March 20, 2010

Western Caribbean Cruise Compilation

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The Lives of the Cowboys

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SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS ... brought to you by Trailblazer Table Napkins ... use 'em as napkins (SMOOSH OF GREASE) ... as hankies (NOSE HONK) ... or use 'em to flag down the train (CHUGGA CHUGGA, SLOWING, BRAKES) and now, for Trailblazer, here's today's exciting adventure with Dusty and Lefty ... (BOAT HORN, CROWD HUBBUB.)

GK: Okay. Gold (blue) tickets only Gold (blue) tickets. Sir, that is a blue (gold) ticket.

FN: But we can’t get to the blue (gold) show because we’re going to see Fred Newman.

TR: Don’t make no difference. You gotta have a gold (blue) ticket to get in to this show.

FN: Is there someone else I can speak to?

GK: Yes, you can speak to me and I’ll tell you the same thing.

TR: Move on in, folks. (WHIP) Come on. Move it. (WHOOPS) Heeyaw.
GK: Doors are about to close, folks. Hold your tickets out so we can see ‘em.

TR: Watch your step. Keep moving.

GK: No saving seats, mister. Move on in to the end of the row. Heeyaw. (MORE WHOOPS)

TR: Doors are closing. In you go. (DOORS CLOSING)

GK: There. The herd is in the corral and we can take a break.

TR: Boy, this cruise director job is the easiest work I ever had in my life.

GK: Yessir. You put people on a boat surrounded by miles of open sea and they become much more compliant somehow. Line up, go when you say go, stop when you say stop.

TR: Well, it’s a public radio crowd so there aren’t many roughnecks or ruffians in the bunch.

GK: Nope, the ruffian ne’er do well element is pretty minimal here.

SS: Excuse me—

GK: Whoops, it’s the boss, Caroline.
SS: We pulled out of Costa Maya half an hour ago and my count says we’re fifty passengers short. What happened?

TR: Dagnab it to tarnation and blazes, doggone the goldarn luck. Drat!

GK: Dang it. We lost fifty head of passengers? How’d that happen?

SS: How could you do something so stupid?

GK: Just goes to show, if you're ridin' ahead of the herd, you gotta take a look back every now and then to make sure they're still with ya.

SS: I’m going to do another head count b ut if I’m short fifty people, I’m going to send you back for them.

GK: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY) Boy, she’s a tough one.

TR:  You and I both know the reason you weren’t paying attention today.

GK: What?

TR: You were staring at that girl in the sequined T-shirt.....

GK: The girl with red hair? The one from Reno? The T-shirt that said "My eyes are up there about sixteen inches. Take a look." That one?
TR: Yep. You’ve got a crush on her, don’t you.

GK: Not a crush. Maybe a slight squeeze.

TR: That’s why you’ve been hanging out in the spa. Getting facials, having your nails done, being moisturized. Cowboys do not moisturize, Lefty.

GK: This one does.

TR: (GRUNTS) You moisturize, it only attracts the wrong kinda women. Women interested in relationships. Me, I prefer brief but intense friendships with older floozies. Women who are wrinkly and crinkly. That makes it a whole lot easier to say goodbye in the morning.

GK: I want a girlfriend.

TR: What you want that for?

GK: I want a woman I can talk with.

TR: About what?

GK: Anything I want to.

TR: Such as what, for example?

GK: Things. Personal things.

TR: Name one.

GK: I'd rather not.

TR: Name one thing you can talk to a woman about that you can't talk to me about. Name one.

GK: Beauty.

TR: Beauty! Ha! (HE HAWKS AND SPITS) You're getting soft in the head, pardner. I swear, I think you maybe drank downstream of the herd a few times too many. Made you loco.

GK: It isn't crazy to have a little sensitivity.

TR: Sensitivity! Ha! (HE HAWKS AND SPITS) I remember that time you squatted down by the campfire and sat on your spurs. Boy, you showed some sensitivity then! (HE CHUCKLES)

GK: I won't even dignify that with a response.

TR:  Let's go sit in the Ocean Bar and have us a snootful, what do you say?

GK: You go ahead, I'll just walk out on deck and gaze up at the stars.

TR: C'mon, don't be a party pooper.

GK: I'm not.

TR: Just come in for ten minutes. If it's no fun, then okay -

GK: This goes against my good judgment, Dusty -

TR: Good judgment comes from experience, Lefty, and all the really useful experiences come from bad judgment.

GK: I don't know about this - (DOOR CREAKS OPEN. FOOTSTEPS AS THEY WALK TO THE BAR AND SIT DOWN.) Nobody here, Dusty.

SS: Howdy, boys. What can I bring you?

TR: Bring us a whiskey bottle and two glasses, ma'am.

