May 1, 2010
The Town Hall

New York, NY

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Guy Noir

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(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions........Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was the first of May and I was in New York, trying to locate a missing person, and I turned on the Yankees game (TR RADIO ANNC: And after five innings, it's Yanks 3, Minnesota Twins 7. Back after this message....) and on came a commercial and this lady singing about spring housecleaning—

KB (SINGING, ON RADIO):
Cleanliness is divine
I take a swamp and make it shine

I dust your knickknacks with a song
And put them back where they belong

TR: Yes, if your apartment has gone to the dogs (WOOFS), time to call for New York's favorite housecleaner......Katie Green, the Queen of Clean.

KB (SINGS):
We will do a great job forya.
We're in Queens, in Astoria. (GONG) (BRIDGE)

GK: I was on the trail of a missing college student. A girl from St. Ansgar's College, gone to the city to do outreach in the arts — next thing they knew she was living with a guitarist, supporting him on her credit card— so I was sent to find her (SS: It's my life so what is the big deal—? I mean, get over it. )

GK: Okay, but just talk to your mother on the phone, okay?

SS (GIRL): (BIG SIGH) Hello.

SS (MOM): (SOBBING)

SS (GIRL): What do you WANT?

SS (MOM): (SOBBING)

SS (GIRL): Get a grip.

SS (MOM): How can you do this to us?

SS (GIRL): Do what? Live? Have a life? Touch another human being??? Is that what offends you? The idea that one person can care about another person????

SS (MOM): No.

SS (GIRL): What is it then?

SS (MOM): It's that you're living with a guitarist. And that means his place is a mess. You're living in filth. (BRIDGE)

GK: So I made peace between them. I told the girl, whose name was Lindsay, and her guitarist boyfriend, whose name was Prairie, that her mom was going to provide them a cleaning lady so they could live in sin but not in squalor.

SS: Right. But I mean — Prairie is not like 100% sure this is a good idea. You know?

FN: Yeah. What about my stuff? I gotta lot of stuff, like, music and all that.

GK: You're a cabdriver, kid—

FN: I'm writing a lot of music, man. All these, like, ideas keep coming to me—

SS: He's very creative.

GK: It's a mess.

SS: That's because he's creative.

GK: Creativity is supposed to create order out of chaos. Not the other way around.

FN: What are you, somebody's junior high teacher? Man. Give me a break.

GK: I'm giving you a break. A big one. A cleaning lady. It's the dream of all New Yorkers. (BRIDGE) So I headed for Astoria, in Queens, where Katie Green lives (TRAFFIC PASSING) — in a big house on Moussaka Avenue. (DOORBELL) (BIG DOOR SWINGS OPEN)

TR (BRIT): Yes? May I help you?

GK: I'm looking for Miss Green.

TR (BRIT): Miss Green is not available to be seen.

GK: What do you mean? So you're the go-between?

SS: No, I am the go-between. My name is Irene. And you are Guy Noir.

GK: How'd you know that?

SS: It came up on the computer screen. Care for caffeine? (BRIDGE)

(FOOTSTEPS ON MARBLE)

GK: Nice place she's got here. Marble floors. (FOUNTAIN)

SS: Yes. And she worked hard for it.

GK: Love the fountain. (ELEGANT DOG BARK) The wolfhounds. And the peacocks. (SFX)

SS: Here is the pool. (GENTLE WAVES)

GK: My gosh. That is the biggest indoor pool I've ever seen.

SS: Four acres. (DOLPHINS)

GK: And are those—?

SS: Those are her dolphins. Constantine and Jean.

GK: I can see the cleaning business has been very good to Miss Green.
SS: She came to New York and started out cleaning apartments and now it's the biggest cleaning service in New York. Oh— here she is now—

KB (SINGS)
I used to be a Broadway singer
But now I love my mop and my bucket with a wringer.
(SPEAKS) Hello, Mr. Noir.
GK: You know who I am?
KB: Know all about you. —
GK: The room was dim except for lighted pictures of her in her starring roles — as Maria and Mama Rose and Auntie Mame —
KB : I had a vision, Mr. Noir. Late one night. Walked out of the stage door of the Schubert theater and 44th Street was all littered with trash and I saw that my true mission in life is to clean. (SHE SINGS)
You've got to have SOAP
The microscope will show you need some SOAP
Like a man needs a rope as he gropes up the slope
To open the way
In a Utopian world
You could get along on hope
But just call up the Pope and you know he will say, Nope,
You really need soap.

GK: So you left the stage to become a cleaning lady.
KB: We're the only singing cleaning service in New York. You've gotta Be Positive. You can't let filth and disorder get you down. You've got to believe. (SINGS): There is no such thing as an irremovable stain.
TR (SINGS): You scrub and scrub until it goes down the drain.
SS (SINGS): You can use shampoo
Give a little squirt or two (SFX)
KB (SINGS): Rub in gently. Run the vacuum through it.
TR (SINGS): That's all there is to it.
KB (SINGS):
There are other solvents you can use.
The stain determines which you choose.
Cold water for coffee.
Hot water for mud.

TR (SINGS): Club soda for chocolate.
SS (SINGS): Baby wipes for blood.
TR (SINGS): Vegetable oil removes a decal.
SS (SINGS): For gum, egg white is good. And Murphy's Oil Soap works very well on wood.
KB (SINGS):
Windex, Chlorox, Lysol will clean
Over, under, around, between,
But the one that takes the prize
To disinfect and deodorize,
Winter, spring, summer, autumn,
To clean your house from top to bottom
To clean the ship from stern to spinnaker—
Yes!— it's vinegar. KB (SINGS):
Cleans fast, cleans deep,
And it's incredibly cheap.
It'll disinfect and deodorize
And the smell disappears when it dries.
Teach your son, teach your daughter:
One part vinegar, one part water.

