October 30, 2010
Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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Cowboys

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(WESTERN THEME, AND FADE FOR.....)

SS (ANNC): THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Chuck Wagon Cornstarch.....If you suffer from irritability out on the trail, always complaining and taking the dark view of situations, the problem may be your underwear. Keep it from bunching up by sprinkling it with Chuck Wagon corn starch. And now here's today's exciting cowboy adventure (MUSIC)

(HORSE HOOVES, WALKING. WAGON CREAKING) 

GK: Here we are, back in Hopeful Springs, Dusty. Remember: act natural.

TR: Got it. Act natural.

GK: But not too natural. Not unnaturally natural.

TR: Just regular natural. Gotcha.

GK: And don't look like you know something you don't want anybody else to know. Get that secretive look off your face.

TR: Right.

GK: Our horses are gonna be happy to get to the livery stable.

TR: Not used to pulling a wagon, neither of them.

GK: Well, I wasn't about to leave any of that gold behind.

TR: SHHHHHHH! Careful!!!!!! People hear the word "gold" and they'll go crazy. 

GK: Okay, now let's go over the plan again. Whoa, whoa---- (HORSES WHINNY, STOP). We leave the wagon at the livery stable like it was nothing...

TR: Right. Nothing.

GK: It;s just a wagon full of bags of dirt.

TR: Bags of dirt. Twenty of 'em.

GK: We take a little handful of the gold to the assay office and have it assessed, and meanwhile we get a room at the hotel...

TR: A cheap room. Nothing fancy.

GK: And my true love Evelyn Beebalo meets us there. And we sell the gold to the assay, and ---- my hands are shaking, Dusty.

TR: Take a deep breath.

GK: I'm trying. All those years of poverty, wandering back and forth on the godforsaken plains, and then we run into an old prospector who's dying and he tells us to look in that cave and...

TR: It was nice of you to sing to him as he lay dying.

GK: Go to sleep, you weary miner. ------I believe we are pulling about 100 million dollars worth of gold, Dusty. (HE TALKS, HAND OVER MOUTH)

TR: Don't say that word again, pardner.

GK: Sorry. Let's head for the livery stable. Gidddup. (HORSES' HOOVES, WAGON CREAK)

TR: And then the saloon for a glass of hooch.

GK: And soon as we sell the----

TR: Dirt.

GK: Soon as we sell the dirt, we'll fly off to that house in Jamaica that we're going to buy.

TR: Jamaica----- (HE GOES INTO A TRANCE) Jamaica----- Jamaica----- (BONGO DRUMS, SOFTLY)

SS (NATIVE WOMAN): Come handsome man with missing front teeth, Wani-hana-ma-lulu want to make you very very happy. I dance for you the pogo-pogo, I sing to you, I blow in your ear. (POOF, SQUEAL)

(BRIDGE, TIME PASSAGE)

GK: Remember, Dusty. (FOOTSTEPS)

TK: Howdy there. I'm the mayor of Hopeful Springs and also the owner of this here saloon, the Golden Nugget.

GK: Uh huh. Interesting name.

TK: You boys planning to settle down here?

TR: I'm afraid we couldn't afford to. We ain't got but a handful of loose change between us.

TK: Well, Hopeful Springs is on the move. Got some of that federal stimulus money and we're about to pave our main street. Stead of a dustpile, we'll have us a nice new concrete roadway. Stick around. Things are looking up. You'll see.

RSKAGGS (PREACHING): There is no new thing under the sun. That which has been is that which shall be. Those who have much shall have less and the tall trees shall blow down in the storm. And so it goes.

GK: Who's he?

TK: They call him the Preacher. Some people think he speaks wisdom and other people think he was out in the sun too long. I haven't made up my mind yet.

RSKAGGS: There is a time to come, and a time to go; a time to weep, and a time to blow your nose and go back to work; a time to play music, and a time to stop playing and get in tune. Amen.

GK: Thanks for the thought----

SS (DORIS): So what can I get you fellows? Glass of whiskey?

TR: Gimme a glass of your cheapest rotgut.

SS (DORIS): What were you thinking of spending?

GK: We're broke.

TR: Maybe a dollar.

GK: That's all we've got.

TR: All we ever expect to have.

GK: Times are hard.

SS (DORIS): Okay, okay. One glass of paint thinner coming up.

(FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

RSKAGGS: He that hath a thing shall lose it, and he that has lost all shall find something more precious. So saith Scripture.

GK: You don't suppose he knows about the----- about the dirt?