SS: Okay. What cabin you in?

GK: Just one glass, ma'am. I'd prefer a juice drink — how about orange juice, ginseng, a pinch of yeast, and some squeezed peaches?

AS: Did I hear you make a reference to squeezing Peaches?

GK: Yes.....

AS: That’s me. My name is Peaches.

GK: That's nice, I was talking about fruit but I’d be willing to reconsider and broaden my interests......where you from, Peaches? –

AS: I am from the West Side of Manhattan.

GK: Oh? I got friends there. They live at the Dakota on 72nd Street.

AS: I’m from north of there.

GK: North? Where?

AS: North Dakota. Mandan, North Dakota.

GK: That’s a ways west of Manhattan.

AS: You’re right. The Upper Far West Side of Manhattan.

GK: So you come from the prairie but you identify with the big city?

AS: You got it.

GK: What you doing on the cruise?

AS:  I’m singing.

GK: Aha. So what sort of songs you sing?

AS: Songs people want to hear. Love songs.

GK: My favorite kind.

AS: Romance is what people hope to find on a cruise ship, you know?

GK: Oh really? Like you?

AS:  Could be.

GK: I imagine you could have the pick of any men you’d ever run into. You must have a hundred men in love with you at any particular moment.

AS: I don’t think so.

GK: You ever hear of a song called "She Thinks I Still Care" --? Probably not, you being so young and all—

AS: I know that song. My grandpa used to sing it to me.

GK: Uh huh. Well, I know it too.

(PIANO "SHE THINKS I STILL CARE")


(SINGING)
GK:
Just because I took her on a sea cruise
And we sat and smelled the ocean air
Just because I kissed her slowly and intensely
She thinks I still care.

AS:
Well, just because I sang him an old love song
As I ran my fingers through his hair
And I leaned in close and put my arm around him
He thinks I still care.

BOTH:
Well, if (s)he wants to think that I’m attracted
Just because we swam at midnight in the pool
And sat and talked for hours in the hot tub
Does (s)he really think I’m such a fool?

Just because I bought her (him) a T-shirt
With my picture on the front for her (him) to wear
Just because we eat together in the Lido,
S(he) thinks I still care.

GK:
Well she’s mistaken thinking I adore her
That I’ll give her my heart and she can break it
Just because I stared into her blue eyes
As we swam in that pool buck naked—

(SINGING CONT.)
BOTH:
Well just because we’re married thirty years now
And there’s a cabin on the A Deck that we share
And I can’t wait to see her (him) every morning
She thinks I still care.

TR:  We better get back to the Showroom, Lefty, see how things are going.

GK: Go right ahead.

AS & GK (SING):

  Just because I think about her (him) every minute
  And to be alone is more than I can bear.
Just because I hold her (his) hand when I am near her (him)
  She thinks I still care.

FN (DEEP): Hi darling.

AS: Hi, sweetheart.

FN (DEEP): Who’s this?

AS: This is Lefty, sweetheart.

FN (DEEP): Hi Lefty. I’m Mister Peaches. You can call me Big John.

GK: Ah. So you two are—

AS: Yes, we are.

GK: Ah. Okay. Well— nice singing with you.

AS: Thanks. Me too.

FN (DEEP): Just for your information, sir---  I can whip any man alive, outpunch him, and if necessary outstink him. I have breath that can knock a buzzard off the garbage truck. And when I pass gas, there is no protection against it. Silent Death; kills people and leaves the houses standing.

 

SS: What'd you say you wanted? orange juice, ginseng, peaches, and yeast?

GK: Hold the peaches.

FN (DEEP): What’d you say?

GK: No peaches for me. I’ll have rosehips instead.

SS: You want rosehips?

GK: Yeah.

SS: My name is Rose. Pleasure to make your acquaintance. (BRIDGE)

TR: Boy, you seem to have a powerful attraction to unavailable women.

GK: I guess so. Just a romantic at heart. Got to keep sending out signals though so that when a woman comes along who is receptive, then there will be two of you on the same wavelength.

TR: Well, don’t make a fool of yourself.

GK: Isn’t no such thing as love without foolishness, Dusty.

TR:  I think of it more as a simple transaction.

GK:  I think of it as a fall from a great height.

TR: Why not just jump off a cliff? It’d be easy to arrange and then you’d only hurt one person instead of two.

GK: That makes too much sense, pardner.

SS: We found those fifty missing passengers, boys.

GK: Good. Where were they?

SS: They were in dark corners.

GK: Doing what?

SS: Guess.

TR: Well, I’ll be doggoned.

GK: Guess they got their money’s worth then.

 (THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS ...
Brought to you by Butte' Brand Facial Scrub. Available in Manly Mesquite and Cactus Creme

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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