January 30, 2010
Tucson Convention Center Arena

Tucson, AZ

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The Lives of the Cowboys

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(THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS ... brought to you by Santa Catalina Brand Canteens ... real cowboys don’t drink French or Italian water out of bottles, they drink water from canteens. You drink water from a bottle, you’re going to be the laughingstock of the bunkhouse. Remember that. And now ... THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS ...

GK: Tucson, Dusty. Beautiful place. Quite the deal.

TR: Yessir.

GK: Majestic scenery and a gentle climate — the air is pure and the breezes are free, the zephyrs so balmy and light and so forth. And the work is easy, caretakers at the O.K. Corral Condominiums, and there’s health insurance. Never had health benefits before, now we do.

TR: Yessir. Me too.

GK: I’m happy. And it makes me very anxious.

TR: I know what you mean.

GK: Too good to be true.

TR: Yep.
GK: When does the suffering resume?

TR: Exactly — Whoa —

GK: What is it?

TR: The boss is coming. The president of the condominium corporation.

GK: Okay. Good. (HIGH HEELS APPROACH, BRISKLY)

SS: Gentlemen? Good morning.

GK: Morning, ma’am.

SS: I have an important assignment for you this morning, gentlemen. We need to cut water consumption in the whole development by half.

TR: Half!

SS: One half. And it has to be done today.

TR: Kinda sudden, isn’t it.

SS: The board took a vote. So I need you to go around and find lawn sprinklers and shoot them. Like that one.(SPRINKLER) (GUNSHOT)

TR: Pretty fancy shooting, ma’am.
GK: You want us to —

SS: And look over there. Mr. Henderson (SHOWER, SINGING)taking a long hot shower. I’ll put an end to that. Put a bullet through his window. (GUNSHOT)

FN (OFF): Hey!!!!

SS: Next one goes in the soap on the rope around your neck!!!!

FN (OFF): You can’t go shooting people in the shower —

SS: You need to work on your abdominals, mister.

GK: Boy, you are getting tough —

SS: Got to. And look down there in the creek. Baptists! (FN SOUTHERN: In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the — (GUNSHOTS)

SS: SPRINKLE!!!! HEAR ME??? SPRINKLE. (FOOTSTEPS)

GK: So how come the O.K. Corral Condominium Association is getting tough on water consumption?

SS: Condo sales are way down, that’s why. We stand to lose our shirts. So we need to develop an attraction. Something unique that no other condos have in Tucson.

TR: And what’s that?
SS: This. (DOLPHIN)

GK: A dolphin??

SS: He’s going to live in the swimming pool. That’s why we’ve got to save water. He’ll be the only dolphin in Tucson. We’re putting him in charge of night security — he’s been trained in taikondolphin (TR KUNG FU CADENCE, THEN DOLPHIN RESPONSE. TR KUNG FU ATTACK, DOLPHIN PARRY AND THRUST) — but he loves people.

FN (DOLPHIN SINGING, “PEOPLE”):

People
Dolphins who love people
Are the luckiest dolphins in the world.

SS: Okay — get out there and find the water wasters. (STING) (BRIDGE)

GK: Well, we shot eleven water sprinklers.

TR: And we scared four people half to death who were in the shower. GK: Hey — look — over there. People creeping through the underbrush, Dusty. Sneaking along. But they’re gringos.

TR: Maybe they’re on a snipe hunt.
(FOOTSTEPS, SLOW, BRUSH)
FN (SURPRISE): OH! WHOA! — Sorry. Didn’t see you there. Who’re you? You’re not the Border Patrol, are you?

GK: You heading toward the border?

SS (WOMAN): It’s this way, right?

GK: South, yes.

FN: Could you guide us there?

GK: I don’t think so.

SS: Please?

FN: We’re desperate.

TR ( MAN): Please, mister. We just want to be free.

GK: Free of what?

FN: We’re Minnesota Vikings fans.

TR: Been Vikings fans for forty years.

SS: Forty years of never winning a Super Bowl.

FN: When we lost the NFC championship last week, something just snapped.

GK: And you’re going into Mexico illegally? As frostbacks?

SS: Buscamos la libertad de fútbol. We seek freedom from football.

TR: Por favor, no nos hacen mirar el plato grande. Please don’t make us watch the Super Bowl.

FN: We have lost so much. Hemos perdido mucho.

(HELICOPTER APPROACHES)
SS: Oh my gosh. It’s them. They’ve spotted us. Let’s go!!!

GK: It’s just a news chopper.

TR: It’s the media!

SS: Let’s go. (RUNNING, URGENT CRIES) (BRIDGE)

GK: Dusty went to show them the way to the border. And just then a man in a white lab coat walked up.

FN: Howdy. Your name Lefty?

GK: Yessir.

FN: Okay, drop your drawers and grab hold of your ankles, I’m gonna check your prostrate.

GK: It’s called a prostate, not a prostrate.
FN: Round here we call it a prostrate. Because of how you feel afterward.

GK: What’s this for?

FN: For your health insurance with O.K. Condo Corporation. Gotta give you a checkup.

GK: Can’t we do this in your office?

FN: Don’t have one. We’re trying to cut health care costs. Just grab your ankles. That’s good. Hang on. I’m going to just slip my hand in here. Hold steady now. Don’t flinch. Just checking your kidneys. And your gall bladder. Let me check your aorta while I’m in here. And your left lung. That feels good. Hold on, almost done. Lemme run my hand up your throat now and check for lumps. Okay — tonsils are okay. Gums are healthy. Check your nasal passages now.

GK: Mister, you’ve got your arm running right up through me, I feel like a shishkebab.

FN: Okay. All done.

GK: So?

FN: Gonna have to turn you down for health insurance.

GK: Why?

FN: You’re bowlegged.

GK: You had to run your arm through me to find out I was bow-legged?

FN: I just got distracted. Anyway, your innards are in good shape. Just your knees are wrong.

(BRIDGE)

GK: So I lost my easy job and had to find another but it’s a tough job market for cowboys. (SS: Thirty-five years on the trail, huh? I’m afraid you’re overqualified. Sorry.) I went from one ranch to another. (FN: Your psychological profile shows that you suffer from lonesomeness.) I even applied for a job in public radio. (TR: Let me hear you say, “If you value the programs you hear on this station, now is the time to call in with a pledge.”) I can’t say it. (TR: You’ve got to say it.) I can’t. Just can’t. (TR: Read it right off the card — “This station depends on you for its financial support — ) I can’t say it, sir. (REVOLVER COCK, SPIN) Mr. Samuel Colt says you can say it.

(THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS was brought to you by Santa Catalina Canteens. Don’t drink water out of plastic bottles. It just is not the cowboy way.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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