January 8, 2011
Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
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Rhubarb

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GK: So you got a face massager for Christmas (SFX)---it looks like a cellphone ---- and in fact it is also a cell phone (RING) and it takes pictures (SHUTTER)—and it opens garage doors (SFX) and it's a lighter (SFX) and it's a duck call (SFX) and it's a tear-gas cartridge (SFX) and the tear gas seems to be leaking (SFX) so you decide to take it back to the store. Your car is frozen solid (FROZEN DOOR CREAKING OPEN) and you use a hairdryer (SFX) to defrost the ignition and it takes a while to start it (CAR STARTER) and then it gets stuck in a rut (SPINNING TIRES) and finally you make it out to the mall and the food court is right there (CHEESY MALL PIANO, UNDER) and a guy is playing piano and trying to sell his CDs and the music makes you drowsy so you get a latte (ESPRESSO MACHINE ROUTINE) which means now you need to go to the bathroom, so you go to the mens' room and when you're done you step away from the urinal and (BIG FLUSH) it automatically flushes.

It's an electric eye. You dance around a little (TK HUMMING, FLUSH FLUSH FLUSH) making it flush over and over and then you wash your hands at a motion-activated sinks where the nozzle squirts soap (SQUORT)into your open hand and then water (GUSH OF WATER) and you rinse your hands and there's the automatic paper dispenser (SHORT DISPENSE), which only gives you two inches of towel at once (SHORT TOWEL DISPENSE, AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN) so you wave your hands back and forth trying to get more paper (DISPENSE DISPENSE DISPENSE)... GK: ...and now it won't stop----- paper is flowing out of it (SFX) faster and faster and the toilet is flushing (SFX) and wet paper is up to your ankles and you try to leave and the door is an automatic door that opens by voice command, (TK: "Open") (TR ELECTRONIC INDIAN: Sorry, I am unable to understand. Please repeat. TK: Open!!!! TR INDIAN: I still don't understand you. Did you say Open? TK: Yes!!!  TR: Then why didn't you say so? TK: I did!!!! TR: And why is this room filling up with wet toilet paper??

And now foam is pouring out of the soap dispenser (SFX) and then you remember the face massager/camera/cellphone/garage door opener and you call 911 and they answer (MUFFLED POLICE ON PHONE) and just then a man runs in with a big sack full of cash in one hand and a pistol in the other (TR: Hey----- this isn't the way out----) and he slips on the wet floor (TR CRY, WHAM) and the pistol flies out of his hand and you catch it (SFX) just as the cops arrive (TK: OKAY CLOWN, HANDS UP) and wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie.

(RHUBARB THEME)

(SINGS):

But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.