April 17, 2010
New Jersey Performing Arts Center

Newark, NJ

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Guy Noir

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life’s persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It’s April, a beautiful spring, and here I am in Newark, New Jersey, and people ask me why, why Newark in April, and it’s a long story, but not that long, and it started in St. Paul, Minnesota, in Danny’s Deli as I was waiting for Carl to make my espresso.

TR (MINNESOTA): You want flavoring with that, Mr. Noir?

GK: I want an espresso, Carl. E-s-p-r-e-s-s-o. Period.

TR: No hazelnut or vanilla? Chocolate?

GK: An espresso, okay?

TR: Okay, but we offer flavors. No extra charge. Raspberry, pineapple— cheese—

GK: Plain. Please.

TR: We have coffee flavoring too.

GK: This is coffee.

TR: So you want coffee flavoring?

GK: Just a plain espresso. Please.

TR: Okay. Just trying to be helpful, Mr. Noir. Point out other options. So you can get what you want.

GK: I know what I want. Espresso.

TR: Jeeze. Guy tries to be helpful, people bite your head off.

GK: Carl?

TR: So much anger out there today. I tell you—

GK: You mind making the coffee? Spare me the social analysis.

TR: You try to extend yourself to people, what do you get? A kick in the teeth.

GK: You know how to operate that machine, Carl?

TR: I was brought up to try to reach out to people— be of assistance — and I just keep getting slammed up against the wall.

GK: Sir?

TR: I’m from the Midwest. I was brought up to care.

GK: Sir, listen to me.

TR (STRANGLED): What do you want?

GK: A cup of espresso.

TR (STRANGLED): I know. I heard you.

GK: Then do it. (TR TAKES DEEP BREATH, RELEASED FROM STRANGLEHOLD) (ESPRESSO SEQUENCE)

SS (FRENCH): Pardon. Your name is Noir?

GK: Right.

SS (FRENCH): You are French?

GK: No. Sorry. American. I’m a detective. American private eye.

SS (FRENCH): A detective??? You???? Can it be true? I am seeking a detective. To help me find a missing person. Do you do that sort of work?

GK: She was a slender woman, a pale shining beauty, her breasts like friendly puppies, and the look in her green eyes made my heart do a mazurka. For her, I would’ve tried to find a missing butterfly.

SS (FRENCH): He is American, an American in Paris, his name is Al, and I love him except for his purple shirts with the white collar, which I told him look hideous and he got mad and I haven’t seen him since. I must find him.

GK: Why?

SS (FRENCH): I want him to be the father of my children.

GK: Fine. How many children do you have?

SS (FRENCH): I see you have moisture on your forehead, Mr. Noir. What are you thinking?

GK: I don’t know that I can express it in English, and unfortunately I am monolingual.

SS (FRENCH): You're in love with me, aren't you.

GK: Yes! Why should I deny it? I'd give up everything for you. My career, my office, even my clothing. Every article. I’d give it all up for you.

SS (FRENCH): If you're in love with me, then how could I trust you to try to find Al?

GK: I'm not afraid — I'll find him and
then you choose. (BRIDGE) So it was all arranged, I’d fly to Paris and look for an American in a purple shirt and I flew to Newark to catch the plane to Paris and that was when the volcano erupted in Iceland (VOLCANO) spewing millions of tons of ash into the skies over Europe and grounding all flights for several days —

SS (AIRLINE CLERK): I’m so sorry. Your flight to Paris is cancelled, due to the eruption.

GK: What erupted?

SS (AIRLINE CLERK): Eyjafjallajokull (EYE-a-fyat-la-jo-kutl), it’s a volcano in Iceland.

GK: Oh.

SS (AIRLINE CLERK): You can see it spewing tons of ash on the news.

