenty-four million.

SS: I am just terribly terribly grateful and what I learn from all this is that the most important thing in life is friendship. My friends are the most important thing in the world to me, and my family, and my community. And that's why I'm not going to change a single thing in our lives. I'm going back to work in the school cafeteria tomorrow morning just as I always do. I'm going to be the same person I always was. One thing, though, I'm going to give a million dollars to the Dog Shelter in memory of our dog — (WEEPY) Boo Boo.

GK: Oh. Great.

SS: And I'm going to give a half million to the dance company that is doing outreach programs in the schools, the Rico Puerto Ballet.

GK: Rico Puerto Ballet — somehow I knew Rico would be there, trying to horn his way in and get his share. And there he was, next to her, on TV.

TR (RICO): I am so glad that you Dolores share our vision of opportunity for all the kiddoes that everybody no matter who it is have the chance to dance and thanks to your generosity, we will. I mean, they will. The kids will. (STING)

GK: I found Mrs. Peterson in the school cafeteria mixing up macaroni and cheese (MOTORIZED BLENDER, SLOW MIXING OF GORP), as the press took pictures (SHOUTS OF "OVER HERE” :SMILE” "THIS WAY” "ONE MORE”) and I showed her the wanted poster on Rico —

SS: Oh my goodness sakes. "Buying cigarettes for children, tax evasion, jumping turnstiles, impersonating a parking lot attendant.” I'm so glad you told me. I'll put a stop payment on that check for a half million dollars immediately. And here— for you—

GK: A fifty-dollar bill? Oh I couldn't. It's too much.

SS: Please. A token of my gratitude.

GK: Well— if you put it that way.

SS: Do I know you, Mr. Noir? For some reason, your face is familiar.

GK: Well, I saw you the other morning at Danny's Deli.

SS: Danny's Deli—

GK: You were there purchasing some tuna D-lite.

SS: Oh. Right. You were there.

GK: Behind you in line.

SS: Oh yes. Now I remember. When I was trying to make up my mind. I kept telling you to get in front of me and you didn't.

GK: It's just how I was brought up.

SS: Well, what all this has taught me is very simple—

GK: The most important thing in life is friendship.

SS: Exactly. And knowing who you are.

GK: Well, good luck, Mrs. Peterson. And thanks for the fifty.

SS: You take care. And by the way, I wouldn't buy the tuna D-lite, if I were you.

GK: No?

SS: It's not good. I was up all night, back and forth to the toilet. Back and forth. Back and forth. Sicker than a dog.

GK: That's the best news I've had all day.

SS: What?

GK: Never mind.

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(MUSIC OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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