December 18, 2010
New York, NY
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Drummer

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(CHORDS)

SS (QUIET): So how long have you been having this problem with "The Little Drummer Boy"?

GK: Two weeks.

SS: Since Thanksgiving----

GK: Yes.

SS: You keep hearing it as you walk down the street? "The Little Drummer Boy"?

GK: It seems to be following me.

SS: In stores?

GK: Everywhere.

SS: When do you hear it?

GK: All the time. (FN WHISPER: Pa rum pum pum pum) It's everywhere.

SS: Let me ask this----- how do you feel about Christmas?

GK: I love Christmas. It's just this one song. It's like a malignant force. I feel like it's taking over my life.

SS: Are you hearing it now? (FN WHISPER: Pa rum pum pum pum)

GK: It's like tinnitus. I wake up in the morning----
(AS SINGS: Angels we have heard pa rum pum pum pum)
it's like a car alarm going off...it's like carpenters hammering in the next room...I start to perspire and my hands shake and I have hallucinations (TR BRIT W REVERB: And we read in Luke's gospel, the angel of the Lord said unto them, Pa Rum Pa Pum Pum Pum.) It's like being bombarded by marshmallows. I have dreams.

SS: What sort of dreams?

GK: My hands are tied behind my back. Terrorists have a gun to my head. (TR ARAB: Talk or else. Tell us your PIN number. We want your PIN number. Otherwise we do the rum pum pum pum. Huh? You want the pa rum pum pum pum?) Help me. Please help me. (AS, SS, TR, FN SING: HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, pa rum pum pum pum.) Isn't there a pill? Something to make it go away-----

SS: Tell me about the elevator dream.

GK: I have a dream in which I am trapped in an elevator (THUMPING ON DOOR, PITIFUL CRIES OF HELP...GET ME OUT OF HERE) and I press the emergency button (BELL RINGING) and it doesn't do anything and I pick up the phone and I get a recorded message.

FN (ON PHONE): Thank you for calling for emergency assistance. All of our emergency personnel are busy helping other people in desperate trouble. Using the keypad on your touch-tone phone please indicate the severity of the situation ----- ONE being the least severe, and NINE being imminent death ----- for example, standing on a narrow ledge on a high floor or being attacked by a raging animal----- (BEEP) you have pressed an incorrect number ---- please stay on the line and an operator will be with you as soon as possible----- 

AS (SINGS): Said the night wind to the little lamb: Do you see what I see? He is trapped in the ele-va-tor. RUM PA PUM PUM PUM PUM.

SS: And what happens next-----

GK: The elevator door opens and a policeman is there...

NATHAN GUNN: I am a baritone pa rum pum pum pum
I have one song to sing pa rum pum pum.
I wear a bad toupee pa rum pum pum pum
Like Robert Goulet.

SS: And how does the song make you feel?

GK: I feel numb. Worthless. Look what I've become.

SS: What have you become?

GK: A bum.

SS: What makes you feel numb? 

GK: The drum.

SS: You don't think it's a shortage of calcium?

GK: No, it's the rum pa pum pum.

SS: All of the rum pa pum pums or only some.

GK: All of them. It's like a steady hum.

SS: A hum.

GK: Like somebody snapping gum.

SS: And you think it's dumb.

GK: It is dumb.

SS: Well, eventually Christmas will come and then there will be no more rum pum pum pum.

GK: And what can I do until then?

SS: Sit on your thumb.

GK: What?

SS: Sit on your thumb.

(BAND PLAYOFF)