October 9, 2010
Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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Bob

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(THEME)

TR: And now Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of fine automotive products brings you another episode in THE STORY OF BOB, A YOUNG ARTIST......As we take you to the modest green frame house on Maple Street in Hubbard Falls, the City on the Move...... (FADE)

(SILVERWARE ON DISHES, THREE PEOPLE EATING) 

SS: You care for another helping of cheesy doodles, Bob?

GK: No thanks, Berniece. I'm trying to cut down.

SS: You care for more, Pops?

TR (POPS): I'll take a rain check. My colon seems to be backing up on me today.

SS: I'm heading downtown --- you want me to pick you up a laxative?

TR (POPS): No, I need something to plug me up. Got a bad case of the trots. Had it all night. No end to it. Up and down, up and down.

GK: Would you mind not discussing your bowels? I'm eating.
TR (POPS): Well, stop eating. Thought you were trying to cut down.

GK: This family is so focused on the lower digestive tract.

SS: Speaking of which, how's your constipation, Bob? 

GK: You know, Berniece, I'm trying to work on this performance piece for the Hubbard Falls Museum of Art, and it's very distracting to

TR (POPS): You need extraction----

SS:  No, Pops----

TR (POPS): He's that constipated, he needs to have it extracted???  Glad we don't have that problem, huh, Rex? (DOG PANTS, THUMPS, JINGLES) Rex stays regular by eating Jujubes. And they turn his poop all different colors. 

SS: Go ahead, finish this up, Bob ---- I hate to throw it away.

GK: I'm not hungry, Berniece. Especialy not after all of this-----

SS:  Well, you will be later, so eat it now. -----

GK:  Eat now so you won't be hungry later?? Does that make sense, Berniece.

SS:  I'm only trying to be helpful, Bob----

GK:  And I'm putting together this sound collage for the performance piece----

TR (POPS): A little late for college, isn't it? You're 45 years old. Right, Rex? (DOG PANTING, THUMPING, COLLAR JINGLES)

GK: I said Collage. Not college. Collage.

TR (POPS): What's that?

GK: It's a random arrangement of environmental sounds that accompanies my performance piece entitled "Living Still Life"--

SS: And what is that all about, Bob?

GK: It's me sitting in a chair without moving in the middle of the gallery as people pass by.

SS: Well, isn't that interesting...

TR (POPS): Now you've found something you can really excel at, Buddy Boy. Not moving. You got that one down. (DOORBELL)

GK: Oh my gosh. It's probably Mrs. DeWillers from the arts council!!! I’ve got to go put on a suit. (DOORBELL) Answer the door, Berniece, but don't invite her into the kitchen.

SS: Oh, Bob---- it's only Arvid come over to fix the furnace. (DOOR OPEN) Hi, Arvid. Come in.

TK: Thanks. (DOOR CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS) Hi, Berniece. Pops. Hi, Bob.

GK: Hi.

TK: So what's going on with the furnace?

SS: Well, it's been getting cold at night, and I just haven't heard the furnace come on at all, have you, Pops?

TR (POPS): Heard what?

SS: The furnace!

TK: Where is the furnace, Berniece? In the basement?

SS: No, we don't have a basement. Never had a need for one. 

TR (POPS): It's over there by the stacks of magazine, ain't it.

SS: No, that's the water heater.

TK: How about here? (MOVES SOME JUNK) Nope, that's your shower stall. How about in here? (FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN) Oh, that's your studio.

GK: Right. That's my studio. And now if you'll excuse me, I've got to work on my sound collage.

TK: You got a furnace in there?

GK: I have no idea.

TK: You feel hot air?

TR (POPS): All the hot air around here comes out of Mr. Big Pants there. 

TK: How about there in the corner?

GK: That's a sculpture I'm working on, it's called Reincarnation.

TK: Oh. You don't know where the furnace is?

GK: I have no idea. I'm going in my studio, Berniece. But if Mrs. DeWillers calls, let me know, okay?

SS: Of course.

GK: It's extremely important. I need this success, Berniece. After my cantata went down the toilet, I need "Living Still Life" to let people know that I'm still around and working.

TR (POPS): Excuse me. Gotta get to the biffy.

GK: Well, no need to push, Pops. (BARKS)

TR (POPS): I am about to have an accident in my pants. Outta the way. (DOOR SLAM. STING, BRIDGE)

GK: This sound collage is crucial to the whole thing. Fifteen seconds long and it's on a continuous loop, and I just want it to suggest the continuity of life. (CLICK)

FOUR BASS NOTES
OWL
TRUCK PASSING
VIOLIN SKRITCHES VERY LIGHT, 7 NOTES
MEOW
7 DRIPS
PIANO CHORD, LOW, SUSTAINED

GK: I don't know. Those drips just aren't doing it for me.
(TAPE REWIND)

FOUR BASS NOTES
OWL
TRUCK PASSING
VIOLIN SKRITCHES
MEOW
TOILET FLUSH
PIANO CHORD, LOW, SUSTAINED

(REWIND)

GK: It just doesn't have the feeling I want. Maybe if I try thi...

FOUR BASS NOTES
OWL
TRUCK PASSING
VIOLIN PIZZ VERY LIGHT, 7 NOTES
MEOW
PIANO CHORD, LOW, SUSTAINED
CHINESE GONG

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

GK: WHAT??? (DOOR OPEN) I'm busy in here, Arvid.

