December 18, 2010
New York, NY
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Baritone

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GK: ...after a message from Nathan Gunn, America's Most Dangerous Baritone. (GUNSHOTS, RICOCHET. AND STRING BASS NOTE DESCENDING)

GK: Have you ever thought to yourself, I wish my voice were lower so that people would respect me and bow to my wishes? Of course you have. And it's true. If you're approached by a tenor ----- (FN HIGH TIGHT: Hi, could you give me a dollar so I can catch a bus to get back home to see my mother?) ---- you naturally feel distrust and suspicion. Why? Because vocal range is an important determinant of status and authority. It was John Wayne who said, "Talk low and talk slow." Imagine if John Wayne had sounded like this-----

TR (HIGH DUKE): Okay, men ----- saddle up. We're going in.

NG: Is this how a real man sounds? (TR TENOR) No, it's not. And that's why I became a baritone. For the power. For the sense of danger. And now you can too. With baritone hormones (HE HUMS A LOW NOTE)

TR (HIGH FAST): Yes, what worked for Metropolitan Opera baritone Nathan Gunn can work for you. Send in today for your free sample of baritone hormones to lower your voice. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money cheerfully refunded.

GK: Renee Fleming says...

TR (WOMAN): If I had another life to live, I'd want to live it as a baritone.

GK: Placido Domingo says...

TR (HIGH, TIGHT): As I get older, my voice has gotten lower, but not low enough. Not like Nathan Gunn's.

GK: Why settle for a shrill squeaky tenor voice when you can be a melodious baritone? Everything sounds better in a lower key----- (NG: SINGS) E Lucevan le Stelle... e olezzava la terra. ------

NG: See? It's true. All the so-called tenor arias take on greater richness and depth of meaning if they're properly sung in a baritone voice---- (SINGS)  
Nessun dorma! Nessun dorma!
Tu pure, o, Principessa,
nella tua fredda stanza,
guardi le stelle
che tremano d'amore
e di speranza.

GK: -----Even arias that people think of as soprano arias are so much more appealing when sung by a baritone----Listen to this----- (SS SOPRANO: O mio babbino caro) And then listen to this-----

NG: O mio babbino caro,
mi piace, e bello bello,
vo'andare in Porta Rossa
a comperar l'anello!

Let's face it. Singing is love-making, and the baritone voice is the most erotic of all----- the baritone range includes notes found in the mating calls of buffalo (SFX), stallions (SFX), gorillas (SFX), elephants (SFX), and the humpback whale (SFX). Whereas the tenor voice is similar to that of the seagull (SFX), the loon (SFX) and the spider monkey (SFX).

TR: Send for your free thirty-day trial of Baritone Hormones today---- hormones that strengthen the lower erogenous zones or your money back. Send to: Hormones, zero zero zero one, Ansonia Station, Harmonia, Arizona. (STRING BASS NOTE)