February 13, 2010
The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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Guy Noir

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was February, the week before Valentine's Day, and it was cold outside, which made people think about love. And how nice it would be to be with someone. All the lonely hearts in town, and some of them came up to the 12th floor of the Acme Building and thought that hiring a private eye would lead them to their Dearly Beloved, wherever he or she might be—

RM (SINGS, BIG): I am in love with a woman named Mimi. But Mimi doesn't want to be around me.

GK: Just tone it down a little, okay?

RM (SINGS, BIG): My heart is filled with passion and she just turns away from me—-

GK: Is there a volume control here?

RM (SINGS, BIGGER): I am burning with love for Mimi, Mimi, Mimi — I would gladly die for her—

GK: You may have that opportunity if you keep this up.

RM (SINGS): What can I do to win her heart? (DOOR SHUT) (HE SINGS, MUFFLED) What is wrong?

GK: Quieter.

RM (SINGS, QUIETER): What is wrong?

GK: Quieter. I can still hear you.

RM (SINGS, SOFTLY): What is wrong?

GK: Good. Keep doing that and you'll be okay.

(BRIDGE)

SS: Oh, Mr. Noir. You've got to help me. I'm desperately in love and honestly he does not even seem to know that I exist. I walk by his house, I stand on the street under the streetlight, I keep running into him at the grocery store, I go to the coffee shop he goes to. I make eye contact. Finally, last night I jumped out in front of him and threw open my raincoat and stood there in the nude and — nothing. No reaction.

GK: I see. Nothing—

SS: Nothing.

GK: Let me ask you this. Does he have a dog?

SS: Yes. He always has a dog with him.

GK: On a leash?

SS: Yes.

GK: A sort of stiff leash that's more like a handle?

SS: Yes, exactly.

GK: He's blind.

SS: You know, I was starting to wonder about that.

GK: You're going to have to speak to him. Or leave notes in Braille.

SS: I'll try that.

GK: You do that.

TR (SWEDISH)

GK: You're in love with someone you met online and you've thrown yourself at her feet.

TR (SWEDISH)

GK: Left her voice mail, written her letters. Nothing.

TR (SWEDISH)

GK: You invited her to come out dancing.

TR (SWEDISH)

GK: Asked her to dinner.

TR (SWEDISH)

GK: Invited her to come with you and your family to the big lutefisk dinner up in Minot, North Dakota.

TR (SWEDISH)

GK: And she keeps making excuses for not going.

TR (SWEDISH)

GK: Did you ever think of smiling more and maybe lightening up and wearing bright colors?

TR (SWEDISH)

GK: You could tell her jokes.

TR (SWEDISH) (MILD SURPRISE)

GK: Women enjoy jokes, too.

TR (SWEDISH): (MILD SURPRISE)

GK: Try it. Lighten up. Be happy. (TR SWEDISH AGREEMENT)

(BRIDGE)

GK: I never had so much business as that Valentines Day weekend.

AS: Mr. Noir— I need your help.

GK: Hello. (STING, BRIDGE) She was young, beautiful, astonishing, and the lack of rings said Available and the guitar said, Musician and therefore emotionally needy.

AS: I saw this man at the airport, sitting by Gate G14, and he looked at me and smiled the most beautiful smile and I can't get him out of my mind.

GK: I have often been out at the airport and sometimes at Gate G14.

AS: No, this man was well-dressed, in his early 40s—-

GK: Sometimes in dim light, a person can be mistaken—-

AS: It was noon. A sunny day. He appeared to be French.

GK: (FRENCH)

AS: No, he spoke good French. He said he was on his way to Cleveland.

GK: I've often been on my way to Cleveland. I could easily be on my way again, s'il vous plait.

AS: He got on the plane with me and it crashed.

GK: Oh. I guess it wasn't me.

AS: I wrote a song about him—-

GK: I have a feeling that you're about to sing it to me.

AS: Is that okay?

GK: I guess so.
(STRUMS)


AS (SINGS):

I met you in an exit row
And got to know you fast
We were flying over water
When the airplane crashed

An oxygen mask dropped down
Which I pulled toward me
And oxygen flowed into the bag
And I breathed naturally

And you were very frightened
As though you'd never flown
So I helped you with your mask
Before putting on my own

I had listened to the safety briefing
As I always do
So I inflated the life vest
By blowing in the tube

Others had ignored the talk
But I know that is wrong
I had taken the card from my seat pocket
And carefully followed along


AS (SINGS, CONT.):

So I opened up the emergency door
Out came the orange slide
I took you by the hand
And we went down side by side

I saved your life, my darling
We made it in to shore
I saved your life and I love you
Mon cheri, mon amor

So why did you walk away from me
O man of mystery
I love you, O I love you—
Won't you—- (TR INTERRUPTS WITH FRENCH EXCLAMATION)

AS: It's you!

TR: FRENCH

AS: Oh, I am so happy happy happy to see you!

TR: FRENCH LAUGHTER

AS: Kiss me, you fool.

TR KISSING

GK: Okay, okay— get a hotel room, wouldja??? (STING) (BRIDGE)

GK: Yeah? What you want?

TK: You've got to help me find her. I'm in love. I'm going out of my mind. I can't eat, can't sleep. Ever since I met her. She's the most beautiful woman I ever met. She's the love of my life. I can't bear to be without her.

GK: Where'd you meet her?

TK: On a bus to Minneapolis. She sat next to me.

GK: Did you get her name?

TK: No. I didn't want her to think I was trying to pick her up or anything.

GK: What day was it?

TK: It was last summer some time. August, I think.

GK: What did she look like?

TK: She was beautiful.

GK: What color hair?

TK: I don't know.
GK: You don't know?

TK: I didn't want to stare.

GK: What was she wearing?

TK: I donno. T-shirt. Jeans.

GK: Where was she going?

TK: No idea.

GK: You didn't talk to her?

TK: No.

GK: Why not?

TK: I was in love. I couldn't talk, my heart was pounding, my mouth was dry.

GK: I'm sorry, I can't find her.

TK: I KNEW you were going to say that. I just KNEW it.

GK: And you were right.

TK: I've got to find her. Understand me? I' ve got to.

GK: Good luck.
TK: I can't live without her.

GK: That's too bad.

TK: You've got to help me.

GK: How about I give you a drug to make you forget?

TK: No. I don't want to forget. I want to find her. I can't forget her. I've got to — (HE STRUGGLES, HIS MOUTH IS FULL, HE STRUGGLES)

GK: Swallow, sir. Just swallow. I said, swallow.

TK (HE GAGS) (AND SWALLOWS)

GK: Good boy. Take a deep breath. A deep cleansing breath. (TK DEEP BREATH) And hold it. (TK HOLDS BREATH) And now let it out. (TK EXHALE) And now another breath. (TK DEEP BREATH) And hold it. (TK HOLDS) And exhale. (TK EXHALE) There. How do you feel?

TK: Who are you?

GK: Brett Favre.

TK: Brett Favre.

GK: Right.
TK: You know, you can't win in football if you keep turning over the ball.

GK: I know.

TK: Turnovers. It killed us.

GK: Right.

TK: Possession is nine-tenths of the game.

GK: I'm going to remember that.

TK: And you better get yourself in shape. You look awful.

GK: I'll start right away, sir. Happy Valentine's Day.

TK: Is it Valentine's Day?

GK: It is.

TK: What is Valentine's Day about?

GK: It's about cleaning your house and throwing away stuff you don't need anymore.

TK: Oh. Okay. Guess I better go home and get busy.

GK: You do that.

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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