TR: How could he know?

GK: Some people just do.

SS: Here's your whiskey.

GK: A sarsaparilla for me, ma'am. Something for you, Preacher?

RSKAGGS: Count not up for yourselves great riches, for all that ye have is from the Lord, who also taketh away. And behold I say unto you------ behold I say unto you------ I say unto you-------

GK: Say unto us what?

RSKAGGS: Forgot what it was.

GK: Was it something like "And they who have spent years riding up and down the dusty trail in pure abject misery, they shall be rewarded for it"?

RSKAGGS: I don't think so.

GK: Was it "Blessed are those who criss-cross the desert for lousy pay, for they shall have a wonderful surprise"?

RSKAGGS: That doesn't sound right.

GK: Well, it sounds good to me. This guy is making me very uneasy. I'm gonna go check on our----- dirt bags------

TR: No, sir. You go out there looking at the wagon and people are gonna get suspicious. Think about tomorrow, Lefty. We're gonna walk out of this town with 100 million (CONTINUES, HAND OVER MOUTH)-----

GK: Mum's the word. Shhhhh. But you're right. Tomorrow we're on a plane to Jamaica. A black Cadillac meets us at the airport. We go to the villa. There's the pool. There's our two cottages. The grass tennis court. The servants in white with trays of delicacies. Shrimp and scallops and little bits of raw tuna and beef with scallions... 

TR: Yes. O yes yes yes……

SS (NATIVE, REVERB): Come, beautiful white person, let Wani-hana-ma-lulu weave the sacred hibiscus into your combover. Let me rub the sacred oil on your leathery skin.

TR: Thank you, darling.

SS (NATIVE, REVERB): I will make for you a drink from the coconut that will make you feel good and then I will give you bath.

TR: Yes, yes...

RSKAGGS: For the Lord hath seen what He hath seen, and that which He hath done is that which He shall do, and there are no secrets from him.

GK: No secrets...he knows.

TR: Take it easy.

GK: We just left one hundred million dollars sitting in bags in a wagon. How am I supposed to take it easy??

TR: It's safe.

(FOOTSTEPS)

GK: Evelyn!

HM: Hi Lefty-----

GK: It's so good to see you...

HM: I missed you, Lefty.

GK: I missed you, baby, and I came back for you. I'm never going to leave you again.

HM: Oh Lefty...

GK:  We're going to leave this dusty tank-town and go far away from here to an island where the coral surf gently laps against the diamond white sand and we're going to ---- (FOOTSTEPS MARCH IN) dine on fresh seafood in the shade of the banyan tree...

TK: Well, boys, you missed the excitement. Finished up the paving project and now we're just gonna wait for the concrete to dry and Hopeful Springs'll be a first-class town. Oh by the way, thanks for hauling in the sand.

GK: What sand?

TK: That wagonload of sand you brought in. What do we owe you?

TR: That wasn't sand.

TK: Well, it is now.

GK: You mean, you----

TK: Best sand I ever saw. Got a nice color to it.

TR: Those bags that were in the wagon?

GK: You can't take that, mister. Tell me you didn't take it. Say it ain't so.

TK: Mixed it in with the cement and gravel, and it was just enough to pave the whole two blocks. Ordinarily we'd pay ten bucks a bag and I'll tell you what---- we'll pay you twenty and toss in fifty bucks for cartage. Four hundred fifty bucks. What do you say?

SS (DORIS): What's wrong, boys?

TK: Guess they ain't seen that much money in awhile.

SS (DORIS): My, my, they are stunned.

TK: Nice to be able to make somebody so happy they are speechless.

HM: Tell me more about the island, Lefty. The fresh seafood in the shade of the banyan tree----- tell me how it's going to be...

RSKAGGS: And lo I say unto you, that the race is not to the swift; nor fame and fortune to men of talent; and those to whom much is given, great shall be the loss thereof. Amen.

TR: Okay, okay, we get the point. ------ Come on, Lefty. Let's get the horses and ride.

HM: I thought you were going to stay, Lefty.

TR: Can't sit here crying over spilt milk. Head back down the trail ---- maybe we can locate that old prospector's cabin. Come on. ----

HM: Say something, Lefty. What’s wrong?

TR: You know, that street does look really pretty, paved. Got a nice shine to it.

(THEME)

SS: The Lives of the Cowboys...brought to you by Baking Soda On Your Fingertip. Why spend money on a toothbrush when you have one right in your hand with BAKING SODA ON YOUR FINGERTIP.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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