October 31, 2009
Bismarck Civic Center

Bismarck, ND

«archive page

Guy Noir

Listen (MP3)
Listen (RealAudio)

(GUY NOIR THEME)

SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the busy streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions - Guy Noir, Private Eye -

(PIANO)

GK: It was Halloween and I was hiding out in my office to avoid trick-or-treaters. They've gotten more aggressive over the years— big teenagers come around with a huge sense of entitlement— you almost have to get a restraining order—

TR (TEEN): Is that all? One little candy bar? C'mon.

GK: How about I give you a candy bar and a previously owned piece of gum?

TR (TEEN): You touch me — I've got a cellphone—I'll get pictures— I'm videotaping right now—

GK: So I was enjoying peace and quiet, listening to some old Deanna Durbin recordings (78 SFX, SAX  SS: Love, your magic spell is everywhere) when... (KNOCKS) Yeah? Who's there? (KNOCKS) (SLOW FOOTSTEPS AND STOP) I said, Who's there? (SERIES OF LOCKS UNLOCKED) [ TENSION BUILDS ] I was about to open the door and then (BREATHING) I heard someone on the other side – [ EVIL REVEALED ] run for your life.  I'll be right there! (TIPTOE FOOTSTEPS) (CREAK OF WINDOW OPENING) I opened my office window and (GK EFFORT, RATTLE OF VENETIAN BLINDS) I climbed up on the sill and (TRAFFIC AMBIANCE FAR BELOW) stepped out on the ledge. (SLIDING FOOTSTEPS, VERY SLOW) And I pressed up against the building and I inched slowly toward the next window, about fifteen feet away.  In the dark, I could see that the ledge narrows, from eight inches to four. I pressed close to the cold bricks, not daring to look down. [ O NO ] I was coming closer ... closer ... the window was only inches from my fingers ... and then --

SS:  (LITTLE GIRL, SNIFFLY):  Hi, Mister.  Trick or treats, money or eats.

GK:  What are you doing out on this ledge? This is kind of dangerous—

SS:  (LITTLE GIRL)  I'm not scared but I can see that you are.

GK:  No Halloween up here, kiddo.

SS (LITTLE GIRL): There is now. Otherwise, I'll tell those firemen down there that you tried to give me unwrapped candy.

GK:  I looked down and a firetruck was extending its ladder up toward us.  (SFX LADDER RATCHETING, TR:  "NO SUDDEN MOVES, HONEY, WE'LL SAVE YOU.")  I don't have any candy, okay? 

SS:  (LITTLE GIRL)  I'll take cash.

GK:  Okay, kid.  Here's a buck.

SS (LITTLE GIRL): For coming out onto the twelfth floor ledge, I get a dollar?

GK:  That's all I've got, okay?

SS:  (LITTLE GIRL)  Mr. Fireman, he gave me unwrapped candy.

TR:  (FIREMAN, HORRIFIED)  Oh my god -- honey, come here, I'll take care of him.    

GK:  And he climbed off the ladder and started chasing me down the ledge toward a flag pole.  (SFX: FOOTSTEPS.  TR:  "COME BACK HERE!")  My right foot hit a pigeon ... (PIGEON FLURRY, FOOT SLIP, GK INTAKE OF BREATH, FINGERNAILS ON BRICK WALL) and I looked down and saw the street a hundred feet straight down and then the street started to turn and I was falling and - I grabbed hold of the flag and held on and (RIPS, IN TWELVE SHORT BURSTS) it ripped right down to the thirteenth stripe and that held long enough for me to (GK EFFORT) swing my legs over and (CRASH OF GLASS)… bust the window and (GK EFFORT, CRUNCH) crawl through it and (WEIGHT LANDING ON FLOOR) jump into the hallway.  My mouth hurt.  I had chipped a tooth going through the window.  I happened to remember that there was a dentist on the eleventh floor. (FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS) So I walked down a flight of stairs and - (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE) walked in.

MJ (SINGS):  Yes?  May I help you, sir?

GK:  The receptionist smiled and her pointy ears quivered.  She was beautiful, even though her skin was the color of white asparagus.  Is the dentist in?

MJ (SINGS):  Yes. He is in. [ TENSION  BUILDS ] (SLIGHTLY OMINOUS CHORDS) May I see your credit card? Thank you. I'll hang onto it. You won't be needing it anymore. Dr. Lothar is waiting for you.
[ CHORD ]

GK: I'd like it back, please.

MJ (SINGS):  That way. Go

GK: (MUSIC UNDER ... FOOTSTEPS) I couldn't help but notice that in the hallway, where other dentists might hang pictures of woodland scenes, Dr. Lothar had photographs of other planets.  (FOOTSTEPS STOP) Dr. Lothar?

TR: Yes? (OMINOUS CHORD)

GK: I have a broken tooth, Dr. Lothar.