GK: Well, it's inspirational, Miss Green. To meet a woman who was a star and then found her true vocation in cleaning—
KB: Excuse me— I have to take a call. — Hello?
SS (NYER, ON PHONE): Hey, Cinderella, I got a job for ya. My great aunt Millie died last week and now we know why she wouldn't let anybody into her apartment for the past twenty-seven years. It's a horror show.
KB: I'll send somebody right away. — Hello?
TR (ON PHONE, GANGSTER): Hey, tell me, how can I remove bloodstains from a carpet?
KB: Bloodstains? What happened?
TR (GANGSTER): I got a friend who bleeds a lot.
KB: Is it just a little spot— or a big spot?
TR (GANGSTER): Kind of a big spot. Sort of splattered.
KB: Well, it's best to use cold water or baking soda and start immediately before the stain gets into the fibers of the carpet.
TR (GANGSTER): Immediately, huh? (SIREN OFF) Uh oh. I gotta run. Thanks. Bye. (STING)
GK: Well, I can see you're busy, Miss Green. I can come back.
KB: Hold on, Mr. Noir. I need you to do something for me.
GK: For you??? I don't clean.
KB: I don't need that.
GK: What do you need?
KB: I need what everyone needs.
GK: What's that?
KB: It's springtime, Mr. Noir.
GK: A busy season for you, I'm sure.
KB: It's very lonely when a woman comes home after a day of bringing cleanliness to New York. I run a hot bath and sit and soak and — I want someone to scrub my back, Mr. Noir.
GK: You want me to find you a boyfriend?
KB: (SINGS)
You've got to have LOVE
It's the thing you need lots of
And when push comes to shove, it fits hand in glove, if the truth be told
I need someone to hold.
GK: What sort of person you looking for? New York is full of men. Take your pick. Old, young, tall, short, smart, not so smart—
KB: Needy.
GK: You're not looking for needy?
KB: I get plenty of needy all day. I want to come home and get Strong But Silent.
GK: Silent.
KB: Silent.
GK: How silent?
KB: Real silent.
GK: Not a lot of that going on around here, is there.
(PAUSE......FAST FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)

TR (NYER, FAST): You would not believe what just happened to me. You would not believe this. I was just coming around the corner — you know, by the dry cleaners — I mean, what used to be the dry cleaners, there's a Starbucks there now, that one where I like to go in the morning and have a venti latte with vanilla — I mean, sometimes I get a mocha, but usually I like vanilla, and always a cranberry scone, O my god I would die for those cranberry scones — anyway — I am coming around the corner and — you know that barista in Starbucks, the one with maroon hair and the safety pin in her ear — she comes out of the café and she looks at me and I look at her and she says, Jack, and I say, Louise. And its her. I used to know her. We used to ride the No. 101 bus together. We just sat down together and it was like we'd known each other all our lives. Anyway, she's telling me all about her (DOOR SLAM)
(PAUSE)
KB: See what I mean?
GK: Right.
KB: I want a real quiet guy.
GK: You're sure.....
KB: I just want to put my head against his chest and listen to his heart beat.
GK: Not a talker.
KB: I've heard it all. Believe me.
GK: A quiet man.
KB: Who'll take out dead mice and change lightbulbs and make breakfast in the morning and start the car when its cold and at night he can scrub my back.
GK: I see.
(FAST FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
FN (NYER, FAST): Oh my gosh, this has been the most incredible day of my life, I cannot believe what just happened to me, I got off the train at 86th Street, you know, but instead of coming up at 86th, I walked to the end of the platform at 88th, and I was coming up the stairs, and I dropped my Metrocard there at the top of the stairs just as this guy was coming down and he reached for the Metrocard and handed it to me and I come up on the sidewalk and I decide to go over to the Park because it's really really nice out and I cross the street and somebody yells, Hey Josh, and I look and don't see anybody, so I'm in the Park and these skaters go by at top speed and one of them looks just like Laura so I'm walking along and thinking, like, was that her or was that somebody who looks like her — you remember what she looks like? Laura, the one I met in improv class? Remember? Improv. I told you all about that— (DOOR SLAM) —
GK: Miss Green?
KB: Yes, Mr. Noir.
GK: If you want a quiet man, you may have to go to Minnesota.
KB: Where?
GK: It's in the Midwest.
KB: You mean, like Pennsylvania?
GK: Farther west.
KB: What's out there?
GK: Flat country. And quiet men.
KB : Are there cities there? I'm allergic to corn and beans and grass.
GK: There are cities. Some. Minneapolis, for example, is a city.
KB: I've heard of that. —How would I meet somebody there?
GK: A quiet man? Just look around until you see one you like and walk up to him and start talking and keep on talking—
KB: About what?
GK: About everything and nothing and whatever comes into your head, and after awhile he'll realize that you are the woman of his dreams because you're beautiful and kind and smart and he won't ever have to say another word.
KB: What's his name?
GK: Bob.
KB: (SINGS) I've got to have BOB—
KB & GK (SING):
He probably can do the JOB
And we will hobnob til we drop to a popular song
When my heartthrob comes bob-bob-bobbin along
When my heartthrob comes bob-bob-bobbin along

GK: Good luck, Miss Green. I hope you find him. (THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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