December 18, 2010
New York, NY
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Ketchup

Listen (RealAudio)

Listen (MP3)

GK: ...after a word from the Ketchup Advisory Board. (MUSIC)

TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. We wrote our Christmas letter and decided to tell the truth ----- that the kids are unemployed and in therapy because we ruined their lives and that Barb and I are, frankly, a lot happier without them and we have voted to stay married ---- one in favor, one undecided ----- even though we hate each other's favorite TV shows and I am a fully-committed agnostic and Barb isn't sure. We bought a Bible detector for the front door so when the doorbell rings and the detector buzzes, we know to sit very still until they go away. We put up a sign in the front yard, “Thank You For Not Carolling”. And then the other morning after the big snowstorm, Barb said-----

SS: Do you realize this is the first Christmas nobody has invited us over to their house? Nobody?

TR: It's what we've been working toward and now we're finally there. A joy-free Christmas. Turn off the phone, sleep late, order Chinese take-out, watch "It's A Wonderful Life," have a couple of powerful eggnogs, do some canoodling, and go to bed. 

SS: Is that what you want?

TR: What do you mean? It's what we want.

SS: It just doesn't seem like Christmas------

TR: Oh for goodness sake, Barb----

SS: Christmas is a time to reach out-----

TR: It is not.It's a time to pull back and lock the door.

SS: To reach out to the less fortunate-----

TR: What are you talking about??

SS: Would you object if I invited a homeless person to spend Christmas with us?

(LONG PAUSE)

TR: Barb, a homeless person is not going to feel at ease having dinner with people who think of him as "A Homeless Person"----

SS: So we'll get to know him-----

TR: Barb, he's going to tell us a long hard-luck story and then we'll tell him our hard-luck story and then he'll tell us another and  we'll sit there hugging and weeping and he'll say, "I never knew that old white people could be so nice" and you'll say "Truly we have received more than we've given," and he'll say "You have changed my life" and you'll say, "No, you have changed our lives”" and Barb, I don't want a life-changing experience. I like my life just the way it is. Chinese take out, a movie, alcohol, sex, and sleep. Period.

SS: Jim, I wonder if you're getting enough ketchup. Ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help you take your mind off yourself for a minute and look around at other people. Let me make you some beans. With ketchup.

RD SINGS):

These are the good years, so light the old Yule log
Snow is falling, as you walk the dog
Life is flowing like ketchup in egg nog.

GK: Ketchup. For the good times.

RD (SINGS): Ketchup...ketchup.