TR: Oh? Let's have a look. Sit down. (TWO FOOTSTEPS, HE SITS DOWN) Put your head back. Relax. (WHIR OF CHAIR BEING LOWERED) Open wide. Good.

(CLINK OF TOOLS) [ EVIL REVEALED ]

TR (REVERB): Didn't recognize me, did you, Mr. Noir. The guy you almost put behind bars ten years ago.

GK:  It suddenly came back to me.  All those children came to his house at Halloween and ate the candy he gave them and when they left they could speak a foreign language, but not one their parents recognized. 

TR: The language of Freon. ( FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
 And now it's my turn.

GK (OPEN MOUTH): What? Who are you?

TR: I'm going to have to drill.

GK (OPEN MOUTH): How about some Novocain?

TR: I don't think we'll need it.

GK (OPEN MOUTH): I'm extremely sensitive to pain. I only appear to be brave. I'm not.

TR: This won't take long. Handcuff him, Igor. (HANDCUFFS)

FN: Yes, master—

GK (OPEN MOUTH): Why are you handcuffing me to the chair?

TR: To help you relax (HE LAUGHS, EVILLY) (DRILL) (GK STRUGGLE) While I put the gas mask on. What flavor would you like? Mint or formaldehyde.

(MUSIC UNDER ...) [ O NO ]

GK: The dentist climbed up on top of me, his drill was pointed toward the top of my skull - (DRILLING INTO HIGHER PITCH)  [ DASTARDLY ]

TR: I'm going to drill into your brain, Mr. Noir. People are going to think you had a stroke. But you will be one us us— the dark ones.   From the Freon Galaxy.  Living on the Planet of Ice.  (DRILLING AT HIGHER PITCH)
[ WHERE TO TURN ]

(THE WAVES OF ANGST MUSIC, SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE)

GK: I managed to push him away with my foot. (GK EFFORT, TR OOFFF) And I leaped out of the chair.
[ TENSION MOUNTS ] (CLATTER OF INSTRUMENTS, BREAKAGE OF GLASS) I went to the door. (THREE QUICK FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)

MJ (SINGS):  Stop right there.

GK: Stand aside, ma'am. I don't want to hurt you.

[ EVIL REVEALED ]

MJ (SINGS):  You can't hurt me, I'm from another planet, Mr. Noir. I, too, am a Freonite, in the service of Morfar.

TR: And as soon as I drill into your head and inject your brain with the dark serum that will crystallize your thinking — you will serve Morfar too.

GK: Never, Lothar. (A SUDDEN BURST OF VIOLENCE. SS CRY OF ALARM. TR SAVAGE SHOUT. CRASH OF METALLIC OBJECTS. GLASS BREAKAGE. FAST FOOTWORK.) I shoved her aside opened the door, I drew my gun (STRUGGLE) and Lothar whipped out his laser drill and (LASER) melted it right out of my hand (GK REACT) and then he was after me, [ RUN FOR YOUR LIFE ] with the drill (DRILL) he forced me back ... back to the window ... which was open ... I got up on the ledge ... (DRILL) he came after me ... we grappled there, high above the street (STRUGGLE)  [ WHERE TO TURN ] and I was losing my footing on the narrow ledge and then he lunged (LUNGE WITH DRILL) and he fell (FALLING MAN) and when he did, the receptionist slammed the window (CLANK) and there I was (TRAFFIC) on a ledge four inches wide, a slippery ledge thanks to the pigeons.  A prop plane buzzed by me, (SFX) whipping up the wind.  I looked up, and descending from above was an eight foot tall mutant locust rappelling down the side of the building, the enormous glue pads on his feet sticking to the cement (SFX) and his reptillian tongue flashed out closer and closer.

[ HERO'S PROMISE ]

TR (KID): Wow. What happened then, Uncle Guy? How'd you get off that narrow ledge, Guy?

GK: Very carefully, Timmy. Very carefully.

TR (KID): Gosh. You practically saved western civilization one-handed, Uncle Guy.

GK: Well, a man's got to do what a man's got to do.

TR (JIMMY): What happened to the receptionist?

MJ (SINGS):  Right here, Timmy.

TR (KID): Wow. What a looker.

MJ (SINGS):  Guy Noir saved my life.

GK: I only did what I had to do, Sandy.

TR (TIMMY): So you're not from outer space?

MJ (SINGS):  I'm from Bismarck. I came to the big city looking for excitement and I was taken over by an alien dentist. It happens to so many young women.

GK: And I'm taking her back to Bismarck.

TR (TIMMY): But what about excitement?

GK:  There's lots of excitment in Bismarck, Timmy.  When you're tired of Bismarck, you're tired of life.  There are church activities and hunting and fishing and -- well, never mind, you'll learn about that when you're older.

MJ (SINGS EROTIC AND WORDLESS PHRASE)

GK: Hush. Sandy. He's only a child.

 (THEME)

SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ... Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(MUSIC OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

American Public Media © |   Terms and Conditions   |   Privacy Policy