January 15, 2011
Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
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Ketchup

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SW: ...after this message from the Ketchup advisory board.

SS: These are the good times for me and Jim. The holidays were miserable but thank goodness we both came down with stomach flu so we didn't have to go anywhere or see anybody. Give me a choice between a big family reunion and 24 hours of vomiting and diarrhea and I'd pick the flu. At least when it's over, you don't have to write thank-you notes. And now we're feeling better. And all of the Christmas gifts, we have either returned or we've set them aside for regifting in the future. 

TR:  My brother gave me the History of World War II by Winston Churchill. In six volumes. He probably got them for free when he joined a history book club --- his kids wrote in the front of Volume III in crayon. "Poopybird", it says. I'll give it to him for his birthday. 

SS: And there was that Icelandic comforter made from goat wool — it was pretty, but it was 14 feet long. And it weighed 127 pounds. It would've crushed us.

SS: And then there was the talking wine bottle opener, and the little organic hemp hot pads. The stainless steel serving tray--- we don't use serving trays ---- we serve food in the little white cartons that it's delivered in.

TR: The teapot. We don't drink tea. The hideous oil painting of my childhood home ---- I don't want it. The big coffeetable book of cat photographs - 112 cats staring at you with those judgemental eyes. No thanks. 

SS: So we returned them and with the store credit that we received, we purchased a 40-pound box of one-serving packets of ketchup. So now we can have ketchup, conveniently, anywhere we go. 

TR: If you want to keep a bottle of ketchup in a drawer at work, but don't want anybody to find out, tiny ketchup packets are the answer. Also available in mustard.

RD (SINGS): 

These are the good times
For putting on a sweater
A big down parka
Can make a guy feel better
Life is flowing
Like ketchup on sharp cheddar

SW: Ketchup, for the good times.

RD (SINGS)

Ketchup, ketchup.