November 21, 2009
Historic State Theater

Minneapolis, MN

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Guy Noir

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions----- Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was the week before Thanksgiving, and I was weighing my options of where to go for the big dinner---- I could go to my sister Georgina’s ----

SS: Dinner’s on the table! Turn off the TV, Al.

TR: Almost the end of the game----

SS: The turkey’s gonna get cold, Al.

TR: There’s just five minutes left on the clock, for crying out loud.

SS: Five minutes on the clock ---- turns into half an hour, Al.

TR: Start without me.

SS: We’re not starting without you.

TR: I’m watching the game.

SS: It’s Thanksgiving, Al.

TR: So shoot me.

SS: I’m considering it.

GK: Or I could go to the Bandbox Diner…..

TK: Yeah, we got your hot turkey sandwich ---- mashed potatoes, gravy, sliced turkey, and cranberry. (BIG COUGH)

GK: Gimme that.

TK: And your choice of two sides ---- candied yams, cole slaw, sweet potatoes, dressing, creamed onions, or corn chowder. (BIG COUGH)

GK: Gimme the yams and the chowder.

TK: Okay. (BIG COUGH)

GK: Or I could go to the Union Gospel Mission for their big dinner.

TRIO (SINGS):

When the roll is called up yonder
When the roll is called up yonder
When the roll is called up yonder
When the roll is called up yonder I’ll be there.

GK: Or the Unitarians have a free dinner too----

TRIO (SINGS):

When they have a lecture series
When they have a group discussion
When they hold a demonstration
When they hand out the petitions, I’ll be there.

GK: I was sort of leaning toward the Unitarians when there was a knock on the door. (SFX: KNOCK) Come on in, the door’s unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)

TR: (HEARTY) Guy? Guy, is that you? Remember me? Huh? C’mon. Boy, you haven’t changed at all. Not at all. You remember me. Think back. Skating on the pond? Remember?

GK: Right. Skating.

TR: Played hockey---- used old magazines for shinpads ----- used my mom’s coffee table for a goal-----

GK: Uh huh. Right. Pond hockey.

TR: You played in speed skates.

GK: Right.

TR: Remember? The old gang. Run Sheep Run. Prisoner’s Base. Remember? I used to wear a purple parka. We made model airplanes together out of balsa wood. The glue stuck to our fingers. We watched “Leave It To Beaver” ----- my mom made chocolate cupcakes.

GK: Just say your name. Okay?

TR: You want a hint? Algebra class. Miss Mortenson.

GK: You don’t have a name tag on you someplace?

TR: C’mon. You remember.

GK: How about you just hand me your driver’s license? It’s in your billfold. How about I just reach around and lift your billfold out of your pocket?

TR: I'll give you a hint.

GK: I don't want a hint. Just tell me your name.

TR: You know my name. It’s on the tip of your tongue.

GK: Well, let me look at the tip of my tongue. (XXXXX) Nope. Not there.

TR: Still the comedian, huh?

TR: How about this? (SINGING FROM "MUSIC MAN:) "Shi-boopi - Shi – boopi ---- Shi-boopi" -- huh? Huh? Ring a bell?

GK: I’m gonna ring your bell if you don’t tell me who you are. Just say your name. Tell me. (HE SHAKES TR HARD) Tell me your name. Okay? Tell me. You going to tell me? (SHAKING STOPS) Out with it. Talk.

(TR TAKES A DEEP BREATH, CLEARS THROAT)

TR: Okay. ---- Sorry. I thought you knew-----

GK: We went to school together-----

TR: Right. You remember-----

GK: Just say your name-----

TR: Sort of embarrassing. I thought we were close friends.

GK: Tell me your name.

TR: You’re gonna be really embarrassed when I tell you. You’re gonna say, “How could I forget him? He and I were best pals” ---- (GK SHAKES HIM) Okay. Okay. I’ll tell.

GK: What is it?

TR: Virgil Trucks.

GK: Virgil who?

TR: Trucks.

GK: I never knew anybody named Virgil.

TR: They used to call me Virg.

GK: Never knew a Virg.

TR: Central High, Class of ’59.

GK: I was North High, Class of ’60.

TR: You’re not Gary Norton?

GK: Guy Noir.

TR: I could swear you’re Gary Norton.

GK: No. (BRIDGE) It’s sort of lonely those last days before a big holiday. I went to the mall, the one that’s never crowded, with the atrium with the little motorized horse, the kind you put a quarter in and it jiggles you for a couple minutes.

TK (JIGGLING): What you looking at?

GK: You.

TK (JIGGLING): I’ll be done in a minute.

GK: Kind of big to be sitting on that little horse, aren’t you?

TK (JIGGLING): What business is it of yours?

GK: It’s for little kids.

TK (JIGGLING): I don’t see any little kids waiting----

GK: You’re gonna break it.

TK (JIGGLING): I ride this horse a dozen times a day, mister.

GK: What’s your problem, mister?

TK (JIGGLING): It just makes me happy, that’s all. (STOP JIGGLING) There. Ride’s up. You want a turn?

GK: Nope.

TK: Okay. (PUTS COIN IN SLOT) (JIGGLING) Stop staring at me. Just mind your own business.

(FOOTSTEPS)

GK: It’s a depressing shopping mall. Half the shops boarded up. A big aquarium (BUBBLES) and I went and looked in it, trying not to look at the guy on the horse, and I sort of bonded with a walleye swimming around ---- he came to the glass and looked at me and I looked into his eyes, which, him being a walleye, it’s hard to look into both eyes at once ---- and he turned his head and it seemed to me that he had tears in his eyes but with a fish it’s hard to tell and then a hammerhead shark came along ------ Look out! Behind you! run! Swim! (BIG CHOMP AND CHEWING) ----- and he was gone. My little pal. Dead.

SS (SUGAR): Hey Guy----

GK: Sugar! What you doing here?

SS (SUGAR): Picking up some stuff for Thanksgiving.

GK: Oh. You gonna spend it with ---- what’s his name?

SS (SUGAR): Cliff? No. He’s history.

GK: Oh, I thought you and he were-----

SS (SUGAR): I thought so too. No, we broke up a year ago. Thanksgiving. He insisted on deep-frying a turkey and it was disgusting and ---- it just opened my eyes to a lot of other issues. So what you doing for Thanksgiving?

GK: Awww, I got so many invitations, I can’t decide between ‘em. I don’t know why. People keep calling and asking me over.

SS (SUGAR): Well, I got a turkey that’s too big for just me.

GK: Oh?

SS (SUGAR): A forty-one pounder. And I made dressing with cognac in it and I’m using organic cranberries that they say is a real stimulant. If you can’t decide where to go, just come over.

GK: Well, let me think that over.

(FOOTSTEPS)

TR (HEARTY): Hey! We meet again!

GK: Mister Trucks----

TR (HEARTY): I forgot to invite you over for Thanksgiving. What do you say? I can see you’re a lonely kind of a guy. Probably planning to sit down in front of the TV with a frozen dinner. Come over. My wife is making turducken. Vegetarian turducken. It’s a turnip with a duck’s egg and an onion. Our friends come over and we all sit around singing show tunes. (SINGS) Shi-boopi---- shi-boopi----- shi-boopi. The girl is hard to get. Shi-boopi---- shi-boopi---- shi-boopi (FADES)---but you can win her yet.

SS: How about it, Guy?

GK: Count me in, Sugar. Can I bring anything?

SS: Bring the dessert.

GK: What you want for dessert?

SS: You know what I want for dessert.

GK: Why are you looking at me that way, Sugar?

SS: What way?

GK: That way.

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life’s persistent questions….. Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(MUSIC OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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