December 18, 2010
New York, NY
«archive page

Rhubarb

Listen (RealAudio)

Listen (MP3)

GK: ...after a message from Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie...

So this is your first year hosting Christmas ---- your mom got tired of Christmas and she left on a cruise ship (HORN) and she's spending Christmas in the Caribbean, sitting by the pool (STEEL DRUM) in her two-piece bathing suit, and there on her hips the apron marks ----- and the indentation on the right finger where she held a mixing spoon all those years ----- (TR: Allo, mind if I sit down here?) there are men on cruise ships who prey on older Lutheran women (TR: My name is Raoul, I'm from New York, where are you from, darling?)

SS: Omaha.

TR: Ahhhhh. Omaha. I've always wanted to see Omaha.

SS: Oh.

GK: And her cellphone rings (RING TONE: A MIGHTY FORTRESS IS OUR GOD) ----- and it's you calling from Minnesota. (ER WEEPY: I can't do it. My dinner. It's a horror show. I'm 47 years old and I don't know how to cook.) It's chaos. The dog is upset because you put those little reindeer antlers on his head (SNARL) and the cat is upset about her sweater (ANGRY CAT). The furnace is on the fritz (SFX FURNACE WHEEZES) so you called the furnace man (VOICE ON PHONE. ER: Help! VOICE ON PHONE. ER: Please! Now!) and meanwhile you stuff the turkey (SPLORT) and make mashed potatoes (SQUISH, SPLORT), and candied yams (SPLORT) and a plum pudding (SPLORT), and a figgy pudding (SPLORT), and then you notice that your Christmas tree is too tall in the living room so you trim off the top (CHAINSAW) and the chainsaw gets away from you (SFX) and it went bouncing around and it landed on the dining room table (SFX) and then the piano (SFX) and so the house is a mess (RUMMAGE JUNK) and you call your Mom.

ER SOBBING: It's a disaster. They'll be here in ten minutes. I smell smoke. I need you. Mom?? Mom???

TR: Your mother is busy, darling. She is changing into her beaded dress for the limbo contest.

ER: Who is this?

TR: This is Raoul. I am a friend of your mother's.

ER: Are we talking about the same person? Gladys Peterson of Rural Route 2, Omaha Nebraska? My mom??

TR: Her name is Gladys? She said I should call her Angel Hips.

ER: Let me talk to her. Now.

SS: Hello, honey. Merry Christmas.

ER: Mom? What is going on down there?

SS: I'm busy getting dressed. Talk to Raoul.

ER: You're undressed???? Mom??? (STING)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie Filling. 

(SINGS):

But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.