Café Boeuf

GK: This portion of our show is brought to you by Café Boeuf, with your host, Henri.

TR (FRENCH, ON PHONE): Thank you for calling the Café Boeuf Francisco. We're sorry but all of our operators are busy with other calls. Please don't hang up. Your call will be answered in the order received. We are completely booked for the next month but we are happy to put you on a waiting list for last-minute openings. —

GK: Henri — Henri— I can tell you're there. This is not an announcement. It's me. Garcon.

TR (FRENCH): This is a recorded message. Don't interrupt.

GK: It's not a recorded message. It's you.

TR (FRENCH): It is a recorded message of me. Anyway— never mind. You want a table for tonight?

GK: You have a table? For when?

TR (FRENCH): Anytime.

GK: Then why do you say you're completely booked?

TR (FRENCH: People don't want to go to a restaurant that nobody goes to. People like to see a line around the block.

GK: There's a line around the block?

TR (FRENCH): Of course. We hire people to stand out there. Anyway, come and we'll get you in. You know where we are?

GK: You're in the Mission.

TR (FRENCH): We're in the Outer Mission. Also known as Daly City.

GK: Why, Henri?

TR (FRENCH): Monsieur, San Francisco has the toughest no-smoking laws in the country. I'm French. I smoke. So shoot me. But first give me my cigarette.

GK: It's for your own good, Henri.

TR (FRENCH): This smoking ban is terrible. We have gone—how do you say—(FRENCH) Below dirt.

GK: You mean underground?

TR (FRENCH): Underground. We are in Daly City in a former Denny's.

GK: In a Denny's.

TR (FRENCH): Formerly Denny's. So our chef Antoine can smoke as he makes his (FRENCH) or his (FRENCH) or his famous (FRENCH). And now the city has passed a new ban — a ban against rudeness? I can't believe it. (ANGRY FRENCH)

GK: That is going too far.

TR (FRENCH): The city is trying to draw tourists from the Midwest, people who burst into tears if you look at them.

GK: I'm from the Midwest.

TR (FRENCH): I know. I am well aware of it.

GK: How so?

TR (FRENCH): Because you know nothing — nothing about food, nothing about wine, nothing about love orlife.

GK: Sorry you feel that way.

TR (FRENCH) : You have a very unflattering hairstyle? You look like your hair stylist is your ex-girlfriend.

GK: Sticks and stones may break my bones—

TR (FRENCH): You're a lousy singer. You sound terrible.

GK: Your opinion.

TR (FRENCH): You can't cook. You can't grill, you can't broil, you can't even make rice in a ricemaker.

GK: How do you know?

TR (FRENCH): I talked to your ex-girlfriend.

GK: (QUIETLY SOBS)

TR (FRENCH): A message from Café Boeuf. Now in the Outer Mission. We are completely booked but for you we might have a table. But do something about your hair. Please.