Saint Augustine Amphitheater
St. Augustine, Florida«archive page
TR (ANNC): And now, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow family of automotive products brings you: Stanley Peterson Swamp Surgeon.
(VENTILATOR BREATHING, CLINK OF TOOLS)
GK: There it is, Maureen---- see ---- where the cartilage is all worn through in the gator's hip joint ---- give me the titanium joint, Maureen. The six-inch. I'm going to go in through the gluteus minimus and remove the krainis from the femur...
SS: Just a moment, Dr. Peterson. I'm trying to get the face mask a little tighter. It isn't really shaped for a gator's muzzle.
GK: Take your time.
SS: We seem to be losing some of the anesthesia-----
GK: Well, we need him completely under, Maureen. Replacing the hip is going to be painful, even using minimally invasive techniques.
SS: Here you go doctor. The titanium joint. (CLINKS OF INSTRUMENTS, GATOR MOAN)
GK: This is going to be very delicate, Maureen. Just make sure the gator stays asleep.
SS: I am doing my best, Dr. Peterson.
GK: Antiseptic please, Maureen. I know you're doing your best. I just don't want to cause this animal any unnecessary pain.
SS: The gator is not the only one experiencing pain, Dr. Peterson. There are many kinds of pain. A bad hip is one. I could mention others. The pain of a longing heart. A woman in love with a man oblivious to her very existence.
GK: I'll just turn on my head lamp here (CLICK, OWL HOOT, FLIES OFF). There. I can see the femoral stem ----- I'll put the replacement joint there ---- cement the polyethylene and this guy is going to be quicker than ever. Amazing creature, Maureen. The American alligator, a crocodilian, Alligator alligatoridae, from the Spanish word "el lagarto" which means lizard. A creature that has successfully adapted itself and so survived for 200 million years.
SS: Your knowledge of alligators is so vast, Dr. Peterson. Odd that you are clueless in so many other respects.
GK: I'll just make a small incision here.
SS: I used to date a veterinary podiatrist who trimmed the hooves of deer. I miss him. Somehow I wound up in the swamp.
GK: Orthopedic surgery has advanced so far in the past few years ---- now we seek to restore mobility to wild animals so they can escape from man... Make it possible for wild animals to be wild. (INSTRUMENTS CLINK).
SS: Did you ever feel the urge to experience wildness yourself, Dr. Peterson?
GK: I don't know what you mean.
SS: We could find out.
GK: You mean, out in the swamp, with nobody else around.
SS: ---except me. I'd be around. I'd be wild with you.
GK: I'm a swamp surgeon, Maureen. There's a clarity of purpose, a singularity of intent, that's so important in surgery. (SS SIGH, A BEAT) what are you looking at, Maureen?
SS (BREATHLESS): I was just looking at your hands. They're so purposeful. So—steady.
GK: I have to be very accurate in placing this titanium joint, otherwise this gator will walk with a pronounced limp. And I have to reduce the damage to soft tissue. Some surgeons use computer guidance systems, I like to have personal contact with the animal.
SS: I love it when you say "soft tissue". And "personal contact." I love it when you say "animal." Oh doctor-----
GK: What are you doing?
SS: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm holding your hand.
GK: Maureen, there's an alligator here in need of a new hip joint. I need to do surgery. I've got him all anesthetized...
SS: It's not a him. It's a her — look.
GK: Oh, you're right, Maureen.
SS: What else don't you know?
GK: Please, Maureen.
SS: You're doing it wrong, Doctor Peterson. That articular interface doesn't go in there. It goes in there.
GK: You mean the ball and socket----
SS: You've got it turned around.
GK: Oh, you're right. I'm afraid you distracted me.
SS: I'll distract you even more later----- here, let me finish the operation for you. Scraper.
SS: Polyethylene pad.
GK: Here you go.
SS: You were about to attach the gator's leg to her butt, Doctor. Good I stepped in. Lucky for you there's no malpractice liability with alligators.
GK: I'm so embarrassed. A surgeon needing his nurse to do the operation for him.
SS: Happens all the time, Doctor.
GK: How humiliating.
SS: You need me.
GK: Don't tell anybody about this. Promise?
SS: There. All done. Hip replaced. Let's go wash up and get to know each other.
(ORGAN)TR (ANNC): Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow family of automotive products has brought you: Curtis Fernhedge, Wildlife Podiatrist.
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).