October 31, 2009
Bismarck Civic Center

Bismarck, ND

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GK: It's Halloween, the night of the year when the enormous roadside statuary of North Dakota comes to life — the World's Largest Buffalo in Jamestown (SFX) — the World's largest Holstein, “Salem Sue” in New Salem (SFX), the monster catfish, Whopper, in Wahpeton (SFX) ,Tommy the Giant Snowmobiling Turtle in Bottineau, the Giant Swedish Dala Horse in the Scandinavian Heritage Park in Minot, (SFX), the World's Largest Sandhill Crane in Steele, ND (SFX) — a night when the world turns upside down briefly and you can be somebody else —

FN: I'm Fred Newman, father of two, home handyman (POWER SAW),  a responsible citizen, active in good causes, such as the Save The Dolphin campaign (SFX) —  a hard-working math teacher— Class — (TAPS) I'm going to write the equation on the blackboard — here (SQUEAKS OF CHALK) —  and did you know that dolphins can do math — (DOLPHIN WORKING OUT PROBLEM) — but on Halloween I put on this big blonde wig and the white suit and suddenly — (SINGS) Dakota, oh oh
In Fargo, oh oh oh oh
Let's fly way up to the sun
From here to Williston...

 GK: But you don't necessarily need to be a nicer person.

FN (DEEP): That's right.

GK: You can be someone of the opposite gender if you like.

TR (JULIA): Yes, indeed, you can. Most certainly. Viva la difference.

GK: It's the holiday when people build big bonfires (WHOOSH OF FLAME) and children put on costumes and go door to door for candy and some houses are decorated for Halloween and bodies hang from tree limbs (CREAKING ROPE) and twist slowly in the wind and people rise up from graves (ZOMBIE LAUGHTER) and heinous and demented persons, some of which are your neighbors and people from church. (ZOMBIES) Yes, those aren't all zombies. Some of them are Lutherans. GK: Our next guest has a statement he wants to read -

TR (GHOUL, A SLOW TALKER, MONOTONE): My name ... is Otto ... P ... Schlafenmeister ... and I am ... the ... executive ...

GK: Executive director.

TR: ... director ... of O ... L ... D ... The ... Organization ... Of ... The ... Living ... Dead. I ... have ... here ...

GK: You have a statement you want to read, right?

TR: In ... my ...

GK: You have a statement to read!!

TR: Hands ...
GK: A statement you wish to read ...

TR: A ... statement ...

GK: A statement you want to read!!

TR: Passed ... unanimously ...

GK: Just read the statement ...

TR: By ... the ... executive ...

GK: The executive board of the O.L.D. ...

TR: Steering ...

GK: The executive steering committee of the O.L.D. ...

TR: Committee ...

GK: Of the O.L.D. the Organization of the Living Dead ...

TR: Of ... the ...

GK: O.L.D.

TR: O ...

GK: L.D.

TR: L ...

GK: D!!! D!!!!

TR: D ...

GK: The Organization of the Living Dead ...

TR: The ... Organization ...

GK: Of the Living Dead ...

TR: Of ... the ...

GK: Living Dead ... Say it. Living Dead.

TR: Living ...

GK: Dead. Dead.

TR: Dead ...

GK: We need to pick up the pace here, sir ...

TR: Which ... reads ...

GK: Otherwise, I'm going to have to hit you in the head
with this shovel ...

TR: As ... follows ...
GK: Your head, looks a little fragile ...

TR: We ... the ...

GK: It's got a lot of mushy stuff leaking out ...

TR: Executive ...

GK: Your time is up, sir.


GK: Okay. Anyway—To dress up and pretend to be somebody else —how often
does a person have that opportunity? Once a year.

TR (VAMPIRE): Exactly. Recognize me? — Hey pilgrim.

GK: You're a vampire.

TR (VAMPIRE): I'm John Wayne. — Come on, men. We're going over that hill. We're Green Berets. America's best.

GK: You're a vampire doing a bad John Wayne impression.

TR (VAMPIRE): Okay, how about Bob Dylan. (SINGS) The answer my friends is flowing through your neck. The answer is flowing through your neck.
GK: Not good.

TR (VAMPIRE): Okay. How about this?  — It has been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon. — Recognize the voice?

GK: Out of here. Go. Beat it. You are so boring.

TR (VAMPIRE): Boring!!!!!

GK: Your breath smells bad, you have serious skin problems, and all you think about is one thing.

FN (VAMPIRE): You mean —blood?

GK: Look. Face it. You're dead. You're not that interesting.

TR (VAMPIRE): Us? Dead? We are immortal! You could be too! (HE LAUGHS A BIG VAMPIRE

GK: Okay— there!

TR (VAMPIRE): Mmmmmmm. Garlic. I love garlic. Make me a pesto sauce.

FN (VAMPIRE): Garlic toast!

TR (VAMPIRE): Fried garlic!

FN (VAMPIRE): On sirloin steak!

GK: Okay, fellows — how about this!

TR (VAMPIRE): Ah! A crucifix! Lovely. I like the mirror too.

FN (VAMPIRE): Why can't I see myself in it? (EVIL LAUGH)

GK: Okay, time for the silver stake, I guess.

TR (VAMPIRE): Oh please! Pound a stake in my heart! I love it!

FN (VAMPIRE): It's like acupuncture.

TR (VAMPIRE): I have this backache.

FN (VAMPIRE): Maybe a silver stake can help. (EVIL LAUGHTER)

TR (VAMP): We are here for BLOOD!!!

FN (VAMP): Blood!!!

TR (vamp): Show us the blood!!! (HEINOUS VAMPIRE LAUGHTER)

GK: Okay. Settle down.  Look at you. For people who've been alive for thousands of years, you sure are immature. Can you think of nothing but blood? (THEY WHISPER THE WORD, OVER AND OVER) Aren't you interested in music?

FN (VAMP): The Grateful Dead!

TR (VAMP): Ozzy Osbourne!

FN (VAMP): Bob Dylan's Blood On The Tracks!

GK: Thank you, vampires.

FN (VAMPIRE): I just got back from vacation. To Lake Erie. Ask me: did you go alone.

GK: Did you go alone?

FN (VAMP): No, I took my dog with me. (WHISPER) You say, "Oh, I didn't know you had a dog."

GK: Oh, I didn't know you had a dog.

FN (VAMP): Yes, a bloodhound!! (WHISPER) You say: how was your trip?

GK: How was the trip?

FN: Interesting. I met some mummies who were having a bad time on their vacation. (WHISPER) Ask me why.
GK: Why were the mummies having a bad time on their vacation?

FN: They were afraid to relax and unwind.

TR (VAMP): I went on vacation, too. It was beautiful! I met the ghoul of my dreams. She was a witch. But her broom was slippery and she flew off the handle. (HE CHORTLES)

GK: Thank you.

TR & FN (SING): Fangs ... for the Memory! (BLOW KISSES AND EXIT)


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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