April 24, 2010
The Town Hall

New York, NY

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Guy Noir

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...GUY NOIR, PRIVATE EYE.

GK: It was a beautiful spring day and I was in New York City, in the Self-Storage Hotel on 10th Avenue, room 11B, with a shag carpet on the floor that looked like a number of people had died on the spot. I'd come to New York to get away from my accountant, Lois, who'd come to see me on April 15. — Lois! Haven't seen you for awhile.

SS: Ever since I sent you the bill. Six months ago.

GK: Right.

SS: Guy, I'm here to tell you: you're broke. Your bank account is a black hole. It's anti-matter, Guy.

GK: It's taking me awhile to turn the corner here, Lois...you gotta—

SS: Guy, it isn't a corner, it's a cliff. And you went over it a long time ago. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But the handwriting is on the wall.

GK: Those are old phone numbers.

SS: Not that handwriting. I'm talking about the fickle hand of fate —it's trying to tell you something, Guy. Two little words.

GK: What?

SS: Find work. (STING)

GK: I found a credit card with a little life left in it and bought myself a one-way ticket to New York and got the hotel room as a perk. It came with a job I got through an Episcopal priest named Rose Ann Atwater-Kent who I met because I'd flirted with her in an elevator. —Hey, angel, haven't I met you before?

DM: If you went to Chicago Theological Seminary, maybe you did.

GK: You? Theological seminary? A woman with powerful pheromones like you?

DM: Why are you leaning over me?

GK: Just want to inhale you, ma'am.

DM: Well, just back off. I'm a black belt in taekwondo. I could take hold of your middle finger and flip you over like a pancake.

GK: I think I might enjoy that. So where's your church? Whatever you believe, I'd like to try to believe in it too.

DM: Don't have a church. They won't give me one. They say I'm too loud and brassy. Ha! Whatever!!

GK: So— you just need to tone it down.

DM: I grew up in a big family. If you didn't raise your voice, they walked all over you.

GK: Well, you're just a little intense. People expect their ministers to be gentle. Meek. I think the gospel mentions that. No?

DM: I'm not meek, I'm unique. And when I speak, I don't want to hold back. I love to put the hay out there where the goats can get it. And when I celebrate Mass, I like it to be festive, you know? Celebrate! Woo-hoo! Wake up, people! (SHE SINGS)
Pax Dómini vobíscum.
Up against the wall and frisk em.
Can't trust em, gotta watch em
Dona nobis, nobis pacem.

GK: It's a prayer, though. Not a cheer. That's what I thought.
DM: Awwww. I say to heck with them. Did you know it takes forty-two muscles to frown and only four muscles to give people the finger?

GK: Didn't know that.

DM: So— they don't want me in the church? no big deal. Bug off! Who cares! (BRIDGE)

GK: So it was through her I got the job with Celebrity Dinner Cruises, and made my way to the Hudson and the offices of Whosis Cruises.

TR: We're operating celebrity dinner cruises on the Hudson, Mr. Noir. Tonight we have the former radio host Carson Wyler.

GK: Never heard of him.

TR: He used to be big. Host of a variety show called Los Pampas Casa Compagneros. It means The Friend of the House on a Flat Place.

GK: So this was a Hispanic show?

TR: No, it was entirely in English. Why the title, nobody ever knew. He just liked it, I guess.

GK: And this guy needs security?

TR: He needs someone to stand around the ship and when he comes in sight, you'd say, "Isn't that Carson Wyler? Boy, that sure looks like Carson Wyler."

GK: Somebody to announce his approach—

TR: Exactly. Problem is that he sounds normal and friendly but in person he looks like a heinous criminal. (BRIDGE)

GK: I was on my way to the boat (BOAT HORN) when I was accosted by a man from Wall Street. He stood so
close, I could see the swollen capillaries in his retina.

FN: Hey. Got a minute? Let me tell you something. Bullfrog futures. It's hot right now. Never heard of em? Bullfrog Exchange. We put three bullfrogs on the floor and you buy a contract, or sell, or bet against the contract, on whether the bullfrog comes in first, second, or third. Credit bullfrog swaps. Collateralized amphibians. Leverage your bullfrog with a little buckshot in his throat. I am very bullish on bullfrogs. You don't want to miss the boat. Let me show you this— (HE FADES)

GK: And that's how I missed the boat. I ran across the street (TRAFFIC WHIZZING PAST) and into a taxicab (BRAKES, WHUMP) and bounced off the windshield and lay there in the street as a flock of warblers circled my head (SFX) and when I came to, the ship was gone, with the celebrity on board, and I was in a little bistro called the No Music Café. — what is this? Hello? Who're you?
SARA: You okay?

GK: I guess. You come here often?

SARA: Yeah. It's quiet here. I like that. In the bar up the street there's a singer so bad nobody wants to sing with him. He had to get a duet-yourself kit.

GK: Interesting.

SARA: I felt this terrible anxiety right before he sang. Pre-minstrel tension.

GK: I see.

SARA: He thought he was a poet but I just wanted to throw a chicken at him. Give him the pullet surprise.

GK: The pullet surprise, huh?

DM: Hey hey hey. What you doing here?

GK: I was unconscious and they carried me in.

DM: Usually it's the other way around.

SS: What can I get you ladies?

SARA: Absinthe for me. Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
DM: Make mine a martini. Straight up with a twist. I'm celebrating.

GK: What's the occasion?

DM: Got me a church.

GK: Hey, congratulations.

DM: It's at an old folks home. Fifty parishioners. All of them deaf as a post. DEAF! Hear me?

GK: Heard you both times. Sounds perfect for you.

DM (SINGS):

Pater noster, qui es in cœlis,
Everybody play your ukeleles

Líbera nos, O Dómine
I WAS BORN IN THE USA.

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.

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