January 22, 2011
Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
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Jokes

Here are the jokes from the January 22, 2011 Joke Show.

We received over 3300 jokes through the website. Thanks for submitting them!
These are the ones we featured:

What does your father do for a living?
He is a magician. He cuts people in two.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Yes, one half-brother and one half-sister....

Adam and Eve were naming animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, "What shall we call this one?"
"Why don't we call it a rhinoceros"?
"But, why?"
"Because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we've seen so far."

Did you know Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz could have gone back home ---- she did have a debit card with her? But there were no banks in Oz, that's why she kept crying out "ATM! ATM!"

A man walks into a clock repair shop and the repairman is German and says: So? Vat sims to be ze problem?
It's my grandfather clock. It doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.
Mmm-Hm! I sink I can fix zis. Let me look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock!

Three businessmen on a plane. First guy says, "That suit looks great on you. You must be a Harvard man." Second guy says, "Yes, thank you. I did go to Harvard. And with that classy briefcase, I would guess that you went to Yale." First guy says, "Yes, I am a Yale man." They both look at the third guy, and they say, "You must have gone to University of Oklahoma." Third guy says, "Why yes, I did. How could you tell?"  "We saw your class ring when you picked your nose."

It got cold in Minnesota and the nudist camp put out a sign, "We are open but we are clothed".

There was a midget who joined a nudist colony but he was asked to leave because he kept poking his nose into everybody's business.

They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

So the priest wanted to get away from his priesthood for an afternoon and he went to a nudist camp and a beautiful young woman walked up and said, "Hi Father." He said, "How did you know it was me?" She said, "I'm Sister Catherine, remember?"

Please, help me. I haven't eaten anything for days.
God, I wish I had your willpower.

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

The man and wife walked out of divorce court in Mississippi and the man said, "Stop crying. So we got a divorce-----You're still my cousin!"

So there was the robber who broke into the public radio station and stole a hundred thousand dollars worth of pledges.

A Baptist preacher and a priest sat next to each other on a plane. When the flight attendant asked what they'd like to drink, the priest said he'd like a glass of wine. The preacher asked for a soft drink saying Christians should avoid alcohol. The priest said, "Jesus drank wine." The Baptist said, "I know and I would have thought a lot more of Him if he hadn't."

Ask me what's the secret of comedy
OK, what's the –
TIMING!__________________________

You can say what you like about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools and playgrounds.

Doctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody's got my pen and I'm not sure I want it back.

I wrote a single entendre but it wasn't funny at all, so I put two of them together...if you know what I mean.

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, whisper in my ear."

Management was trying to make us a paperless office and then they gave us a paperless bathroom.
Because the manager was a very constipated accountant and he just couldn't budge it.

A man walked into work on Monday with a black eye. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and glared at me."
"Where did you get the shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No, arthritis.'

Why do Italian men have mustaches?
So they can look like their mothers.

Didja hear about the Italian mailman who was charged with sexual harassment? ----He was caught lookin uppa somebodies addressa.

What did God say after creating man? --- He said, I can do better than this.  ----

Why is divorce so expensive? -----Because it's worth it.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Once there was a woman's brain cell that got trapped in a man's head. She looked around and saw that the whole thing was empty. She called, "Hello, is anyone there? Hello?" Suddenly she heard voices from far away, "We're down here..." Men are all alike, they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
But don't get me wrong. Men are good. They can multitask---- I mean, they read on the toilet.  

Why do women knit? 
It gives them something to think about when they're talking.

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb ? ----- None. Men don't change lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on just by rubbing up against them. ------Did you know that studies show that a woman is turned on by different things, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to strong men with rugged masculine features.  And if she is just about to menstruate, she is more attracted to a man with a knife in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

Did you know there are female hormones in beer?
When you drink beer, you argue over trivial things, don't make any sense, start to cry and you lose your ability to drive.

A man thanked God for giving him a wife and he asked God, "Why did you make her so beautiful?"
The Lord said, "So you could love her, my son."
The man said, "But why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."

Marriage is like a deck of cards.
You start out with two hearts and a diamond; and you end up wishing you had a club & spade!

Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he's fishing because he never comes back with any fish...

Marriage and death are two different things. They are very different.
When you're dead, you don't wish that you were married.

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who says it's dark? 

How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 50.
50?!!!!
Yeah, 50! Read the contract.

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs!

How many Yale graduates does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don't know – lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!

How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb? 
We can't know.

An Agnostic and an Atheist were married and had a real problem.
They couldn't decide which religion not to raise their children in.

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother said, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

There was a terrible car accident. A woman was lying in the street, covered in blood. Someone in the crowd shouted, "Call a priest!"
The woman opened her eyes and said, "I'm a Unitarian."
"Then call a math teacher!"

What do you call a dead Unitarian Universalist?
All dressed up with no place to go.

Jesus took a Unitarian out fishing and the Unitarian accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. Jesus stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it, and walked back to the boat. The next day, a friend asked the Unitarian if he had enjoyed fishing with the Lord. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

What's the Unitarian's favorite Christmas movie?
Coincidence on 34th Street.

It's hard being a Unitarian.
Who do you call out to during orgasm.

A woman hiking in Yellowstone Park was chased by a grizzly bear and she ran to a ranger station where she was arrested by park rangers. It's illegal to run through the park with a bear behind.

