Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
TR (ANNC): And now a message from the Department of Winter Safety.
SW: It's winter (WIND) and the roads are slippery (TIRES SPINNING) so follow these winter driving tips. Even I know, though I'm from California, you should carry flares in your trunk (SFX) and jumper cables (SFX) which you can also use as heart paddles (TK: Clear! THUK). Always carry a chainsaw (SFX), a change of underwear (WAISTBAND SNAP), a St. Bernard (WOOF), and a journal (SCRIBBLING, TK: "My personal journey has taken me to places I hope never to see again"),
Even a Californian knows: take it slow (SLOW DRIVING ON SNOW), if you hit a patch of ice (SKID), pump the brakes (PUMPING BRAKES). And steer gently in the direction that the back end of your car is moving. And if your car goes through the ice (ICE CRACKS) and starts to sink (CAR SINKING)---roll down the windows and get out (CALM HUMMING) and let your St. Bernard lead you to safety. (WOOF)
But there's one thing a Californian knows that most Midwesterners don't and that's ----- Don't Go Out. Stay Home. (WIND, DOOR CLOSES, LOCKS). Call in sick. Make a nest. Call for food delivery. Hot and sour soup, vegetable wonton and green tea. And listen to the radio. That's why we're here.(SLIP RIGHT INTO FIDDLE INTRO AND TUNE)