October 30, 2010
Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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Monster

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(SPOOK MUSIC)

GK: Halloween is a time when spirits are free to walk the earth so if you walk after dark you are likely to run into some surprising people (TR REAGAN: I am still convinced that most air pollution is caused by trees and that's why I'm out here in the woods. I am here to help.) Yes, you never know who you might run into on these dark fall nights (TR (REAGAN): Well, there you go again.)

GK: And of course monsters are walking the earth too or flying over the earth (SS WITCH CRY) like this witch ----

SS (WITCH): They're requiring seat belts and air bags on these brooms now. And by law we have to list the ingredients in the witches' brew. (BUBBLING, STEAM) Boiled Toad, Eye of Newt, Lizard's leg, Root of Hemlock, Calcium benzoate, monosodium glutamate, and tongue of snake.

GK: Many monsters are simply in search of health care. They flock to emergency rooms on Halloween.

SS: Yes? May I help you?

TR (VAMPIRE): I need a blood transfusion.

SS: May I ask what for?

TR (VAMPIRE): For dinner! I am hungry. And I have these ugly fangs. Do you have a dentist on duty?

SS: We have oral surgeons on call, yes----- is this an emergency?

TR (VAMPIRE): In about an hour it's going to be a big big emergency. (HE HOWLS)

SS: I'm sorry, you'll have to keep your voice down.

TR (VAMPIRE): I am so sorry. (HE HOWLS A SMALL HOWL) (BRIDGE)

GK: It's the one night of the year when monsters can move freely and get the care they need. Werewolves are flocking to beauty salons.

SS: I've never done a facial wax job before, so I'm really really sorry if this hurts.

TK (WEREWOLF): (GRUNTING)

SS: Oh wow. You have hair on your forehead and all over the back of your neck and everything. I better put more wax on. (SQUORTS) (TK WEREWOLF REACTIONS) You look so much like that nice man whose hair I cut just the other day. (TK WHINES) You are? Really? Oh gosh. And now look at you. Hair all over your entire face. Okay. You ready? (TK WEREWOLF GRUNTS) This is going to hurt. Okay? All set? (TK GRUNTS) You want me to do it all in one rip or in a series of little rips? (TK MOAN) Okay. Here we go. One two three------ (BIG RIP, TK SCREAM)

(STING) 

GK: Monsters face some of the same problems that you and I face, and getting affordable health care is one of them.

TK (ZOMBIE MOAN)

TR: I'm Dr. Pomfret, Mister---- Mister-----

TK (ZOMBIE GRUNT)

TR: Okay. Good to meet you. We've done a complete M.R.I., Mr. Grunt and what we find is that your body is decaying rotting flesh, your face is coming apart and what appears to be brain matter is leaking out---- (TK GRUNT)---- No, it's a little late for Botox ------No, no, don't do that, sir---- please (BIG SQUORT----- okay, there you just pulled your arm out of your socket----- why did you do that? (TK GRUNT)----- that doesn't help anything, does it? Hey---- (BIG RIP, SQUORTS) and now you've pulled half of your face off. Do you think that is attractive? (TK GRUNT) You think someone's going to hire you, looking like that? Huh? I don't think so. Let me ask you: have you been near hazardous waste? (TK GRUNT NO) Have you come in contact with alien beings? (TK GRUNT NO) Have you been watching more than four hours of television a day? (TK GRUNT UNCERTAINTY, THEN NO) What I'm going to do, Mr. Grunt is suction out your entire brain and then see if that doesn't help? Okay. (TK GRUNT) Okay. Here we go. (BIG SUCTION, CHUNKS, SQUORTS) Okay. Brain matter is entirely cleaned out.

TK: Boy, that was a weird feeling. Wow.

TR: I can imagine.

TK: So how is it possible for me to talk without any sort of a brain?

TR: It's an election year.

TK: Oh. Right.

TR: Now I'm going to try to kill the zombie virus by sending a hundred thousand volts of electricity through your body. Ready?

TK: Is this going to hurt?

TR: You'll feel a tingling sensation and some heat and you may smell smoke.

TK: Okay. (BIG ELECTRICAL SHOCK WAVE, THEN ANOTHER, THEN ANOTHER)

TR: Okay. All done. How are we doing?

TK: Good.

TR: You feel better?

TK: Much better. What do I look like?

TR: We'll have to do a face transplant. Skin graft. And an arm replacement.

TK: How much is that going to cost?

TR: Well, your health insurance does not cover zombie-related procedures so your bill is going to come to $225,575.

TK: What???? How can that be? That's outrageous. Impossible. Horrible. (HIS VOICE BEGINS TO SLIDE BACK INTO ZOMBIEHOOD) How can you do that? Why? Why? Why?

(TK ZOMBIE GROANS) 

(BRIDGE)

GK: We tend to stereotype monsters and think of them as aliens utterly unlike ourselves but in fact we have a great deal in common with them.

SS (ZOMBIE): Chocolate. I need chocolate.

GK: When monsters come to your home Sunday night, be generous.

TR (VAMPIRE): Licorice. Red licorice.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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