November 21, 2009
Historic State Theater

Minneapolis, MN

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Ketchup

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GK: Every year, your family gathers at Gramma’s and Gampy’s for Thanksgiving dinner. Their dog Skippy greets is there at the door (CHEERFUL BARKS) and Gampy (TR GEEZER: HAPPY THANKSGIVING) and Uncle Charlie opens a bottle of champagne (TR: BOMBS AWAY! SFX: POP) and Aunt Charlene hugs the kids (SS: YOU KIDS ARE SHOOTING UP LIKE WEEDS, WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING YOU? (SHE CHORTLES) and Cousin Bert is there with his bowtie that squirts water(TK: C’MERE GIMME A BIG HUG) (HE LAUGHS) and then everyone gathers around the table and Grandma puts the food out as she disparages each dish(SS: THE TURKEY’S DRY AND THE YAMS ARE MUSHY AND I COULDN’T GET THE PIE CRUST RIGHT TO SAVE MY LIFE, BUT HERE IT IS) and Gampy said grace (TR SWEDISH) and does the carving (ELECTRIC CARVING KNIFE) and everyone digs in (SFX: CLATTER OF SILVERWARE) and Mom puts the whipping cream on the pumpkin pie (REDI-WHIP) … But this year… You get to Gamma’s and Gampy’s and Skippy lunges at you (GROWL) and Gampy is in a bad mood (TR: DON’T CALL ME GAMPY. OR I’LL SLAP YOU SILLY. HEAR ME? CALL ME MR. POINDEXTER) and Aunt Charlene is suspicious (SS: YOU KIDS ON STEROIDS OR WHAT? NOT NATURAL TO GROW THAT FAST!) and Cousin Bert’s bow tie is gone, he has a water pistol in his hand ---- or is that a real pistol? (TK: COME A LITTLE CLOSER. I’LL SHOW YOU. HA. HA.)

GK: … and when Gampy doesn’t say grace (TR: I’M AN ATHEIST. BEEN ONE FOR YEARS. SO WHAT? DEAL WITH IT.) and then he takes the electric knife and carves the number 666 into the dining room table (SFX) and Mom shoots him with Redi-Whip all over Grandma (SFX) and finally Dad calls a halt-----

TR: Wait a second! What’s going on here? Where’s the loving family we’ve enjoyed for so many Thanksgivings? What’s happened to us?

SS: Maybe… we aren’t getting enough ketchup.

GK: Somebody forgot to put the ketchup on the Thanksgiving table. It’s so easy to overlook. But those little red packets, that big red bottle, make any holiday meal complete. With ketchup on hand, life quickly returns to normal.

SS: (GRANDMA) Who wants pumpkin pie?

TK: (COUSIN BERT, LAUGHING) I do!

GK: A message from the Ketchup Advisory Board.

RD: (SINGS)

IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE THAT MATTER MOST,

WARM SOCKS, SOFT HANDS, HOT BUTTERED TOAST.

LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY, YOU BETCHA.

SUCH AS KETCHUP, KETCHUP, KETCHUP.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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