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SS (ANNC): THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Coyote Brand Cornstarch.....A long day in the saddle, but you can keep your underwear from bunching up by sprinkling it with Coyote Brand corn starch. And now today's adventure. (MUSIC)
(HORSE'S HOOVES, WHINNIES)
GK: St. Paul, Minnesota, dead ahead, Dusty. Oughta be there by sundown. Looks like the river is running high.
TR: Hoping to get high myself. Find a seat in a saloon and form false friendships with attractive women.
GK: You do what you want, I am gonna find me a bookstore. Find some literary fiction that's got no guns or horses in it and hang around reading it and wait for women to walk over and strike up a conversation. Maybe we go out for lunch and I regale her with humorous anecdotes of the trail and she invites me to her apartment and she looks up at me with her eyes closed and her lips pursed and I kiss her and then we go to a minister for pre-marital counseling and we pick out a nice bedroom suite.
TR: Ha! You're never gonna do that.
GK: I might.
TR: Ha! you don't care to be tied down any more than I do. Have people telling you what to do. Out here on the prairie, if I want to pull out my pistol and shoot it into the air I just go right ahead and do it. (THREE GUNSHOTS) In St. Paul, if you wanted to do that, you'd have to file an environmental impact study showing that there was no chance the bullets might fall to earth and cause harm to a living plant!
GK: Well, you get to my age and the thrill of shooting a gun in the air has pretty much worn off. What's this up ahead?
TR: Looks like a woman standing by a cow stanchion. Or a doorframe.
GK: Not a stanchion. It's a metal detector. Whoa. Whoa. (HORSE WHINNIES) Easy. (TR WHOAING) Afternoon, ma'am.
SS: You gentlemen mind dismounting and putting your saddlebags and your gunbelts on the conveyor belt here? I'm going to run them through the scanner.
TR: What for?
SS: Just checking everybody who comes down the trail, sir.
GK: What good is this supposed to do? Anybody who wants to get into St. Paul can just go around through the woods.
SS: I don't make the rules, sir. It's just a random check.
TR: Well, before I go through that metal detector, you're going to have to put a ring through my nose and burn a brand on my hide and lasso me and drag me through.
SS: I'm calling my supervisor, mister. GERALDINE!!!!
(SLOW WALK ACROSS GROUND AND STOP)
JS: (SLOWLY) What seems to be the problem?
GK: My pardner here, ma'am, was just engaging in a little repartee with your agent and discussing various personal options and now he's preparing to do as told and put his gun and his saddlebag on the conveyor. Aren't you. Just say yes.
JS: I like a little stubbornness in a man. You two are cowboys, aren't you----
TR: Trying to be.
JS: I saw a study the other day that said cowboys are statistically happier and healthier than people in full-time jobs. (PAUSE) Let them through, Ruthie.
SS: Let 'em go through??
JS: I'm going to frisk em myself.
TR (PAUSE): You know, I think I'm gonna go through that there metal detector.
JS: What about you, tall man?
GK: You can call me Lefty. I think maybe frisking is a good idea. I might've stuck a bomb in my pocket by accident and ---- Oh---- goodness -----
JS: No bombs in your pocket, honey. How about your pantlegs?
GK: Oh. Wow. Oh my. Gosh. ---- Whoa. Whoa.
JS: No bombs in your pantlegs either. How about the seat of your pants?
GK: Aiyiyi. Ohhhhh. Oh my goodness. Whoa. Yeah. Hmmm.
JS: I hate to say it but it looks like you are harmless, mister.
GK: I wouldn't go that far, ma'am.
JS: You ever have a woman join you on the trail as a partner?
TR: It ain't never been done, no-----
JS: Cause I'd like a taste of the cowboy life. Be a free spirit. Spread my bedroll out by the campfire and pass the beans and swap stories and sing cowboy songs....
GK: You sing cowboy songs?
TR: Oh boy, here we go.
JS: Do I sing cowboy songs!!! Ha. (STRUMS)
When the new day is dawning I wake up a yawning,
Drinking my coffee strong;
Make my bed in a roll, down the trail I will stroll
Singing this old cattle call.
(JS & GK HARMONY YODEL)
I ride in the sun till the days work is done
And I round up the cattle each fall.
I'm brown as a berry from riding the prairie
And I sing when I come to St. Paul.
(JS & GK HARMONY YODEL)
AS: Hey, I thought I heard some yodeling-----
JS: Why it's the schoolmarm, Miss Madeline.
AS: Who are these saddle tramps, Geraldine? They look like they been ridden hard and put up wet.
JS: That one over there is kind of surly but this one has got a nice butt.
AS: I can see that.
He rides and he shoots with his nice pair of glutes
And he heads down to the dance hall.
With a big glass of booze he’s dancing with floozies
As they sing their cattle call.
(AS, JS, GK THREE-PART YODEL)
These high-tone ladies who sing yodeladies
Fascinate me as they enthrall
Like those mermaid missies who sang to Ulysses
Their beautiful siren call.
(FOUR PART YODEL)
JS: So what do you say? You need a couple of strong women to help you drive cattle?
TR: The cattle pretty much drive themselves, ma'am. Main problem out on the trail is sheer boredom.
JS: I think I could relieve some of that boredom.
GK: There've been cowboys who suddenly went berserk and ran off screaming and waving their arms.
JS: I've had that effect on men sometimes.
SS: You going with these guys, Geraldine?
JS: Thinking about it. Two men, one woman: I like those odds.
(SINGS) Long time I've been single and I want to mingle
With men I can hug and kiss.
I'm no prima donna but I know I want a
Man who will sing me like this.
TR: She was some woman, Geraldine.
GK: She was all set to come on the trail with us and then she tried out sleeping on the ground and changed her mind.
TR: Yeah, if you can't enjoy misery, you've got no business being a cowboy.
GK: Let's go. (GIDDYUPS, WHOOPS, HORSE HOOVES)
(THEME)SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Coyote Brand Cornstarch. Sprinkle some in your shorts and see if it doesn't make you feel a lot better.