(CLICK)
TR (NEWSCASTER): Meanwhile, in the north Atlantic, the eruption of Eyjafjallajokull (EYE-a-fyat-la-jo-kutl) continues to spew tons of ash over Europe. Here with a report from the village of Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin outside Reyjkjavik is reporter Peter Piper.
FN (REPORTER): This is Peter Piper reporting from Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin outside Reyjkavik and as you can see clouds of ash continue to spew from Eyjafjallajokull (EYE-a-fyat-la-jo-kutl), the volcano in Iceland whose name is now on people’s tongues around the world. President Obama made a statement at the White House today—

TR (OBAMA): My administration is watching very closely the situation with Eyjafjallajokull (EYE-a-fyat-la-jo-kutl), and we believe that it shows the necessity of better monitoring of volcanoes, not only Eyjafjallajokull (EYE-a-fyat-la-jo-kutl), but other volcanoes around the world. Thank you. And God bless the United States and also the people near Eyjafjallajokull.

GK: I stood around watching TV in Newark airport, in a crowd of unhappy travelers (MURMURS) who’d been planning to be in Paris in April and now were in Newark instead, and then I saw him. A guy in a purple shirt. Hey— monsieur.

TR: (FRENCH)

GK: C’mon, pal. Don’t give me that — you’re an American. I can tell by the shirt.

TR (FRENCH)

GK: Speak English, Al.
TR: (JERSEY) Do I know you?

GK: No. My name is Noir. I’m working for Celeste.

TR (JERSEY): Celeste! Where is she??? Is she here?

GK: She went to get some water.

TR (JERSEY): She went to get wooder. Where?

GK: Not wooder, Al. Water.

TR (JERSEY): That’s what I said. Wooder.

GK: Wooder is something else. She wants water. Maybe she’ll want wooder later, but right now it’s water.

TR (JERSEY): I donno what you’re talking about.

GK: Talking about Celeste.

TR (JERSEY): Ya mean MY Celeste?

GK: That remains to be seen.

TR (JERSEY): The pale shining beauty with the green eyes and the — you know— the—

GK: (BARKS TWICE)
TR (JERSEY): You better not be messin’ with my girl or I’m gonna hold your head under wooder, mister.

GK: What can I say, she’s looking for you but she found me instead and now we may have to have some sort of duel. Swords. Pistols.

TR (JERSEY): Wooder pistols. Hey— look who’s on TV.

GK: I turned and looked up and it was the former president, speaking from Dallas.

TR (BUSH): I just want to say that with these millions of tons of ash now spewing forth from Eyjafjallajokull (EYE-a-fyat-la-jo-kutl), President Obama has my full support and I am ready to help in any way I can.

GK: Beside him was Henry Kissinger.

TR (KISSINGER): The situation in Eyjafjallajokull (EYE-a-fyat-la-jo-kutl) is one of grave concern, anytime you have millions of tons of ash spewing, as you do now.

GK: Everybody was getting into the act.

TR (CLINTON): I have told Hillary that I am prepared to go to Eyjafjallajokull (EYE-a-fyat-la-jo-kutl) as soon as the spewing stops and do whatever is needed in behalf of our country.

GK: And just then, suddenly.....

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

SS (FRENCH): Oh Al....Al....mon amour.....mon cheri.....(KISSES, MURMURS IN FRENCH) (TWO SMALL BARKS)

GK: She ran up to him and tackled him and they were all over each other jabbering in French (TR, SS, FRENCH ENDEARMENTS) and I was like an inanimate object there. — Excuse me? Could we talk? The three of us?? It’s me? The older guy in the suit and the tie with the wooder stains on it? Hello?

SS (FRENCH):
Je vous aime de plus en plus et de plus en plus. J'adore ta chemise, je l'aime cette couleur. Mon amour est comme le volcan Eyjafjallajokull (EYE-a-fyat-la-jo-kutl)!

GK: What did she say?

TR (JERSEY): She said that she loves my shirt and that her love for me is like a volcano.

GK: Which volcano?

TR (JERSEY): The one in Iceland — it’s there on the TV.

GK: There are many volcanoes in Iceland. It must have a name.

TR (JERSEY): It’s the one that’s down by the wooder.

(BRIDGE)

GK: So anyway, that’s how come I’m in Newark. Long story. Just a traveler waiting to go to Paris, but now I have no reason to go, especially now that I look around at Newark. The city has its problems, sure, but at least there’s no volcano spewing millions of tons of ash. Just New York over there. But you can deal with that.

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life’s persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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