January 23, 2010
Mayo Civic Center

Rochester, MN

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(THEME)

GK: And now another visit to the frontiers of medical science as we bring you—

TR: WE'LL NEVER KNOW UNTIL WE FIND OUT

GK: Rochester, MINNESOTA— (COMPUTER BEEPS) where highly-skilled medical professionals work under tremendous pressure to accomplish complicated tasks that require nerve and finesse —
(VENTILATOR)

TR: I'm going to drill a hole into your retina with this high speed drill, Mr. Wyler, so we can relieve the pressure that's been causing this erratic behavior, and it's very important that you keep your eyes open and don't blink. Okay? (MUFFLED RESPONSE) Good. This may sting just a little bit. Hold steady. Hold steady. Here we go. (DENTAL DRILL) Good. Hold steady. Hold steady. And now we'll harvest the retina. (POP) Excellent. (STING)


GK: So when the workday is finished, what do these highly skilled medical professionals do for relaxation? They don't listen to public radio. (SS NEWS VOICE DRONING) They've had enough of that yik-yak at the office. They want to grab a gun and head out into the woods (BLIZZARD WIND), out in nature (WOLF HOWL) where the big timber wolves huddle on the hard-packed snow, waiting for prey (WOLF HOWL). Nurses who spent the day comforting the sick (SS: You're so much better today, Mr. Biggums. You really are. In another week you'll be up and at ‘em. You betcha.) — on their day off, they turn into somebody else. (BIG ENGINE START UP AND TAKE OFF). They've been saving lives all day and now it's time to kick back (FAST PASS) and aim that snowmobile (LOW HUM OF INTERIOR, AS VEHICLE SPEEDS OVER ROLLING TERRAIN) into the woods and pop open a cold one (POP TOP) and do some target shooting with the twin mounted 30 caliber rifles (TWO RIFLE SHOTS, THEN TWO MORE). After a day in O.R., concentrating on nerve tissue and tiny tendons, a person craves action.

SS (FLEXNER): Just because I'm an orthopedic psychiatrist people assume that I sit around and read books in my spare time and paint water colors and go birdwatching. Well, guess again. My hobby is blowing up tree stumps. And the bigger the better. I just drill out the rotten core of the stump (POWERFUL DRILL) and I stuff in the charge (SFX) and — Fire in the hole! — (EXPLOSION).

(BRIDGE)

GK: When high-tech medical professionals leave work, they want to leave their brains behind for awhile and go for the visceral.
(SPORTS CAR REV UP)

TR: Since 5 this morning, I've been stitching up geezer gizzards and now it's time to head for my secret hideaway. (CAR REV)

SS: Doctor Pomerantz?

TR: Dr. Maitland! What are you doing in the backseat of my Maserati?

SS: It's forty below and — I want you to warm me up, Doctor.

TR: But—

SS: Kiss me, you fool.

(PIANO)

GK; Passions that had to be held in check in the O.R. while human lives hung in the balance — now, after dark, can no longer be repressed. (TARZAN CRY)

SS: Oh, Dr. Pomerantz—

TR: Don't talk. Hold me.

SS: I'm holding you.
TR: All the time I was suturing those maxillary krainises to the perpendular capillaries, I was thinking of you.

SS: I know. And now I'm yours, Doctor. I'm entirely yours.

TR: What do you want, Stephanie?

SS: I want you to — to make me a woman. (STING)

TR: MAKE YOU A WOMAN? YOU MEAN— you're not? O my gosh. You're not. (STING) I had no idea.

SS: Please. I know you can do it. I want to be a woman. Now.

TR: Now? In this wilderness cabin— ? But all I have is a Swiss knife and pair of needlenose pliers and some fishline and lures and spinners— well, maybe I can. Let's see. Lie back. (PIANO)


GK: A few hours later, (MOTOR REVS) racing over the frozen muskeg, over hills (IMPACT, MOTOR), jumping ravines (MOTOR), down hills (MOTOR), the snowmobile skidding (SKID IN SNOW), the surgeon and his patient head for Rochester when she throws her arms around him — (SS: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you) and he loses control and over the cliff they go (GLIDING IN WIND).....and down onto the frozen Mississippi (SLIGHT IMPACT, MOTOR)....and onto open water (WHOOSH OF WATER) ......and what's that up ahead? (BOAT HORN)....A tow boat. It's dead ahead. (BOAT HORN) And sixteen river barges loaded with fruit bats and he tries to avoid it, and it's going to be close, it's going to be close, it's going to be close, turn left, turn left, left left left left left left, look out (BIG CRUNCH), and a hatch springs open on the barge (SFX) and (WHUMP) the sky is dark with fruit bats (SFX) and the snowmobile hits the river bank (SFX) and two naked people are catapulted across the snow (FLYING CRIES) and into a motel hot tub (SFX) where the head of surgery is sitting (TK: HI) with his wife (TK: HI) — and their dog (WOOF).

TR: I can explain, Dr. Rydell.

TK: I don't want explanations. All I want is that you be in the O.R. at 7 a.m. tomorrow and do that wing transplant —

SS: A wing transplant? Tomorrow?

TR: We're attaching the wings of a great blue heron to a 12-year-old boy.
SS: Is that even possible?

TR: We'll never know until we find out. (MUSIC UP)

GK: WE'LL NEVER KNOW UNTIL WE FIND OUT. Stories from the annals of medicine. And brought to you by NorCom. Makers

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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