TK: Sorry, but I think the furnace is in here. I feel heat.

GK: I would have no idea, Arvid.

TK: Aren't you curious?

GK: Arvid, I am an artist. My curiosity extends far beyond plumbing and heating. I'm working on a sound collage, if you don't mind.

(FURNACE STARTING UP)

GK: What is that?

TK: Your furnace.

GK: It's perfect. Do it again.

TK: Do what?

GK: Start it up.

TK: It's already going.

GK: Shut it down and start it up. I love that.

TK: Okay. Whatever. (FURNACE STOPPING, WITH A WHEEZE)

GK: Go.
(FURNACE STARTING UP) Cut. Beautiful. Thanks.

TK: No problem. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)

GK: Okay, let's see what we have here. (TAPE REWIND)
FOUR BASS NOTES
OWL
TRUCK PASSING
VIOLIN PIZZ VERY LIGHT, 7 NOTES
MEOW
PIANO CHORD, LOW, SUSTAINED
TK: No problem.
CHINESE GONG

GK: I love it. It's better than the furnace. Wow. That's my title for the piece. No Problem. I love it. I love it. (PHONE) It's her. Mrs. DeWillers. Have to let it ring. Don't want to betray overeagerness. (PHONE RING) Be cool. You're the artist, she is only management. She has the money. She needs you. Needs you more than you need her. (PHONE RING, PICK UP) Yes? Hello?

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE): Bob? It's Mrs. DeWillers.

GK: Yes. What a surprise.

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE):
Did I call at a bad time?
I know how busy you are.....

GK: I've decided to entitle "No Problem". Instead of "Living Still Life." It's the same concept, but I have a whole new slant on it now. I'm very excited about it. I can't wait to come down to the art center and install it.

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE): Bob?

GK: Yes.

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE): I don't know how to say this, Bob

GK: Say what, Mrs DeWillers? 

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE): We decided to go in a different direction, Bob.

GK: Oh. Wouldn't you like to hear the sound collage I made?

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE): We're going to do a piece of environmental art.

GK: Well, mine IS environmental art----

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE): We found this wonderful artist from Minneapolis who works in dry leaves.

GK: I can work in dry leaves. You want leaves in my still life, I can give you leaves.

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE): She fills up the entire gallery with dry leaves and you walk through it and it's so sensual and there's this incredible texture...the colors……

GK: Minneapolis, huh? So it's the curse of the local artist. You always assume that somebody from far away is more gifted...

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE): It's not that, Bob. It's just that the idea of you sitting motionless in a gallery for eight hours a day ----- I mean, we all know you ----- we've known you for years ----- we've seen you sitting before-----

GK: I think there's a whole dramatic integrity to this, though----- it's very intense. You'll see. 

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE): It just seems so static.

GK: You want me to move, I can move. I really wish you'd listen to the sound collage.

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE): I'm sorry.

GK: Uh huh.

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE): I hope you can come to the opening of the leaves piece.

GK: Oh. What's it called?

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE): It's called "Flow Chart Dimension 716"

GK: You liked the title, didn't you. I shouldn't have called mine "No Problem" ---- I should've called it Angular Collage Transformation.

SS (MRS. DEWILLERS, ON PHONE): Nice talking to you, Bob. (BRIDGE)

GK: (SLOW PACING FOOTSTEPS) Why do I go on? Nobody cares. Nobody. I am unemployed, living with family, overweight thanks to cheesy noodles......I'm depressed. What a loser I am. What a zero. ---- Time to put on my inspirational tape. (CLICK)

TR (ON TAPE): Today is only a way station on the road to tomorrow. Onward we go, and the road goes up and up and up to success and happiness that we can hardly imagine. We sleep, we dream, and we push forward. Every day we choose----whether to surrender to blind despair----- or to push forward---- toward a brighter tomorrow that our eyes cannot see.....but it is there, waiting just beyond the sunrise, a tomorrow bright with promise. As long as you believe in yourself. You can make it. You will make it. (ORGAN UP)

GK: I can make it. I will make it.

TR (ON TAPE): But that performance piece was really dopy so don't try that again.
GK: What????

TR (ON TAPE): It was dumb. Get a grip on yourself. Don't be an idiot.

GK: What kind of inspirational tape are you?

TR (ON TAPE): I'm doing my best but I gotta be honest too. (BRIDGE)(

SS (BERNIECE): You've been quiet as a mouse in your studio, Bob. Didn't hear a peep out of you.

GK: I'm working on a play, Berniece.

SS: I see. What's it about?

TR (POPS): Is it about sex?

GK: No, it's about rebirth, Pops.

TR (POPS): Oughta get some sex into it. Nudity!!! It's what people want to see!! You put a naked woman in it, we can all clear out of this dump and move to Tempe, Arizona.

GK: It's a religious play, Pops.

TR (POPS): Religious people are naked, too.

GK: Don't yell at me with food in your mouth, okay?

TR (POPS): You put religion in it, and that gives religious people an excuse to come see nudity.

GK: I don't think so.

SS: You need to eat more, Bob. How about some more broccoli au gratin?

 (THEME)

TR (ANNC): THE STORY OF BOB, A YOUNG ARTIST....was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products.

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