January 15, 2011
Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
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Cowboys

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(WESTERN THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Nylon Facial Stockings…..if you like to be left alone and not have to engage in small talk with strangers, try wearing a Nylon Facial Stocking. It really works. And now, today's story...

GK: (HUMS TUNE)

SS: Chin up and to the left.

GK: Okay. Gotcha.

(CAMERA SHUTTER, THREE SHOTS)

SS: Chin up a little more and eyes to the left.

GK: Yes, ma'am. (HE HUMS)

SS: Would you mind not humming?

GK: Sorry.

SS: And don't smile.

GK: Okay.

SS: I'm shooting photographs for a ad for skin moisturizer.

GK: Oh. Okay.

TR: You and me are representing what can happen if you don't use a skin moisturizer.

GK: Right.

SS: And when you smile, people are going to see how bad your teeth are and they won't notice how bad your skin is.

GK: Oh.

TR: You just don't have an attractive smile, pardner.

GK: So how bad is it?

TR: You remember Lon Chaney Jr. in "Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man"? Sort of like that.

GK: So it looks like I'm snarling?

TR: Yep.

GK: So when I've smiled at people, I suppose that tended to drive them away?

TR: Either that or inspire pity.

GK: Well, that explains a lot, doesn't it. Huh.

SS: Chin up and look to the right. Thank you. (CAMERA SHUTTER, FIVE SHOTS)

GK: Kind of a painful realization coming so late in life, that when I was being friendly and approachable, I was actually repellant.

SS: Chin up.

GK: I got my chin up.

SS: Lift up the other one. (CAMERA SHUTTER, THREE SHOTS)

GK: Wish you'd told me I looked so hideous.

TR: I thought you knew.

GK: Now I know why she dumped me.

TR: Who?

GK: Never mind. Woman I met.

TR: That waitress at the Golden Nugget named Emily Merlot?

GK: How'd you know her name?

TR: You talk in your sleep, Lefty.

SS: Keep your chin up, please. Thank you.

TR: Guess you were serious about her at one time, huh.

GK: Well, I'm over it now. Now that I know how repellant my smile is. I was in love but it takes more than one...(REVERB AND FADE) I was in love but it takes more than one. I was in love but it takes more than one. I was in love but it takes more than one.

SW: Hi.

GK: Hi.

SW: Sure is nice out here in the alley on a summer night. The wind blowing in the aspens. The stars in the sky. 

GK: Yeah... I see by your outfit that you are a waitress.

SW: Yeah.

GK: You mind if I set down here beside you?

SW: Be my guest. Pretty smoky in there.

GK: You don't mind if I strum a guitar, do you?

SW: Not at all.

GK: Good. (A LESTER FLATT LICK) What kind of music you like, Emily?

SW: How'd you know my name?

GK: Nametag. My name is Lefty.

SW: I know. It's right there on your beltbuckle.

GK: Kind of dangerous for a pretty young girl like you to be alone in a rough town like Yellow Gulch.

SW: Oh? Why do you say that?

GK: Some sweet-talking stranger could take advantage of your innocence and lead you down the garden path to a whole lot of grief and regret.

SW: I doubt that he'd do it if he saw you sitting here ready to protect me.

GK: Probably not.

SW: I heard you humming a tune when you walked in. My dad used to sing that tune to me.

GK: (SINGS)
Put your little foot, put your little foot, put your little foot right there
Put your little foot, put your little foot, put your little foot right there

SW ( GK (SING):
Take a step to the right, take a step to the left
Take a step to the rear but forever stay near

Put your arm around, put your arm around, your arm around my waist
Hold your arm around, hold your arm around, your arm around my waist
While the moon's shining bright and the music's just right
And you're holding me tight, we will dance through the night
(WHISTLING HALF VERSE)

Put your little foot, put your little foot, put your little foot with mine
With you little foot, with your little foot, with your little foot keep time
Charming tender melody, in my heart a memory
There you'll always be, varsouviana's part of me

GK: (HUMS LAST LINE, OVER AND OVER AND OVER, REVERB)

TR: Lefty---- Lefty----

GK: Huh?

TR: Wake up. You kind of zoned out there, pardner. We're done. She's done with the photographs.

GK: Oh.

SS: All done. What do you think?

GK: So that's us, huh?

TR: We look like death on a cracker.

GK: We look like weve been trampled by a herd of cattle and left out in the rain.

TR: We look like we been embalmed and it didn't quite take.

SS: Well, I didn't say it was going to be flattering. It's photography, after all. Thanks for your time.

GK: Okay. What's that in the background? Looks like a woman standing there.

SS: That's a curtain.

GK: Looks like a woman.

SS: I don't see what you're talking about.

TR: I don't see it either.

GK: There's a woman standing there. Woman in a white apron. Dancing.

TR: I don't see it.

SS: The door's that way, boys. Thanks again. See you round.

(THEME)

TR: The Lives of the Cowboys was brought to you by Nylon Facial Stockings...for when you'd like to just be left alone.