January 8, 2011
Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
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Evelyn

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GK: After this message from the Evelyn Lundberg Counseling Agency. The ELCA.

SS (EVELYN): So how's that New Year's Resolution working out for you? Don't bother to lie to me, I can see for myself. So you were going to work out more and lose those fifteen pounds you gained, huh? Right. Tell me about it. And how about that raw food diet? How long did that last?  Unless I'm mistaken, that was you at the Burger King drive-up window at midnight a week ago Tuesday and I don't think Burger King is selling raw carrots. 

You want my opinion, good intentions lead to major disappointment. The nut doesn't fall far from the tree and the leopard can't change its spots and people are who they are, so why resolve to be somebody else? It's like a bad toupee. Forget it. The world is full of books that people kept meaning to read and never got past page 15. Don't beat yourself up over it.

So you suffer from fear of intimacy, fear of success, fear of the dark, hostility to people in their twenties, and you have the attention span of a fruit fly. Get over it. It's who you are. Here's a resolution for you ----- pick up your darned clothes off the floor and put em in the clothes hamper or in the closet. For crying out loud. And take the dang cellphone where I don't have to listen to you. And pay your debts.

SS (EVELYN): That'll be fifteen dollars. Cash. No checks or credit cards. Thank you.

GK:  A message from the ELCA—the Evelyn Lundberg Counseling Agency.