June 12, 2010
Spokane Arena

Spokane, WA

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Fear

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GK: ...after a word from the Fearmonger’s Shoppe, serving all your phobia needs since 1947.

Maybe you’ve seen the sign just above the Flush button on the toilet on the airliner----

TR: “Do Not Flush While Seated On Toilet.” Wonder what that means? Oh well----

GK: And one day you’re in the toilet when the plane hits sudden turbulence (SHAKING OF PLANE) and without thinking you press the Flush button and (FLUSH, SUCTION) you feel the toilet suck you down like a rat in the mouth of a python --- (SUCTION) And an alarm goes off. (KLAXON) And it startles you and you accidentally press the Flush button again (FLUSH, SUCTION) -----and now you’re locked onto the toilet seat.

(KNOCKS)

SS (MUFFLED): Is everything okay in there?

GK: If only you had----

FN: THE LEVER OF LIFE (GONG)


GK: Yes, the Lever of Life from the Fearmonger’s Shop. The lever can be wedged into tight places to break a powerful suction seal ----- if you had it, you could force it between the toilet seat and your haunch (SFX) and push (TR EFFORT) and (BIG FLUBBERY WHOOSH) and you’d be free. But now you’ll have to stay stuck until the plane lands (SFX) and the mechanics come aboard to remove the toilet seat (POWER DRILL) with you in it and carry you upside down in through the terminal door (WORKMEN MUTTERS) looking like a Parker House roll on a plate. And they will find the package that that man asked you to carry aboard the plane----

SS: A package of white powder? Whose is this?

TR: I have no idea!!!

GK: Accepting packages from strangers to carry aboard an aircraft and then flushing while seated on the toilet. You’ll go to prison for probably ten to fifteen years.

TR: I was on my way to Spokane and now I’m going to San Quentin instead.

GK: If you had only remembered to bring along ----

FN: THE LEVER OF LIFE. (GONG)


GK: It can rescue you from getting stuck in a bathtub. (EFFORT, AND FLUBBERY SQUEAKY SQUORT) Or in a chair. (EFFORT, AND RIP) And it comes with a heated tip so that if you should put your tongue on a frozen pump handle---- (FN (TONGUE ON HANDLE) Oh no. Why did I do that? Why?) ---- you’ll be able to use the Lever of Life to free yourself. The Lever of Life. From the Fearmonger’s Shoppe.

ALL SING:
If it can happen it likely will
It hasn’t yet but it probably will
Eventually it’ll happen to you
When you least expect it to
And suddenly it’s standing HERE
The thing they said you should not fear.

SCREAM

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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