September 25, 2010
Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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Bugs

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(CHORDS)
GK: Nobody is talking about it because it's not the sort of thing people talk about. But it's on everyone’s mind. And I think you know what I'm talking about. Talking about bedbugs. (SKITTERING FLURRY) Yes, bedbugs. There's an epidemic going on. People pick them up in hotel rooms, even expensive ones. Rich people get bedbugs, same as anyone else. And yet the moment people hear about your bedbugs, they assume your house is filthy and you sleep with your dogs and you live on potato chips and pork rinds.

PD (SINGS, PLAYS):

Woke up this morning, I was itching my head
Bites on my arms and my legs were red
Saw dead bugs on my bedspread
I got the bedbug blues.

GK: You were an Episcopalian family and your kids go to St. Andrew’s Prep but then the school calls up one day.

TR: We're asking your boys to stay home today, Mrs. Apthorp.

SS: But why?

TR: I think you know why.

SS: Please don’t do this to us. Please-----

GK: So you have to call in an exterminator. A big truck with a picture of a cockroach parks in your driveway. Guys with face masks come in and fumigate.

(FUMIGATION)

GK: Your food tastes of chemicals for weeks thereafter. People unfriend you on Facebook. Old friends turn their backs-----

SS: Oh, by the way, that dinner party we’d invited you to on Saturday ---- we had to cancel it. Something came up. Sorry. Let's have lunch sometime. How about in 2012.

GK: So you talk about selling the house and moving. But where? Minneapolis, by the way, is on the list of the Fifteen Worst Bedbug Infested Cities in America. St. Paul is not.

St. Paul, a pleasant river town of educated people who practice good personal hygiene and don't live on pork rinds and potato chips. Maybe it's time you thought about St. Paul.

PD (PLAYS, SINGS):

I am as happy as can be
Here in St. Paul, on the Mississippi
A good place to raise a family
And there ain't no bugs on me

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