November 27, 2010
Cincinnati, Ohio


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Guy Noir

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(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions…..Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UP AND FADE)

GK: It was a fine Thanksgiving, an excellent Thanksgiving,  and I, who one week ago was sunk in the slough of futility, was feeling grateful. Grateful for the day itself.  I had assumed I'd spend the day working ----- there's always work for a detective at the holidays (FN CHERRY: I'm trying to find my big roasting pan, Mr. Noir. Could you come over?), business always picks up this time of year (TR: My wife says I have to sit next to my daughter's boyfriend at dinner, Mr. Noir. Could you find out some stuff about him so I know what not to talk about?) and so I thought I'd be having the Turkey McNuggets and watching a Thanksgiving movie on TV------ (MOVIE SCORE. DOG BARKS. 

SS (CHILD): Daddy! Look! It's Sparky! He followed us!

TR DAD: Why it is. And he's pulling your wagon, sweetheart.

SS MOM: Why------ there's my pecan pie! In the wagon! (WOOF)

TR (BOY): Gosh, Mom and Dad ---- you mean he pulled that wagon all the way to Grandma's house?

SS GRANDMA: Looks like it, Sonny.

TR DAD: Unfortunately he had to hoist the pie into the wagon in his mouth, leaving quite a few teeth marks in it. (WOOFS)

SS GIRL: Ewwwwww. Dog spit on the pecan pie-----

TR DAD: We're going to go ahead and have it for dessert. Otherwise it'll break his heart.

SS CHILD: Want some pecan pie, Gramps?

TR OLD: Do I need to pee where? (MOVIE THEME)

GK: That's what Thanksgiving was going to be, and then out of the blue I was invited to my ex-girlfriend Sugar's parents' house. Sugar has a new boyfriend, Rex, and he'd be there, and it was wonderful. Sugar had said she was never going to speak to me again but she had gotten over it.

SS (SUGAR): Hi, Guy.

GK: Sugar! Hey. It's good to see you, babes. (KISSES)

SS (SUGAR): I'm so glad you could come to Thanksgiving. Even after those ugly things I said to you, Guy.

GK: Aw, short-term memory loss has wiped the slate clean.

SS: So what are you thankful for, Guy?

GK: I donno. Thankful that wrinkles don't hurt, I guess. And I'm thankful for you. That we're still friends.

SS (SUGAR): Oh that is so sweet. ---- Rex, come here----- I want you to meet a friend of mine, Guy.

TR: Hi.

GK: Hi there. Good to see you. Sugar has told me so little about you.

TR: Yeah, I suppose so. So what is it exactly that you do, Guy?

GK: I'm a snoop. A gumshoe. A shamus. I snoop around, I discern truth, and I sell it to the highest bidder.

TR: Interesting. (STING)

GK: Mr. and Mrs. Halvorson were in the kitchen, adding butter to everything. (SQUISH) Basting the turkey (SQUIRT) and whipping the potatoes (BEATER) and adding butter of course (SQUISH, RESUME BEATER). And worrying.

SS (MOM): I don't know what happened with that pie crust. I couldn't get it flaky the way I always do. Look at that. It's not flaky. I don't know if the water was too cold or what---- maybe I used too much butter. Earl likes his crust flaky. Oh---- (CRASH, GLASS BREAKAGE)---- well, that takes care of that.

TR (DAD): You dropped the pie, Myrtle.

SS (MOM): Well, it wasn't good anyway. Say hello to Guy, Earl.  

TR (DAD): Hi there.

GK: Hi, Earl. Good to see you again. Happy thanksgiving.

SS (MOM): Come on in and take a load off, Guy. Tell me what you think of the gravy. Is it too salty? I don't know.

GK: It tastes great.

SS (MOM): It's too salty. Oh well. You cut the turkey, Earl, and we'll put the hay down where the goats can get it.

TR (DAD): What turkey?

SS (MOM): The turkey!!! Oh my gosh. I knew there was something I forgot!

TR (DAD): Where is it?

SS (MOM): Must be in the freezer. Boy, our goose is cooked now. Look at that. (KONKS TURKEY) Frozen solid. Hand me that chainsaw, honey. Thanks. (STARTS CHAINSAW, STARTS CUTTING) It thaws faster if it's cut up, you know. (CHAINSAW REV AND CUT) Tell them dinner's gonna be a little late.

GK: Boy, I've just got to say. Everything sure smells good. (KITCHEN SFX)

SS (MOM): Oh really? You don't think I'm using too much butter?

TR (DAD): It makes it easier to swallow. Otherwise someone's going to get food stuck in their throat and we're going to have to do a tracheotomy with a serrated paring knife and I'd just rather not, okay?

(BRIDGE)

GK: It was Thanksgiving the way it ought to be, and it was fun to watch him and Sugar fight instead of me being personally involved.

SS (SUGAR): I don't know why you don't ever take me anyplace for a vacation.

TR: I do so. We went to South Dakota just last July.

SS (SUGAR): For your uncle's funeral. I don't call that a vacation.

TR: We stayed a couple extra days.

SS (SUGAR): I mean someplace like California. The Caribbean. Why not take me on a cruise or something?

TR: Because all we do is fight. Fight, fight, fight.

SS (SUGAR): How can you say that?

TR: It's true.

SS (SUGAR): We do not fight all the time.

TR: I do everything I can to make you happy and fifteen minutes later you're yelling at me. I don't get it.

SS (SUGAR): We get along fine. We'd get along better if you'd listen to me now and then. It's like I don't even exist sometimes.

TR: I mean, why pay a lot of money to go be miserable in the Caribbean when we can be just as miserable for free right here? I ask you.

