September 4, 2010
Minnesota State Fair

Saint Paul, MN

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Wildlife

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(ORGAN)

TR (ANNC): And now, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products brings you— Dr. Kyle McDougal, Wildlife Urologist.

(CRICKETS, FOOTSTEPS IN UNDERBRUSH)

SS:  What a beautiful day.  Fall colors already.  And it’s barely September.  The summer has gone by in a whiz. 

GK:  Speaking of whiz, Maureen, I think that cougar is nearby. The one with the enlarged prostate. I want to find him before nightfall.

SS:  It’ll be dark soon. And you have tickets to the Guthrie.

GK: I can tell from the trail of urine drippings that the animal is in considerable discomfort and in danger of developing a urinary tract infection. We must press on.

SS: But the play ---- and weren’t you invited to the director’s home for wine and cheese afterward?

GK: Let’s just try to focus, Maureen. Another creature is suffering and only you and I can help him.

SS (UNDER): Sometimes I wish I had a prostate. An enlarged one.  Maybe he would notice me then.

GK:  What was that Maureen?

SS:  Nothing.  Just talking to myself. 

GK:  I know you think it’s strange, Maureen. Giving up a lucrative practice caring for elderly housecats in Kenwood so that I could go into the woods and rescue raccoons and cougars and muskrats with urinary issues, but a man has to follow his heart and this is my mission.  I’ve found a real sense of mission here that I never knew before.
(OWL HOOT, WALKING THROUGH GRASS)

SS: I know that, Doctor. I only want to partner with you in your mission. Partner------ did you hear me? (COUGAR CRY)

GK:  There he is, Maureen.  Staggering by that tree over there, trying desperately to urinate. (COUGAR DISCOMFORT) Blow dart please.

SS:  Here you go doctor. 

(BLOW DART, THUK, COUGAR PASSES OUT)

 

 

GK:  Got him.  Quick. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS THROUGH GRASS)
Rubber glove please, for the digital examination.  (GLOVES SNAP ON). Actually, maybe you should do the digital exam, Maureen. Your fingers are smaller.

SS: I’d rather not, Doctor.

GK: Very well.  A squirt of lubricant (SFX) And in we go. (COUGAR MOANS).  Yep. Prostate’s  enlarged all right.  (SFX). I think we’ll do a transurethral microwave procedure.  Scalpel please.

SS:  Here you go, doctor.

GK:  Now let’s just make the incision here--- (INCISION)

SS: Beautiful.

GK:  Clamp back the area, Maureen.

(CLAMPING)

SS: There you go, doctor.   (MILD COUGAR NOISES)

GK: Microwave catheter please.

SS:  Here you go doctor.

GK:  There’s something crawling up my pantleg, Maureen, but I’m going to ignore it.

SS:  Do you want me to see what it is, Dr. McDougal?

GK: Later. Turn on the microwave generator. (CLICK, WARBLING LASER WAVES)

GK:  There we go.   (COUGAR MOAN)

SS: What’s happening, Dr. McDougal?

GK: The computer-generated microwaves are travelling through this catheter to heat the prostate and destroy excess tissue.  It’s minimally invasive. And when we’re finished he should have all his faculties back.  Ease of urination, and anything else he might want to do.

SS: Like what, Doctor McDougal? 

(LASER WARBLING)

GK:  Almost finished, Maureen.

SS:  So he’ll soon be back to his…full capacity?

GK:  And we’re finished.  (LASER SHUTDOWN).  Needle and thread please, Maureen.

SS:  Here you go doctor.  (SEWING)  What about that thing crawling up your leg?

GK: I can feel it around my knee now, whatever it is.

SS:  It could be an infected deer tick.

GK: I have to sew up the patient, Maureen. 

SS:  I could look up your pantleg for you, Dr. McDougal.

GK:  No, I’m going to need you to open his mouth while I insert this antibiotic.

SS: Now?  (COUGAR)

GK:  Now.

SS:  Okay, I’ve got him. (COUGAR GAG)

GK: I need to place it way back in his throat.  So his swallowing reflex takes over.

(COUGAR GAG)

SS: You got it, Dr. McDougal?

GK: Just a little further.  (COUGAR GAGGING)  A little further (GAGGING)…almost there….(BIG SWALLOW)  And it’s down.  Good work Maureen.
SS: And what about you, Dr. McDougal?

GK:  What about me?

SS:  You might have a deertick headed for your inner thigh right now. 

GK:  I guess I’d better take off my pants and check.
You don’t want to go behind a tree while I do this, Maureen?  (UNZIPS)

SS:  I’m a professional

GK:  It’s up to you.

SS:  When you’re searching for a tiny deer tick in dim light, it helps to have another set of eyes, Dr. McDougal. 

GK:   I do feel something moving right now.

SS:  It’s getting dark out.  (STIRRING) The cougar is waking up.

GK:  We don’t have a lot of time.

SS:  What would you like me to do, Dr. McDougal? 

(COUGAR CRY)

GK:  He’s getting up.
SS:   But what about you, Dr. McDougal?

GK:  Look, he’s headed to the stream.

SS:  He’s lifting his leg--- (BIG STRONG PEE) Oh Dr. McDougal.

GK:  Another victory in Wildlife Urology, Maureen.

(PEE STOPS, RESUMES EVEN STRONGER)

SS:  My goodness, Dr. McDougal.

GK:  This is why we do what we do, Maureen.

SS:  But what about you, Dr. McDougal?

GK:  What about me? 

(COUGAR CRY)

(ORGAN)

TR (ANNC):  And that’s all the time we have for Kyle McDougal, Veterinary Urologist, brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products. 

(ORGAN OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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