October 30, 2010
Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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Guy Noir

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(THEME)

TR: (ANNC):  A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets.  But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was October in St. Paul and it had been a beautiful fall, golden and warm and blue skies and all, and then a powerful wind came up (WIND RATTLES WINDOWS) and it blew away the flock of pigeons outside my window (SFX) and when I opened the window it blew so hard (SFX) it blew down the bronze statuette I received as Sleuth of the Year, 1978 (BWANG BWANG BWANG) and it blew the Atwater Kent radio off my desk right in the middle of "Midday Melody Time" with Wally Olson And His Band (SAX PLAYING, THEN SLIDE, AND WOOD CRUNCH, MUSIC STOP) and in blew a pale green envelope with a letter inside written in fountain pen...(SS WHISPER: My darling, my dearest, I sit here in Paris longing for you and dreaming of the day when you will again take me in your arms...FADE) ...a letter that alas was not for me. I tossed it out the window and closed it. (WINDOW CLOSING) (PHONE RING) Even before I picked up the phone, I knew I was going to take the case. (PHONE RING)...

GK: ...I was desperate. Even if it was a lost cat or somebody trying to locate their car keys, I was going to take it. (PHONE RING) Even if it was--- (PICK UP) Yeah. Noir here. How can I help?

SS: (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, my name is Helen Heffelfinger and I'm running for Congress and I have been planning a campaign rally for tomorrow at 4 o'clock with former president George W. Bush.

GK: I see.

SS (ON PHONE): It's a very big thing and I haven't gotten confirmation yet of exactly when President Bush will fly in.

GK: I didn't know that President Bush was making campaign appearances. I thought that he was going to sit this one out.

SS (ON PHONE): Well, I've got this rally all lined up for tomorrow at 4 o'clock at the country club and I need to find him so I can figure out when to pick him up at the airport.

(BRIDGE)

GK: She offered me a thousand dollars to find him and it was the easiest money I ever earned. I had located the President's cellphone number in a personals ad in the A.A.R.P. magazine, Twilight Living.

TR: (BUSH): Retired Gentleman in Excellent Health Seeks Friend For Having Lunch With, Brush Cutting, Watching World Series On TV, Exercise, Golf. Conversation. I am Open As To Age & Race But Have One Little Hang-Up. Politics Is a Real Turn-Off. Call Me. Let's Talk.

GK: So I did. Sometimes there's a simple answer. You just pick up a phone and dial the number. (TEN PHONE TONES. FOUR RINGS AT OTHER END, PICK UP)

TR (BUSH): Hel-lo (CHUCKLE) -----

GK: Mr. President. Good to hear your voice.

TR (BUSH): How'd you know it was me? (CHUCKLE)

GK: The song has ended but the melody lingers on.

TR (BUSH): Sounds good. So what can I do to help?

GK: Good question. Good question. Where are you, if I may ask?

TR (BUSH): I'm in Switzerland.

GK: What are you doing in Switzerland, Mr. President?

TR (BUSH): Not much. They don't have much brush to cut in Switzerland. Got me a big chalet here. Tennis court. And I got a big wine cellar which is where I keep my gold. I am heavily invested in gold.

GK: So you're worried about the economy, Mr. President?

TR (BUSH): Yeah, Alan Greenspan told me to hustle my butt over here and so I sold the ranch and I am invested in gold ingots. And fine art. Hey, did you know that Switzerland was named after Carl Switzer, the kid who played Alfalfa in the Our Gang movies? Not many people know that.

GK: That is true, not many people do know that. Probably no more than five or ten. But why Switzerland?

TR (BUSH): Health care. Everybody in Switzerland has health insurance and if you can't afford it, then the government subsidizes it.

GK: I think that's what they were trying to do in this country.

TR (BUSH): You mean Obama?

GK: Right.

TR (BUSH): Well, I don't think it'd work in America because it's a socialist system but it works okay in Switzerland because they're used to that.

GK: I suppose not. So life is good there in Switzerland?

TR (BUSH): Couldn't be better. Do my workout every morning. Take my French lesson. Lie down for a nap. Like to lie there and just think. Or not think. Sometimes both.

GK: So how's your memoir coming, Mr. President?

TR (BUSH): I don't know. I know they're working on it and I think it's supposed to be out this fall or next fall, I'm not sure.

GK: Okay. You didn't agree to do a campaign rally for a Mrs. Heffelfinger running for Congress, did you?

TR (BUSH): Campaign rally? You got an election going on?

GK: Yes, sir.

TR (BUSH): So how's it going?

GK: You don't read the papers?

TR (BUSH): Never did before, so why start now? They're not talking about me, are they? ----- candidates and so forth----

GK: The Republican ones aren't. No. Not at all.

TR (BUSH). Glad to hear it. Or as we say in French: (BUSH FRENCH)

GK: What does that mean?

TR (BUSH): Kind of hard to translate, but it's sort of like ---- "The more you tell me what happened, the less I remember."

GK: So where in Switzerland are you, sir?

TR (BUSH): Zurich.

GK:  And you're learning French?

TR (BUSH): Oui oui. (BUSH FRENCH)

GK: But Zurich is German speaking.

TR (BUSH): You sure about that?

GK: Yeah. German is the official language of 2/3 of Switzerland.

TR (BUSH): Huh. Well, no wonder they look at me sorta funny.

GK: I think maybe English would work better for you, Mr. President.

TR (BUSH): I don't know. I had a lot of problems with English.

GK: I'm aware, but maybe you should give it another shot.

TR (BUSH): How about Italian? (BUSH ITALIAN) That's Italian for "we're going to bring these evil-doers to justice." Sounds better in Italian, don't you think?

GK: Okay, well, you take care of yourself, Mr. President.

TR (BUSH):  No problemo. Got that one covered. Say hi to everybody.

GK: Okay, I will.

TR (BUSH): Tell them I did my best.

GK: We're aware of that, sir. (BRIDGE)

SS: So he's not able to attend my campaign rally? Why not?

GK: He's a busy man, Mrs. Heffelfinger.

TR (CHENEY): But I'd be happy to come and speak at the rally. And the fact is, I'd be a better choice.

GK: Mr. Cheney?

TR (CHENEY): I'm all set to go. Locked and loaded. Give me a location and a T.O.A. and I am there. 

GK: What are you doing in this phone call, Mr. Vice-President?

TR (CHENEY): In the face of the threat that we face now, decisive action is required.

GK: And you've tapped my phone?

TR (CHENEY): The fact of the matter is, extreme dangers require extraordinary means.

GK: But you're no longer in office, sir.

TR (CHENEY): My duty to the Republic did not end with my leaving Washington, it only began. I am prepared to face my responsibilities and to do whatever it takes to defend----- (CLICK)

GK: It’s hard times for the old private eye. Winter’s coming and the landlord is at the door. My girlfriend Sugar is gone off somewhere, she didn’t say where, and the mice have chewed the wiring in my car and the old hernia is acting up, but, as the saying goes, Hope springs eternal in the human breast even as November comes to the Midwest. 

(BRIDGE)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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