Minnesota

GK: Why is our show in San Francisco? Because Minnesota was hit by a snowstorm on Christmas (SFX) and (CRIES OF ALARM) people were desperate to get to their relatives (SPINNING WHEELS) and powerful snowblowers were brought in (SFX) and master plows (SFX) and dynamite (SFX) and in the end many people were snowbound at their relatives (LOW DEPRESSED MURMURS) and had to spend days sleeping on futons and saw more of their relatives than they cared to (LOW DEPRESSED “GOOD MORNING”S AND “HELLO”S) and people had to play cribbage for hours and hours (SHUFFLING) and eat Jell-O (SFX) and a lot of wine got drunk (CORKSCREW, POP, POUR) and people did embarrassing things that they regretted later—

FN (SINGS, BIG): Volare — yeah yeah yeah yeah. Cantare — whoa whoa whoa whoa. (HE FARTS MORE OF THE TUNE)

GK: And then, even worse than a snowstorm, there was a thaw and it got up in the thirties (DRIPPING) and things melted and then it froze again (CRACKLING OF ICE) and the highways became glare ice and you had semi-trailers skidding out of control (SFX) and jackknifing on the freeway (SIREN, OFF) and cars skidding out of control (CRY OF ALARM, WITH SKID) and landing in deep deep ditches (SOFT CRUNCH) upside down (CONSTERNATION) where people hung upside down from their seatbelts for hours out of view of other cars — on cellphones trying to get help —

TR (STRAINING): My cellphone is almost out of power. I have one call left, maybe two. Who can I call?

SS (SOBBING): We've been trapped here in this ditch for two days. Think of what our kids are looking at on the Internet.

GK: Due to budget shortfalls, there is no money to plow the roads in Minnesota. We have a Republican governor who signed the No New Taxes pledge and so basic public services have been cut way back

FN (ON PHONE): Thank you for calling nine-one-one. Your call is very important to us. Please leave a message, including your name and phone number. Please do not shriek or scream or use profanity. We are doing the best we can. (BEEP)

GK: Minnesota is in crisis. It's everyone for himself and the devil take the hindmost. (SLOWLY RISING TURMOIL, GRUNTS, DOGS BARKING, THREATS, ANGER) Life is becoming more and more barbaric. Savagery such as we've never seen. Men with helmets and swords. Men fighting over women. It's like something out of opera. It's Wagner, is what it is.

RM (SINGS):

Snow—
Storm

I welcome the snow

It is the gift of the spirits

Now we must go shovel it,

To see who is really a man.