June 12, 2010
Spokane Arena

Spokane, WA

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Guy Noir

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(THEME)

SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying tofind the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir,
Private Eye.


GK: It was June, one of those sunny summer days
when you suddenly realize how depressed you've been for the past six months. I was in Spokane where I’d been called in to investigate a strange note found in Riverfront Park in a large manila envelope that someone had tried to feed to a goat (GOAT) and that the goat regurgitated (SFX).

TR: A lot of people are upset about this, Mr. Noir. It’s got all of Spokane talking.

GK: The note says: “Guess what. You’re going to be a father.”

TR: A number of men have left town already and enlisted in the Navy. Or, as we call it, the Home for Unwed Fathers.

GK: Well, what’s going on, do you think?

TR: Same things that’ve been going on for years and years.

GK: Canoodling.
TR: Some of that. Also some fooling around.

GK: Anything unusual in town lately?

TR: Well, there’ve been some strangers around, Mr. Noir. They’ve been coming in all spring. Ever since Microsoft opened up a factory here to make crash helmets.

GK: I see.

TR: So they brought in people from Seattle to run it. You can tell they’re from Seattle because when they come out of a building into direct sunlight---- look over there---- that man----

FN (OFF): Oh my gosh. Ohhhhh. Take it away! I’ll talk!!! Take it away!!!!

TR: They can’t tolerate sunlight and they can’t drink the water. So they buy bottled water, never mind the price. So we just run Spokane tap water into bottles and put a French label on it and get five bucks for ten ounces.

GK: Not a bad deal. So how long they going to stay here?

TR: They planned to only stay a year but they discovered that you can buy a palace in Spokane for less than you’d pay for a one-bedroom in Seattle. So they’re driving up housing prices and forcing Spokaners to move to Idaho.

GK: What’s wrong with that?
TR:In Idaho, you’ve got to buy five acres of land and string razor wire around it and nail Bible verses to the trees. Otherwise they won’t talk to you. (STING, BRIDGE)

GK: I was looking around town and found a saloon called Father’s Day and went in and there was a lady bartender and a line of gloomy guys sitting nursing their beers and throwing darts at a dartboard. (SFX) ---- Interesting name for a saloon, Father’s Day.

SS: Well, you know it was invented here in Spokane. 1910. A woman name Sonora Smart Dodd.
(DART THROWN)

SS: What can I get you, mister? It’s Happy Hour if you’re a father.

GK: Nope, not me. Don’t qualify.

SS: Not a father?

GK: Nope.

SS: How close did you come?


GK: Well, I went to a party once and got in a very intense conversation with a beautiful woman and she disagreed with everything I was saying and I could feel a powerful attraction that I knew I’d be helpless to break in another fifteen minutes and which would lead inexorably to a house in the suburbs and four children and tricycles in the driveway and a man walked up and said, Quit bothering my wife, and that was as close as I came. ---- (DART THROWN)

FN: Got a nice touch with darts, mister. How about we switch to knives?

GK: Go ahead.

FN: Little more heft to them. (KNIFE THROW, HIT)

SS: You look out you don’t knock a hole in that wall.

TR: Yeah, I tried to stay single but unfortunately I learned to salsa dance and got a lot of women excited and one of them was Suzanne and she took me down to her place by the river and fed me tea and oranges and I touched her perfect body with my mind and next thing I knew she was going around with a basketball under her dress. (KNIFE THROW, HIT) ----

GK: Bullseye.


FN: Same with me. I stood up in that karaoke bar and I sang, “Volare, oh oh
Cantare, oh oh oh oh
Let's fly way up to the clouds
Away from the maddening crowds
We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of
Where lovers enjoy peace of mind.”

HA! Peace of mind. Next thing I knew we had a four-bedroom house and the bedrooms were full of all these little people who wanted me to wipe their noses. Why me???? (KNIFE THROWN, HIT) Darn. Missed.

GK: Well, I just saw there was a lot of unhappiness in marriage. Half of all marriages end in divorce.

SS: And the other half fight it out to the bitter end.

(DOG SEQUENCE)

GK: That dog chased us across the bridge and over the river and into the Arena and there was some sort of show going on and a man in a suit standing and talking -----

TR (GK): Yeah, it’s been quiet back in Lake Wobegon. Real quiet. Not a whole lot going on. Nothing really worth mentioning. Sort of the same old thing over and over. But that’s how it’s always been. You know. Just a real quiet town.

GK: I tried to get into it and then I heard a jazz band playing (THEME) and it sounded like somebody was having a good time and I headed off there.

SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy
is still trying to find the answers...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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