January 8, 2011
Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
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Ketchup

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GK: ...after a word from the Ketchup Advisory Board.

TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. A year ago, my boss at Federated Amalgamated came into my cubicle and tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Could I see you in the conference room for a minute, Jim" and it wasn't really a question and he asked how's the family and I said Fine and he says, Well you know these are hard times and so we've decided to refocus and concentrate on our core business and restructure the company and reduce our footprint, and by ours they meant mine, so that's how I got fired. They restructured me right out of there and repossessed my laptop with all the jokes and cat videos I'd downloaded over the years and here I am, enjoying my leisure. "Working from home" as they say. Or I was until Barb got on my case last week.

SS: Look at us, Jim. We're disgusting. I gained fifteen pounds over Christmas and you----- lying there like a walrus and you're eating antacid tablets by the fistful and passing gas ----- we made fools of ourselves.

TR: We celebrated, Barb. We indulged in a little festivity. Don't be such a killjoy.

SS: Jim, it's not festivity, it's called binge eating. It's called a cry for help. And look---- you're not wearing your jeans anymore. You're wearing the sweatpants with the elastic waistband and that sweatshirt that's big enough for a family of four. Jim, we have to stop.

TR: Barb, that is just plain prejudice. It's called Sizism, the idea that all Americans are supposed to be thin or else be filled with self-loathing. Well, I don't buy into it.

SS: Jim, we've been eating like farmhands, farmhands who work a 12-hour day and need 4000 calories to maintain bodyweight. They burn 500 calories an hour. We sit at a computer and burn 100 calories an hour. And as we get older, we burn less and less.

TR: Barb, I like myself just the way I am. I am not going to get all hysterical over a little fluctuation in weight.

SS: Jim, I have thrown out all the meat in the freezer.

TR: What???

SS: All the bread, all the sugar, all the milk and cheese -----

TR: The cheese????? 

SS: It's gone, Jim. Jim, we're going on a ketchup diet. Rye Krisp, parsley, and ketchup, and if you need dessert, you can eat snow.

TR: Oh boy.

SS: One cup of raw parsley has 21 calories. Ry-Krisp about 37. You can eat as much snow as you like. 

TR: Barb, please-----

SS: And I'm taking away the car keys. No more drive-through windows.

TR: Please, Barb.

SS: You can do it, Jim. Ketchup is the basis of any good diet because ketchup is filled with natural mellowing agents that make you feel full even when you're starving. Here's some parsley, Jim. Happy New Year.

RD (SINGS):

These are the good times, here in radio.
A brand-new decade, many more to go.
Life is flowing, like ketchup on the snow.

GK: Ketchup, for the good times.

RD: Ketchup, ketchup, ketchup...