December 4, 2010
New York, NY


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Cowboys

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SS: The Lives of the Cowboys, brought to you by Old Chisholm Trail Blazers ----- if you come to town and need to wear a jacket and tie, reach for Old Chisholm Trail Blazers, it's the jacket that holds everything you need with no unsightly bulges. And now the Lives of the Cowboys

(HORSES, TRAFFFIC)

GK: Well, we made it to New York finally, Dusty. I tell you, going through the Lincoln Tunnel on horseback is not for the timid.

TR: Where are we? Manhattan?

GK: Yep.

TR:  How do you know?

GK: Tourists. People walking slowly and looking at things. You don't find that in the Bronx.

TR: Hey look up yonder----- a statue of a man on horseback. Who's that, Tom Mix?

GK: No, sir, that is Theodore Roosevelt. Grew up in New York and went west and became a cowboy and that toughened him up so he was able to come back to New York and get into politics. He was police commissioner here for two years and after that, being President was kind of a cinch. No sweat. That's the Museum of Natural History, where he and his horse are standing on the steps.

TR: They allow men on horseback in the museum?

GK: No, but they'll let us in because we're going to be in a diorama.

TR: Diorama ---- I had a bad case of diorama, after I ate some beans and fried raccoon-----

GK: Diorama is a three-dimensional display in a museum and the curator of the show, Miss Delilah Cheevers, is paying us an excellent sum of money to sit on horseback among the stuffed buffalo and antelope so that New York schoolchildren can come and observe a disappearing way of life.

TR: I wish it had disappeared sooner so I wouldn't have to live it personally. Wish I coulda gone to a museum and seen it and gotten it out of my system. Woulda saved me a whole bunch of misery.

GK: Well, I guess we better go in.

TR: What do we do with the horses?

GK: I'll ask this fellow right over here.

TR: What's he selling?

GK: Felafel.

TR:  If it's that bad, why sell it?

GK: It's a noun, Dusty. It's a patty made with chickpeas and fava beans served on flatbread. I'll have one.

FN: Yes, my friend, coming right up.

TR: I hope it doesn't come right up. Which it will if it gives you Diorama.

FN: There you go my friends. Where are you headed?

GK; Say, we've got to go in the The Museum of Natural History here. If we tie up the horses to the railing there, would you mind keeping an eye on them?

FN: It would be my pleasure. Salaam, my friends

(HORSES, STREET SOUNDS, MUSICAL BRIDGE)

GK: Well, here we are. And there's the giant brontosaurus.

TR:  So we cowboys are considered sort of like prehistoric?

GK: I guess so.

TR:  Not the sort of thing that makes a fellow attractive to good-looking young women, is it.

GK: I don't know. ----- Hello----

SS: Hello gentlemen, you must be Dusty and Lefty.

I'm Delilah.

GK: Wow. I never met a Delilah before. (STING, BRIDGE) She was tall and lean and she wore a plaid skirt and knee-high stockings and tortoiseshell glasses and she carried a clipboard against her blouse and I never had wanted to be a clipboard before but now I did. She was a curator who could've cured just about anybody. So----- here we are ----- looking forward to the diorama.

SS: It's right down this way, our Wild West Exhibit.

TR: Excuse me, I feel some diorama coming on, I'm going to go find the men's room.

SS:  Right down that way-----

TR: Thanks. (BOOTSTEPS FADE AWAY)

SS: So----- Lefty -----  there's the buffalo and the deer and the antelope playing ----- and there's the flat godforsaken plain, and the sagebrush----- couple of cacti -----

GK: "End of the Trail" it says ----- that's nice. So you want me and Dusty to be in there, behind glass-----

SS: That's the idea, yes. Sitting on those rocks, beside that campfire. Doing natural cowboy types of things. Sauntering, squinting, spitting, storytelling, eating your grub off a tin plate.

GK: And would we sleep here too?

SS:  We've got some nice bedrolls for you.

GK: I see. And who is this man coming this way?

TR (BLOOMBERG): Hi there, I'm Mike Bloomberg, I'm the mayor of New York. Elected by popular acclamation and at considerable personal expense, doing my very best for the city I love. Hello Delilah----

SS: Mr. Mayor----- like you to meet Lefty, who's going to be an exhibit in our End of the Trail show.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Yes, I heard about the End of the Trail show and I came here to make sure it did not refer to yours truly.

GK: Hope it doesn't refer to me either.

TR (BLOOMBERG): So----- I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy.

GK: Yes, sir.

TR (BLOOMBERG): From out there in the west.

GK: Yes, Mr. Mayor.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Out beyond West End Avenue and Westchester and even beyond Cleveland.

GK: Yes, sir.

TR (BLOOMBERG): I went to Cleveland once. Very nice city but the coffee is a little thin.

GK: It gets thicker out west.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Could I speak with you privately for a moment, Mr. Lefty?

GK: Yes, of course.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Excuse us, Delilah.

SS: I'll see you in my office, Lefty. (FOOTSTEPS OFF)

TR ( BLOOMBERG): I'll come right to the point, Lefty.

GK: Good.

TR (BLOOMBERG): It what we New Yorkers do and that's why people think we're pushy. We get to the point.