SS (SUGAR): Oh why do I bother? How are you, Guy?

GK: Doing fine, sweetheart.

SS (SUGAR): You got somebody new? Huh? Got yourself a girlfriend?

GK: After you, Sugar, what's the point? When you had the best, give it a rest. No, I'm happy just going through my memories.

SS (SUGAR): Awwwww. You're a sweetie pie.

GK: And then I noticed her. Sitting across the table from me.

PP: Hi.

GK: Where'd you come from?

PP: Fargo, North Dakota.

GK: I mean, have you been here all along?

PP: Sitting right here.

GK: She was a Viking goddess, her hair the color of wheat, her eyes cerulean blue. She wore a T-shirt with a map of Norway on the front and you could tell what a mountainous nation it is. Her voice was low and thrilling. She was the sort of beauty who could break a man in two and he might not even notice.

PP: I'm Solveig Swanson, Mr. Noir. My family's in the TV dinner business. 

GK: Aha. So that late-model Lamborghini parked out front----

PP: My car.

GK: So how do you know Sugar?

PP: Let's not bother with history ---- let's cut to the chase ---- I'm here because I want to meet you, Guy. I'm fascinated by you. Mesmerized. I want to take you away from all of this and let's go straight to the airport and board my private jet for sun-splashed Ortega Bay and six weeks on the beach. Clothing optional and I know which option I hope you will take.

GK: This is all so sudden, Miss Swanson.

PP: Solveig. I'm starting a new business, Guy. I want you in it.

GK: What's that?

PP: Weight loss. Americans shell out a trillion dollars a year trying to lose weight and I've found a foolproof method. This is going to make us both very very rich. Which I am already and now you can be too.

GK: We're going to write a book about dieting?

PP: No. Tapeworms. We sell tapeworms. A special breed of tapeworms. You swallow a pill, the worms hatch in your stomach, you eat all you like and you shrink to skin and bones, you take another pill and you crap the worms out.

GK: And it really works?

PP: A year ago I weighed 267. Now I'm a size 2 and I fit into my old cheerleader outfit. You want in, Tall Man?

GK: Do I want in to your old cheerleader outfit?

PP: Maybe so.

GK: Why are you offering me this?

PP: Because I'm wild about you, that's why. You make my heart sing. Ever since I saw you dancing and singing on YouTube, I haven't been the same person. You are my Other, Guy. You're my soulmate. I need you to complete me. Say yes. Just say it. Yes. (BRIDGE)

GK: I wanted in. Big time. And then, you know how it is at Thanksgiving. You get distracted by other things.

SS (MOM): If you put butter on the potatoes, they're not dry. They're okay.

TR (DAD): Boy, this turkey turned out okay for being frozen solid just ten minutes ago. That whole high-oven-temperature idea really works.

SS (SUGAR): How come you're not eating, Rex? What's the problem? 

TR: I donno, I just never cared that much for turkey because when you grow up on a farm and you have to kill the turkey and pluck its feathers and butcher it and rip its insides out, you sort of lose your taste for the whole thing. No, what I like for Thanksgiving is Chinese take-out. When you grow up on a rural route where deliverymen never come on account of the blizzards, you really appreciate the idea of calling a number and half an hour later a guy on a bicycle brings you a package of General Tsao's 7 Joys of Turkey and some Moo Shu mashed potatoes.

(WOOFS)

SS (MOM): HEY, WHO LET THE DOG IN? BOOBOO! BAD DOG.

TR (DAD): DOWN, GIRL! (WOOFING, CRASH OF CHINA)

SS (MOM): Get him down off the table, for crying out loud. (DOG SNARFLING FOOD, CRASHING, GENERAL CONSTERNATION)

GK: The dog was berserk and it took awhile to get him under control and when things quieted down, I looked around and she was gone. Gone. (STING) Where is she?

SS (SUGAR): Where's who?

GK: The girl who was sitting across the table from me.

SS (SUGAR): There was no girl sitting there. That was the dog.

GK: It was a girl named Solveig Swanson.

SS (SUGAR): It was a golden retriever named BooBoo.

GK: She was beautiful. Blonde. She and I were going to fly to Ortega Bay.

SS (SUGAR): Oh boy. Delusional again.

GK: I swear, Sugar. She was there. Right there.

TR (REX): I read this article in the paper where they say there is a connection between dairy products and dementia. It was interesting. I tell you, it made you think twice about butter.

SS (MOM): Okay, who left room for pie?? Let's clear the table and bring on the dessert. Pie for you, Guy?

GK: Sure. Why not? (BRIDGE) She was there for fifteen shining minutes and then gone and who knows why she left? All I know is, she had four helpings of everything and she was skinny as a rail. And she loved me. The love of my life. Gone. But at least I met her. I can be thankful for that. I went home and watched the end of the movie. (MOVIE THEME)

SS: So tell me, Doctor. Do I have cancer?

TR: No, you have a much simpler problem, Mrs. DeVore. Have you been in close contact with an animal? Such as a dog?

SS: Why, yes----- we have a dog-----

TR: Have you ever shared food with the dog?

SS: Oh my gosh----- that pecan pie----- it had dog spit on it.

TR: You have a rare parasite living inside you, Mrs. DeVore. That's why you've lost fifty pounds since November. Your digestive tract is full of tapeworms.

SS: Oh my gosh. What can you do?

TR: Give you a powerful laxative.

SS: I see. And will I gain the weight back?

TR: That's up to you. (MOVIE THEME)  

GK: Solveig Swanson. If you're out there, give me a call. I'm here. I'm waiting for you.

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but there, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions..Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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