May 1, 2010
The Town Hall

New York, NY

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Rhubarb

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GK: It happens on a Friday. You go in to the TV station to do the weather as you've been doing for 35 years and — (FN: We're letting you go, Howard. I'm sorry.)

TR: What? But I've been the top-ranked TV meteorologist for 23 out of the past 24 years, sir.

FN: Yes. Until last year. But you're old, Howard. Your jowls are bouncing when you talk. And you're so white, we're getting a reflection off your head.

TR: But sir—

FN: Please see Miss Gronseth in HR, she'll walk you through the exit procedure.

TR: Please sir.

FN: Meet your replacement, Cynthia.

SS (BREATHLESS): Hi, Mr. Fenster. I grew up watching you on TV. You're the reason I majored in meteorology with a minor in cosmetology. Would you mentor me?

TR: I'd like to mentor you right out the door, toots.

FN: Take it easy, Howard. You're old and washed up. It happens. Get over it.
GK: You go home and his words echo in your brain. (FN REVERB: You're old and washed up. Get over it. You're old and washed up. Get over it.)

TR: Not either.

FN (REVERB): You're old and washed up. Get over it.

GK: So you feed your cats (SFX) and you put on that bikini swimsuit (RUBBERY SQUEEK), the one that someone gave you as a joke — and you lather on some SPF 30, (SPLORT) and you grab a garden spade and head out to your garden down by the alley to put in your tomato plants and your 94 year-old neighbor is out on her back porch (SS OFF: What's going on down there?)(TR: Just putting in my tomato plants, Miss Barnacle) (SS OFF: Romance??? What are you talking about?) (TR: Got to get them in today and not wait for manana.) (SS OFF: Marijuana???) And she goes inside to call the cops (SS: He's over there practically bare naked and I've never seen him before in my life) (DIGGING) You're working hard now, and it feels good, and you're getting some sun so you won't be so white (LOUD BUZZING), and oh oh, a bumblebee, but where is it? It's close, very close (BUZZING STOPS) It ‘s walking downthe canyon in the rear of your bikini swimsuit. It's walking down into the great divide and (SLAP, BUZZ, SCREAM) you slap it and drive its stinger deep into your backside, it feels like you're on fire back there, (SIREN OFF) You pull down the swimsuit, and look behind you Just as the cops arrive...

(VOICES: Put down the shovel, Sir. This way. You have the right to remain silent.)

GK: And that evening, for the first time in your life, you are an item on the news. (SS: A beloved local broadcaster was arrested today for indecent exposure. His colleagues expressed shock and disbelief at what appears to have been sexual assault. It's believed that the shock of being fired my have driven Howard Fenster over the brink. )
(THEME) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing takes the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth quite like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
One little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
ALL:

Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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