January 22, 2011
Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
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Groucho

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TR: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. One morning I shot an elephant in my Pajamas. What the elephant was doing in my pajamas I'll never know.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution? I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Whatever it is, I'm against it. Now, uh, you tell me what you know.