April 24, 2010
The Town Hall

New York, NY

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Cat

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(MEOW)
(MEOW)
(MEOW)

GK: He was a cat who lived in an apartment on the ground floor. He had been brought here as a tiny kitten and now he was a grown cat and he had never been outdoors. He liked to sit in the front window in the sun and lick his paws and wash his face (SFX) and when he saw the old gray squirrel run across the yard he always leaped at him and (BONK) hit his head on the glass. And if She were there, She would pick him up.

SS: Ooooooo my little honey bunny, did you hit your widdle head, huh, didja— ooooooo my little snuggle bunny, Mommy loves you soooooooo much. Yes, she does!!!! Mommy wuvs you so-so-soooooo much.

GK: And she would squeeze him tight and (MEOW) he had to suppress his own feelings of panic — (FN: Stay cool, stay cool, stay cool. Deep breaths. Easy.) — he hated to be squeezed. And She was a squeezer, no doubt about it.

She lived alone in the apartment except sometimes The Boyfriend came to visit at night.They went in the bedroom (DOOR CLOSE) and got busy in there (BED CREAKING, FASTER) and then she'd go into the bathroom and the Boyfrend lay in bed.

(MEOW)

TR: What you looking at?
(MEOW)

TR: Don't jump up on me or I'll throw you right out that door. I mean it.
(MEOW)

TR: They snipped off your equipment, didn't they. Too bad. Boo hoo for you. Now beat it.

GK: So he beat it. (MEOW) The Boyfriend's coffee cup was sitting on the table and as he passed, the cat stopped and raised one hind leg. (PEEING) Served him right. The Boyfriend didn't belong there. That was clear. But she didn't know that.

SS: C'mon, honey bunny...up on the bed with Mommy, snuggly-wuggly. I want you to meet Larry. This is Larry. This is Mommy's boyfriend. Okay? Don't you be jealous now. No no no no no. Want to give Larry a big kiss. Huh?

TR: Don't, okay?

SS: C'mon, honey bunny...give Mommy's friend a big kiss...okay?

TR: Berniece, please.
SS: Snuggy Wuggums wants to give you a kiss. Don't you, honey bunny?

GK: And she held him up toward The Boyfriend's face so that his lips were on The Boyfriend's cheek—

SS: Oooooooo. Snuggy Wuggums wuvs Larry, don't you. Oh yes he does.

GK: And The Boyfriend looked at him with loathing and the cat left and there was his coffee, so — (PEEING) and later that night when the Boyfriend got dressed to go, he said to the cat...

TR: Let me tell you something. When I move in here, you big fur bag, you are going to be out of here on your keester. Know what your keester is? That. (MROW) Count on it. Two is company, three's a crowd. Your time is up.

GK: So he tried to tell her what a jerk the Boyfriend was. (CAT IMPASSIONED SPEECH, BREAST-BEATING, VOICE BREAKS, SOBS) And she just didn't get it.

SS: O Snuggy Wuggums, we're all excited about something, aren't we. Oh my yes. Mommy loves it when you get all excited. (SHE KISSES HIM REPEATEDLY, RUFFLING HIS FUR)

GK: And then it was spring. It all happened so quickly. Birds singing. (SFX) You sang along with them (SFX). The window was open. And nobody had put a screen on it. And you jumped. (SFX, LANDING.) And you froze. (SFX) You'd never been outdoors in your life. (CAT SHIVERING) It was so strange. No walls. No fooddish. No her.(CAT SHOCK) Cars going by at high speed. (SFX) A jet plane goes by overhead (SFX) A motorcycle (SFX) Boys with firecrackers (SFX). A big bird in the tree. (SFX) That dang squirrel. (SFX) A garbage truck pulled up in the alley (GARBAGE TRUCK BACKING, STOPPING, LOADIONG CAN, COMPACTER). Terrifying. You looked up at the open window. (SFX) You crouched (SFX) and you leaped (SFX, AND NAILS SLIDING DOWN SIDING) and missed. You leaped again (LEAP, SLIDE). And now a large shadow fell over you. (TR GROWL) The hound stared at you, saliva dripping from his ugly lips. (CAT UH-OH) He was poised for the kill. Sure death.
Or maybe not. Remember that advice your old aunt gave you once.

SS (OLD CAT): In the short run, weirdness is the best defense. Take it from me. Hee hee hee hee.

GK: The dog is ready to jump (GROWL) Got to do it. Now. Make it work.

(FN CAT MEOWING A SEDUCTIVE SONG)

GK: With one paw behind your head, you dance on your hind legs and the hound is amused. (DOG CHORTLES) And you leap on him (MROW, SCRATCH) and you rake his nose with your claws (DOG YELPS) and you race across the yard (CAT GALLOP) and into the street (BRAKES). And a car stops. And it's her.

SS: Snuggums!

GK: And she snatches you up (SS SOBBING) and she kisses you a thousand times (SFX) and into the house you go and she's got fresh fish for you (CAT SNARFLING) and champagne (CAT LAPPING) and ice cream for dessert. (CAT NOTE OF EUPHORIA) And she loves you more than ever.

SS: You're all I have, Snuggums. You're my everything. He's gone. He left me. So cruel. He said my coffee tasted bad. Like cat piss. (CAT INTEREST) So we broke up. But I still have you, darling. You you you. Mommy wuvs you. Yes she does.

GK: And she does. But there is that window without a screen. It's there. And you know that one of these days, you're going to have to go out again and see what's what. Yes, you are. And you may not come back. (JET PASSES OVERHEAD)

(BUTTON)

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