The Town Hall
New York, NY«archive page
(TEACH YOUR CHILDREN)
GK: If it hadn't been for your mother, you would’ve been a goner. Has anybody told you about those scars on your back, that’s where that giant condor got its claws in you on the playground, you were two, you’d wandered away from your sister’s piano recital, and you were near the swing set when suddenly (BIRD SHRIEK, BEATING OF WINGS, TR CHILD: Mom!!!! BIRD WINGS.) And your mama was there. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS SS: Bird, leave my baby alone!!! (BIRD SQUAWK) And she leaped up and got that giant condor in a headlock (BIRD CHOKING) until it let go of you. (TR: Ouch) And she drove the bird away. (SS: GO AWAY!!! BIRD WINGS, AND SQUAWK) And she never told anybody about this. Your sister’s piano recital. (CHOPIN PIANO, HESITANT) . Your mother would have been so happy if you'd learned piano, but you had an attention span of about 15 seconds. You were always wandering off and that’s when you fell into the deserted mine shaft (TR CHILD ECHO: Mom?? Mom??) SS: Mother’s here, Timmy. I’m lowering myself down on a winch now. (RATCHETING, MOTOR) SS ECHO: It’s all dark here, Timmy. Where are you? TR CHILD: Way down here. (SNAKE) SS ECHO: Snakes, leave my baby alone!!! (WHACKING, SNAKES) You just could not stay in one place for long. Meanwhile, your sister became a very accomplished pianist. (CHOPIN) And developed social skills.
ER: Thank you very much. I am so very lucky to be given this $500,000 stipend by the MacArthur Foundation and I promise you that I will use this extraordinary opportunity to develop myself as an artist and as a human being. Thank you again.
GK: She was going up and up and up and you were wandering around getting into serious trouble, which your Mother kept rescuing you from.
FN (GIRL): Oh oh. Somebody’s coming
SS: Honey? Who’s in that car with you?
TR: I’m okay, Mom.
FN (GIRL): Where’s my shoes?
SS: No, you’re not. Come out. Who is she?
TR: Please, Mom. (CAR DOOR OPEN) Mom!!!!
SS: I don’t know who you are but you leave my son alone. And button yourself up.
FN (GIRL): Leave HIM alone? What are you talking about?
SS: You leave my baby alone. Come in, darling. (BRIDGE)
GK: Over and over, your mother saved you from disaster while your talented and brilliant sister excelled at piano (CHOPIN). And then you turned against your mother and you broke her heart.
TR (MEAN KID): Step on a crack and break my mother’s back. (STOMPS) There! There! There! There! (SS WHIMPERS OF PAIN)
GK: And you broke her back so that she had to be in a wheelchair, but still sloved you. (SS: He’s a good boy. Down deep, he has a good heart.) Your sister became an artist and a saint……
ER: I am no longer going to perform in concert halls. I am going to take my music into prisons and bring beauty into the lives of the outcastes of society. (CHOPIN)
GK: And your shining talented beautiful sister brought her music to Sing-Sing where you were doing 10-15 for grand auto theft. It started as a video game and then it got real and (OPENING OF STEEL DOOR) FN: In there, wise guy.
TR: Solitary!!!!!! What’d I do????
FN: Bad attitude. In there. Here’s your bread and water.
TR: But my sister is giving a concert…..
FN: Tough luck. See you in thirty days. (DOOR CLANK SHUT)
TR: Oh what a pitiful miserable wretched fate. Locked up alone in this dreary dungeon (RATS, DRIPPING), with no one to talk to. Alone! All alone!
SS: You’re not alone. I’m here.
SS: There is no solitary confinement for you as long as I’m still around.
TR: I’m sorry, Mom. Sorry I broke your back.
SS: I love you, little Timmy. More than ever.
(REPRISE, LAST VERSE OF SWEETEST GIFT)
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).