GK: Okay.

TR (BLOOMBERG): The country needs me, Lefty. I'm a moderate. A Democratic Republican. All over America, the moderate Republicans have gone the way of the buffalo. And so the country is being pulled back and forth by crazy people. You've got your Democrats on one side who think this is Sweden or something ---- and I mean, not even Sweden is Sweden anymore ----- and you've got your Republicans who think that prayer can take the place of economics, and these people go down to Washington and they stand around with their heads in the sand kicking sand at each other and meanwhile the ship is heading for the reef, and here I am, and I did not become a multibillionaire by yelling and waving my arms, and now I am tanned, rested, ready to go and run this country like it should be run, but as soon as I get out beyond the Poconos, people look at me like I was some sort of alien being. I went to Iowa once for a political event and people thought I was the caterer. They kept asking me for the cream and sugar. Could you help me?

GK: You need to figure out how to fit in out in the middle of the country-----

TR (BLOOMBERG): Fit in, yes, but still demonstrate leadership.

GK: But you don't want to lead with your chin. And you need to be taller.

TR (BLOOMBERG): I'm looking into that. There's a doctor who does leg implants.

GK: You also could just make sure you're always standing on something.

TR (BLOOMBERG): I do that now.

GK: Good. And maybe you want to do something about your voice. You need to make it deeper and slower.

TR (BLOOMBERG, TRYING): Deeper and slower.

GK: Slower.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Slower.

GK: And deeper.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Deeper.

GK: You tend to say your vowels up in your nose, you want to get them down by your bellybutton.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Vowels deeper. From the navel.

GK: It might help to sing.

TR (BLOOMBERG): You think so?

GK: I mean, you don't want to do it in public.

TR (BLOOMBERG): No, certainly not.

GK: Americans do not want a singing president.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Mike Huckleberry found that out real quick.

GK: But it's a good vocal exercise.

TR (BLOOMBERG) (CLEARS THROAT): Gimme your guitar for a minute.

GK: There you go.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Thanks. (STRUMS AND SINGS)

As I go a-walkin'
My spurs are a-jinglin'
I can take on
All those big candidates;
I ride the subway
Down to my office,
I'm the 10th richest man
In the United States.

Whoopee ti yi yo,
Git along, little voters,
It's your misfortune
And none of my own;
Whoopee ti yi yo,
Git along, little voters,
I know that the White House
Will be my new home.

I am the mayor
Of New York City,
I got rid of smoking, guns,
And trans-fats.
I protect the environment,
I like same-sex marriage,
And I like defeating
Old Democrats.

TR (BLOOMBERG SINGS CONT.):

Whoopee ti yi yo,
Git along, New Yorkers,
It's your misfortune
Out on the range.
Whoopee ti yi yo,
Git along, New Yorkers,
You know you are owned
By the stock exchange.

I am a Democrat
Who turned Republican
And then independent,
But I tell you, Friend,
The reason I am
Feeling so happy,
I'm going to Bermuda
To spend the weekend.

Whoopee ti yi yo,
Git along, little doggies-----
Git along, little kitties,
Git along, little squirrels.
We all git along
In New York City
Where men are men
Except some men are girls.

(SS PALIN WHOOP, OFF)

GK: Well, look who's coming -----

SS (PALIN): Hey, how's that hopey changey thing working out for you, hey?

GK: Governor Palin.

SS (PALIN): Just walkin by on my way home from Fox and I saw the mayor's car outside, double-parked. How you doin', Mike? Here, hold the baby for me. (BABY CRY) The mama grizzly needs a little break. Just stick that bottle in him. (BABY CRY) Other end. (BABY SETTLES DOWN, GURGLES) So who're you?

GK: Lefty.

SS (PALIN): I thought so. Well, your time is up, mister. The game has changed. The people have spoken. Hey, looky here----- they got a little bit of the West here----- sagebrush and cactus and everything------ well, isn't that cute.

GK: Want to see it?

SS (PALIN): I shot a buffalo once. Shot him and skinned him and butchered him right up and made the hide into a bedspread. So be careful around me cause I know how to get rough if I need to.

GK: Take a look in here.

SS (PALIN): Looks just like a TV studio. With the glass and everything. Nice. (OFF) What's this for anyways? (BIG DOOR SWINGS SHUT AND LOCKS) (SS MUFFLED PALIN VOICE)

TR (BLOOMBERG): You just made Mrs. Palin into a museum piece.

GK: I think she looks good in there.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Already starting to attract a crowd. CROWD MURMURS)

GK: Yeah, she's good at that. And you look good with that baby in your arms. Try that in Iowa. Rent a baby and your approval ratings will go straight up. And if you ever get out to Wyoming, look me up. I'm one of two liberals in Wyoming and the other one is not feeling well. Good luck with your presidential campaign.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Thanks.

GK: Work on your singing.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Yodeladi-ay yodeladi-ay yodeladi-ay------ GK: In private.

TR (BLOOMBERG): FADES YODELING

(THEME)

FN: The Lives of the Cowboys, brought to you by Empire State Taxidermy. Got a cougar (SFX) or a grizzly (SFX) or a moose (SFX) ----- you tell us to stuff it and we'll stuff it.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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