April 10, 2010
Ryman Auditorium

Nashville, TN

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Guy Noir

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC DOWN)

GK: It was April and I was in Nashville, called down by The Country Music Hall of Fame because Dolly Parton's bagpipes were missing.

SS: Dolly donated those bagpipes to us a year ago. And now somebody walked off with them.

GK: I had no idea Dolly Parton played bagpipes

SS: Dolly loves bagpipes. She plays every chance she gets.

GK: I'll have a look around. (BRIDGE) So I walked around the Hall of Fame (TRAFFIC) up one street and down another until I heard bagpipes coming from an alley (BAGPIPES OFF) but when I hustled over there to get a closer look, it turned out to be a church organ not bagpipes (BAGPIPES HAVE MORPHED INTO ORGAN) and I stuck my head in the door of Pilgrim Methodist Church — and then a man grabbed me by the lapel—

TR: I'm from Uptown Religious Supply. So— you didn't order your palms from us this year. Or your Easter lilies. Why?

GK: Sir, I'm sorry but I'm afraid you—

TR: You were unhappy with your palms?
Too dry? They're supposed to be dry. Where'd you get yours? from Walmart? Well, let me tell you. You buy from them and there is no service. You get a bad batch of wafers, you get a candle that's cracked — you're up the creek — Look at this. I want you to have this.

GK: Looks like a chalice.

TR: It's a chalice with a spritzer. Squeeze the trigger.You spritz em with exactly one-one-hundredth of an ounce of wine each serving— saves you on wine and saves you on time — you can cut the time of communion in half, more if you have an elderly congregation.

GK: It's very nice, but there's one problem.

TR: What's that?

GK: I'm not the minister.

TR: Oh. Who are you?

GK: I'm a sinner.
TR: Oh. Okay. (BRIDGE)

GK: I was walking around looking for Dolly Parton's bagpipes and then I heard another pair of bagpipes (BAGPIPES) and by the time I hustled down the street and through an alley they had turned out to be a chainsaw (BAGPIPES HAVE MORPHED INTO CHAINSAW). And there was a guy standing in the backdoor of a building. And then he stopped. (CHAINSAW DIES)

FN: Hey—hello? excuse me?

GK: Yes sir?

FN: You know how to tune a chainsaw?

GK: This is a joke about banjos, right?

FN: No, I'm trying to add a chainsaw to a song I'm recording called "Got My Dog And A Truck And I'm Cutting Down Trees and Trying To Get Over You, Darling."

GK: You're recording a song?

FN: Yep. Right over here. Acne Studios.

GK: You mean Acme Studios?

FN: No, Acne. Owned by Justin Acne, the teenage singing star. Come on in. (BRIDGE)

GK: Of course I knew who Justin Acne was. He was a 15-year-old kid who had come out of nowhere and become a huge phenomenon, thanks to the lemming tendencies of 12-year-old girls and the miracle that is the Internet. I went in Acne Studios and saw a studio where an engineer was listening to tapes on a tape recorder. (FN: Right in this way, this is my engineer Buzz. TR: Hey there—)

GK: Hey— I didn't know anybody still had tape recorders.

TR: Listening to some tapes. Old ones. Very fragile. You remember Chet Atkins?

GK: Chet Atkins, you bet I do.

TR: We think we've discovered a whole boxful of unreleased Chet Atkins masters— listen to this.

(STEVE & PAT: CHET BEETHOVEN #5)

GK: Sure sounds like Chet Atkins, but I didn't know that he ever did Beethoven.

TR: Evidently he went through a whole classical period. He did Verdi

GK: He did opera?
TR: He did "La Donna e Mobile"—

(STEVE & PAT: LA DONNA)
GK: This could make a terrific album. Chet Picks On The Masters.

TR: Well, it wasn't all classics. The man had what you might call diverse tastes.

(STEVE & PAT: JEOPARDY THEME)

GK: So what're you going to do with these tapes?

TR: Somebody found ‘em in a box under a freeway overpass. Guess I'll talk to Chet's family, but first I want to make sure they're authentic.

GK: Well, I'm a detective, I could look into it for you.
I was just about to head out when a woman bustled in—

SS: Hello. I'm Helen Acne, I'm Justin's mother, and I run the studios here — you're from the press, I imagine— Good — Now, I know you're probably interested in Justin's latest, so here it is— Bobby, play the single—

(MUSIC, SYNTH, GUITAR)


FN (TEEN):
What about me?
What about me?
Everyone
Is having fun.
But hey, what about me?

What about me?
What about me?
The rest of the crowd
Gets to go out,
But hey, what about me?

What about me?
What about me?
(HE CONTINUES...
You're with Jim Bob while I'm working a job
Hey what about me?

GK: What's the title of it?

SS: It's called "What About Me" — I think it's going to be huge.

GK: Well, I suppose so. His last one sold a billion dollars worth. Went titanium. (BRIDGE) I was looking for the men's room and I walked through a door that turned out to be a studio where Willie Nelson—

(GUITAR)
TR (WILLIE SINGS):
Maria. I just met a girl named Maria.
And suddenly I found her lying on the ground by me — Tequila— We just had a couple tequilas—
And somehow it wound up in —

GK: Don't do it, Willie. Don't do it. (DOOR CLOSE) The place was hopping with people making records.
One room after another...all different styles

FN (RAP STYLE):

Oh listen to the jingle
The rumble and the roar
As she glides along the woodlands
Through the hills and by the shore
Hear the mighty rush of her engine
Hear that lonesome hobo's call
We're travelling through the jungles
On the Wabash Cannonball.

GK: Country music somehow changed— All these people with their own private vision of music, trying to make it actually happen.

AS (SINGING, WITH PIANO):

I love Paris in the springtime
I love Paris in the fall.

GK: Excuse me.

AS: Oh hi. Who are you?

GK: Honey, country singers don't sing about loving Paris. They sing about loving home. Paris isn't home.

AS: But I always liked that song.

GK: Find another one. Don't waste your time. (BRIDGE) I headed down to the Country Music Library and the engineer had put the Chet Atkins tapes on an iPod and I listened to it in the car.

(STEVE & PAT: STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN)

GK: Stairway to Heaven. Led Zeppelin. I wasn't sure that Chet Atkins would've recorded Led Zeppelin...so was it really him or was it a fake— in the end, it didn't matter. When hundreds of other people want to learn sound just like you or maybe even a little better, then you've done more than just sell some product, you've created a sound....(STEVE & PAT: GILLIGAN'S ISLAND) I listened to it driving down Broadway and got distracted and (SIREN) a cop pulled me over for speeding (BRAKES) and he walked up to the window on the driver's side...

TR: Going a little fast, aren't you— hey, that's Chet Atkins.

GK: You remember him?

TR: Course I do. Great guy. That's him all right.

FN (SOUTHERN): Excuse me, darling. Couldn't help but hear you playing old Chet— he was a good friend of mine, you know...

GK: Dolly Parton.

FN (SOUTHERN): Mind if I play along?

(BAGPIPES ON AVE MARIA)

GK: It's a great town, Nashville. You drive along and suddenly when you least expect it, there's music. Dogwood and magnolia and flowers of all kinds and music.

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC DOWN)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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