January 23, 2010
Mayo Civic Center

Rochester, MN

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Guy Noir

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(FADE)

GK: It was January and the Midwest was in the clutches of winter. Snow on the ground and just to make things more interesting, a freezing rain. I was on my way down to Rochester to work on a hush-hush case at the Mayo Clinic--

SS (GPS LADY): In one-tenth of a mile, take a right turn.

GK: That's not the way to Rochester. The sign says Rochester straight ahead.

SS (GPS LADY): Turn right. (BING BONG) Recalculating route.....When possible, make a legal U-turn. Or move over and let me drive.

(BRIDGE)

GK: It was Dr. Pretnear at the Mayo Clinic who called me.

TR (KIRK): Somebody stole the plans for a brand-new invention, Guy, and we didn't report this to the police, Guy, because we have to keep this invention secret.

GK: I understand.

TR (KIRK): There's a lot of money at stake. It's an interactive health monitor and it was invented by Doctor Zuzammenschluss. And this is his laboratory here. (KNOCKS)

TR (GERMAN): (INSIDE) Guten Abend. Come in! (DOOR OPEN, CREAKY. LIGHTNING AND ZAP OF ELECTRICAL CURRENT. ZOMBIE GROAN)

GK: Shooting powerful electrical currents into monsters made from various body parts, I see.

TR (KIRK): Those aren't monsters. Those are ministers. Lutheran ministers.

GK: And that's the only way to revive them? (ZAP OF ELECTRICITY)

TK (ZOMBIE): Dearly beloved, let us turn to the book of Isaiah.

GK: Anyway, what's the new invention.
(BRIDGE)

GK: Interesting stuff down here— lightning rods and vacuum tubes — (RUMMAGE) you guys aren't trying to create new life out of body parts, are you?

(FOOTSTEPS)

TR (GERMAN): Allo. Allo. I am Dr. Zuzammenschluss— I'm a visiting fellow here at Mayo, from Hamburg.

GK: You're here at Mayo from Hamburg?

TR GERMAN: By way of Frankfort.

GK: Okay.

TR (KIRK): Dr. Zuzammenschluss is the inventor of the interactive health monitor, also known as the E.M. Electronic Mother. This is it.

GK: About the size of a pack of cigarettes.....

TR (GERMAN): It is attached to electrodes surgically implanted in your chest and it monitors your every move. Let me hooked you up. (BEEPS, WHIRRING)

SS (GPS): Boy, do you look out of shape. You ever walk? Look at the gut on you. Walk. (FOOTSTEPS) Faster. (SFX) Swing your arms when you walk. Use your whole body. (SFX)

GK: I'm doing my best.

SS (GPS): If that's your best, then we've got big problems. What did you eat this morning?

GK: I'd rather not say.

SS (GPS): Did you take your fish oil? It's for the brain, you know. Put your finger here.

GK: Where?

SS (GPS): Here.

GK: Ouch.

SS (GPS): Blood test. (BEEPS) Blood's kind of thin.

GK: Maybe I have low blood sugar. I think I need a snack.

SS (GPS): Keep walking, don't stop.

GK: I'm walking. (SFX) But I really need a snack.

SS (GPS): You can have an energy bar.

GK: That's the one with the bran, right? Right. Not what I was thinking of.
SS (GPS): Well, it's what there is. Okay — let's stop and stretch. Hold your hands up high over your head and then bend and touch the floor with the flat of your palm.

GK: The flat of my palm???? On the floor?

SS (GPS): Let's see you stretch.

GK: I'm not a ballet dancer.

SS (GPS): You're telling me—

GK: Okay, that's it. I've had it. I'm pulling the plug.

TR (RICO): Hey Noir, whatcha trying to do?

GK: Trying to do a stretch— hey, what you doing here, Rico?

TR (RICO): I did a stretch once. In Sing Sing. Don't care to do another.

SS (BABE): Who's he, Rico? Come on. Let's get out of here.

GK: The dame was wearing leotards so tight you could see her capillaries. As for her diamonds, it gave you freezer burn just to look at them.

TR (RICO): This is Guy Noir, some old gumshoe I usedta know before I became rich and famous.

GK: You? Ha. Once a schlump, always a schlump, Rico.

SS (BABE): What are you looking at, Mister?

GK: Looking at that paper with mathematical formulas sticking up out of your purse.

TR (RICO): So what? It's against the law for a beautiful woman to know about mathematics?

GK: C mon, sweetheart, put your whoopee cakes down on that chair and listen to me.

SS: Whoopee cakes?

GK; Make a lap. Sit. Listen. There are laws about stealing software and hardware.

SS: I don't know what you're talking about.

GK: But this isn't about that, angel. It's about wetware.

SS: Wetware?

GK: Your brain. Up there. Between the ears. Start using it or we're going to have to rent you a new one.

TR (RICO): You want a piece of me, just step outside.

GK: Don't want a piece of you. Just hand over the paper, sweetheart.

TR (RICO): Yeah, well, don't get all torqued over it.

SS (GPS): It's underneath her shirt, in the waistband of her underwear.

GK: I'm not going to go there.

SS (GPS): In ten seconds, put your hand down her slacks right at her left hipbone.

TR (RICO): Don't go there, Noir.

SS (BABE): Whoo! Hey! (SHE SHREIKS)

GK: Got it.

TR (RICO): Oh no you don't.

GK: I zonked him with a quick kick in the shins. (KONK, TR YELP) And a right to the jaw. (KKRRACKKK, TR FALL) You just rest there, Rico.

SS (BABE): Whadja have to hit him so hard for?

GK: Just trying to clear up his mind. — Here's your formula, Dr. Bauer.

TR (GERMAN): Danke.

GK: I don't think the American people are going to go for having an electronic mom telling them what to do.

TR (GERMAN): It's for their own good. (BRIDGE)

GK: I offered the dame a ride to the Cities. (SS: Oh thanks.) We got in my car and I poured the whiskey in the glass (SFX) and lit the cigarettes (SFX) and started the car (SFX) and headed out into the night (CAR ACCEL) with the radio playing (SAX) and the babe sitting on my lap.

SS (GPS): It's slippery. Reduce speed. (CAR CORNERING)

GK: Don't worry about it, babes. (CAR SCREECH AROUND CORNER)

SS (GPS): In one tenth of a mile, pull over to the side and let me out. (CAR ACCEL) Recalculating route.......I said, recalculating route.

(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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