November 7, 2009
Civic Center of Greater Des Moines

Des Moines, IA

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Horse

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GK: I want to thank all of you who sent me Get Well cards during my recent cerebrovascular experience, it meant a lot to me, but I am doing just fine and here is one reason here —(HORSE WHINNY, CHUFF)  it's an innovation in modern health care, the use of animals for therapeutic purposes, and this is my helper horse, a four-year-old Palomino stallion named Harry. 

FN (HORSE): (WHINNIES, CHUFFS, TAPS HOOF THREE TIMES)

GK: Harry has been with me since I was in the hospital and we've bonded, we've become very close.

FN (HORSE): I am not a stallion, however. I am a gelding.

GK: Okay.

FN (HORSE): Stallions don't make good helper  horses. Too much on their minds.


GK: Okay. Harry is actually the first horse in the helper animal program. All of the helper animals up til now have been helper dogs, who can go for help if you should fall down, who can fetch things you need, go get a telephone, or a bottle of pills — a helper horse doesn't necessarily do all of those tasks — a helper horse is more a psychological help—

FN (HORSE): You'd rather have a dog, wouldn't you.

GK: No, no....

FN (HORSE): You'd rather have a helper dog.

GK: I think you're doing a fine job .

FN (HORSE): A fine job of what? I'm just a big clumsy horse trying to do a dog's job and I can't. Can't get a remote or get a telephone. (STEP, CRUNCH)

GK: That was the telephone there. It's okay. I have another.

FN (HORSE): I know. I'm sorry.

GK: It's okay. You're doing great.

FN (HORSE): I'm a great big fat failure.

GK: You're doing the best you can.

FN (HORSE): For somebody with a big fat behind. You wish I were a dog, don't you?

GK:You're a big help. You're a psychological help.

FN (HORSE): Just a big clumsy horse. (WHINNY, GLASS BREAKAGE) Sorry, didn't see the door there.

GK: Just relax. Take it easy.

FN (HORSE):I'm no good. I'm gonna quit. You'll be glad to see the backside of me, I'll bet.

GK: It's okay.

FN (HORSE): I'm out of here. I quit. You need a dog not a horse.

GK: Okay, whatever you say.

FN (HORSE): Could you give me a ride home?

GK: Give you a ride.....

FN (HORSE): Okay?

GK: Okay, but I'll have to get the trailer and a truck....

FN (HORSE); I need to go outside. Now. It's urgent.
GK: Let me open the door for you. (FLUID POURING ONTO FLOOR) 

FN (HORSE): Sorry about that.

(PLAYOFF)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

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