January 8, 2011
Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
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Wildlife

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(ORGAN)

TR (ANNC): And now, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow family of automotive products brings you: Kent Ecccleston, Wildlife Endocrinologist.

(ORGAN)

(MOOSE MOAN)

SS: We don't have much time before the sedative wears off, Dr. Eccleston.

GK: I'm aware of that, Maureen. Just have to pick the rest of these ticks off him.

SS: When he wakes up, he's going to kick, Dr. Eccleston. He's going to lash out with his big hind leg and we'll have a 1500 pound moose thrashing around on our laps. (MOOSE GROAN)

GK: If he starts to move, just pop another hypodermic in him, Maureen.

SS: Where are the hypodermics?

GK: I thought you had them.

SS: I gave them to you.

GK: Maureen, you're the nurse-anesthetist-----

SS: I have the head of a 1500-pound moose in my lap------

GK: I can see that, Maureen-----

SS: I can't do everything-----

GK: I wasn't accusing you of ------

SS: I didn't ask to be sitting out in the woods on a freezing cold afternoon while you treat a moose! This isn't my idea of a good time-----

GK: Maureen, please----- focus on the patient. (MOOSE MOAN)

SS: You used to have a successful practice in Minneapolis, Dr. Eccleston. You treated human beings. You had a home in Minnetonka, you belonged to the country club, you used to go to the theater and orchestra and dinner parties...

GK: It was a good life for someone else, Maureen. And then I got a call --- a call to serve. The woods are full of moose who suffer from woodtick-born viruses that cause the moose to become depressed and it takes an endocrinologist to treat them.

SS: Dr. Eccleston-----maybe depression is part of moosehood. To be a moose is to know despair. They certainly don't strike me as a joyful animal...

GK: I'm a doctor, Maureen. I do not accept sickness as a normal part of life. I was put here to relieve suffering, not to accept it. (MOOSE MOAN)

SS: The moose is starting to twitch, Dr. Eccleston. 

GK: Give it another sedative.

SS: I don't have the hypodermics, Doctor. You do.

GK: I also think that we might learn things from treating viral mood disorder in moose that we could apply in the treatment of depression among larger men.

SS: Maybe the depression doesn't come from a virus, maybe it comes from eating moss off trees. A moss diet would depress anybody.

GK: Moose eat moss out of instinct, Maureen. Their instinct tells them what's good for them----

SS (UNDER): If only you had instincts like that.

GK: What was that, Maureen?

SS: Nothing, Doctor. Just nattering to myself. ----Do you mind if I ask a question, Doctor?

GK: Go right ahead.

SS: Is there a danger that you and I could be bitten by one of these ticks we're picking off the moose and that you and I could fall into depression?

GK: I suppose so. Health professionals have always faced the risk of infection. It comes with the territory. Tuck your socks into your pantlegs, and you should be fine.

SS: Maybe we should search each other for ticks, Doctor--

GK: Just a few more ticks to remove here, Maureen. Prepare the syringe. 

SS: Did you hear what I said?

GK: Four cc's of testosterone and four cc's of adrenaline.

SS: Yes doctor. (SUCKING UP LIQUID INTO A SYRINGE)

GK: And if you're worried about tick bites, Maureen, I must say that leaving your parka wide open and wearing that rather low-cut blouse exposes you to tick invasion, if you want my professional opinion.

SS: (TO HERSELF) He noticed. He noticed.

GK: We'll inject the moose with this hormone cocktail and he'll regain the will to live, and go on to enjoy many more happy and productive years. (MOOSE MOAN)

SS: May I be frank, Dr. Eccleston?

GK: Yes? (ORGAN RISES)

SS: I think it's admirable that you are so dedicated to relieving suffering, but do you think that you may be so dedicated to this moose that you've become insensitive to the suffering of ---- let's say ---- someone of your own specie who is very very close to you?

GK: I'm not sure I know what you mean.

SS: I don't want to seem needy or clingy, Doctor-----

GK: No, of course you don't.

SS: I don't want you to look at me and think, "Oh gosh, I don't want to work with her, that woman who keeps looking at me with those big brown watery eyes-----"

GK: Your eyes don't seem watery, Maureen.

SS: I want you, Dr. Eccleston. I want you now.

GK: Maureen----- we have a moose to deal with.

SS: We have life to deal with, Doctor.

GK: I'm just about to inject the hormones-----

SS: Maybe you ought to inject them in yourself, Doctor!!!

GK: Maureen---- Maureen, what are you doing????

SS: This is for your own good, Doctor. (THEY STRUGGLE. POP OF THE HYPO. GK REACT)

GK: Oh my gosh. O gosh.

SS: Do you feel something, Doctor Eccleston? (GK MOANS, MOOSE MOANS) Doctor Eccleston-----

GK: SINGS A BIG NOTE

SS: Oh wow. This is better than I even hoped for. (MOOSE MOAN) Oh shut up. (MOOSE WHIMPER) Go eat some moss.

GK: SINGS-----

Come to me, my little gypsy sweetheart
Wild little woodland dove
Can you hear the song that tells you
All my heart's true love-----

SS: Oh my darling-----

(ORGAN)

TR (ANNC): Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow family of automotive products has brought you: Kent Ecccleston, Wildlife Endocrinologist.

(THEME OUT)