What should you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler.

What's the worst thing about living on O street?
Having to go a block to P.

Cross country skiing is easier if you live in a small country.

What do mountains talk about?
A range of topics.

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
"To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump..."

Why can't you starve to death in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.

Why doesn't the Gingerbread Man wear shorts? —
Because he has crummy legs.

How do the Amish hunt?
They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it.

A guy runs into a bank, whips out his gun and screams, "Everyone get on the floor or you're all Geography"
Don't you mean History?
Don't change the subject.

There is a beautiful white bear in the zoo who, some days, is very playful and friendly and other days he just lies in a dark corner and doesn't move. He's a bipolar bear.

So this musical chord walks into a bar wanting to get a drink. The bartender looks at the chord and says, "I'm sorry. I cannot serve you. You're A minor".

Julius Caesar walks into a bar. "I'll have a martinus," he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a 'martini'?"
"Look. If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan. The drink comes and he sees a piece of parsley floating in the glass.
"What in the world is this?" 
The bartender says, "Central Park."

So Jesus walks into a bar and says, "Give me a wine glass and fill it with water."

A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!"
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive."

There was a Jew and a Chinese sitting at the bar drinking. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face. The Chinese says, "What was that for?"
The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor."
The Chinese says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese." So the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking him off his stool, the Jew says, "What was that for?"
The Chinese says "That was for the Titanic."
The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg."
The Chinese says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me."

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." And the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

The engineer walked in and found his wife, an English major, in bed with another man. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She said, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."

A guy liked to go in to Boston Friday night for fresh scrod and one night his favorite fish restaurant was closed so he hailed a cab. He asked the cabdriver: "Do you know any place where I can get scrod?" The cabbie said: "A lot of guys have asked me that in all kinds of ways, but this is the first time anyone has ever used the pluperfect subjunctive!"

An 82-year-old Boston man went to the doctor to get a physical and came home to his wife and said, The doctor told me I have a hot mama."
His wife said, "I think he meant heart murmur."

How do you keep a blond at home?
Build a circular driveway.

There was a blonde who wasn't affected by the high price of gasoline because she always just put in $10 worth.

The blonde joined Facebook and saw that her password had to be at least 8 characters long, so she chose: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Where do all the blonde jokes come from?
Brunettes sitting around on a Saturday night.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
I like Herbie.
I like Herbie who?
I like Herbie Hind.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lilac.
Lilac Who?
Lilac a politician, and you just might get elected!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Bush and Cheney tortured.
Bush and Cheney tortured who?
That information is classified, and you're under arrest.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
I'm a schizophrenic.
I'm a schizophrenic who?
So am I.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting pirate.
Interrupting ---
AAAARRRR.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Hank.
Hank who?
You're welcome.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Smell mop.
Smell mop who?
Ewww. I don't want to.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Owls go.
Owls go who?
Yes they do.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO.

Will you remember me in an hour?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a day?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
I think you won't.
Yes, I will.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
See? You forgot me already!

In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. They were drunk, walking home, and they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
The other friend didn't want to ruin her panties, but she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it.
They went home and the next day one of the women's husbands called the other and said, "These girls' nights have got to stop! My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

The reason the Mafia had Einstein killed was because he knew too much.

(GIRL): Excuse me, do you sell rabbits here at the pet shop?
OWNER: We do. Would you like a fuzzy white rabbit or a fuzzy black rabbit?
(GIRL): I don't think my python really cares.

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?
They were riverdancing.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
At the funeral, there's one less drunk.

How do you find a vegan at a dinner party?
Don't worry, she will find you.

There's a new study saying that vegans are more likely to go blind? It's from reading all of those tiny ingredients lists.

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a hamburger?
One if nobody's looking.

Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don't lose much weight, but from a distance, your friends think you look thinner.

It was two years ago I got married and we got a new dog.
The dog is still happy to see me.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

An archeologist makes the best husband because the older his wife gets, the more interested he is.

The singer came out on stage and sang the first song on her program and the audience was clapping and yelling, 'Once More! Once More!'.
The Singer sang the song again and the audience screamed for her to sing it again. So she did. And they yelled for her to sing it again. She thanked them and asked why ---- and someone yelled, 'It's getting better.'

It's terrible for a singer to realize that he can never sing again, but it's even worse if he doesn't realize it.

What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.

How can you tell if a plane is full of sopranos?
When the engines stop, the whining continues.

What do you call a pretty woman on a trombonist's arm?
A tattoo.

One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see... and he was happy.
As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk... and he was happy.
Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said, "Lord I'm a high school choir director."
... and the Lord sat down and cried with him.

How many church choir directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, because no one was paying attention.

If you throw the accompanist and a church choir member off the top of a tall building at the same time, which one hits the ground first?
The accompanist, of course. The choir member has to stop on the way down and ask the choir director which way to go.

What Do You Call A Person Who Plays The Viola?
A Violator.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

What do a lawsuit and a saxophone have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What's the difference between a bassoon solo and a goose fart?
Vibrato.

What's the difference between a horn player and a conductor?
Two measures.

What's is another term for "trombone"?
A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Why do people play trombone?
Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

How do you get a trumpet player to play softly?
Take away his instrument.

An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and tells the tuba player, "We just went past those 84 bars of rest." The tuba player says, "Well, how should I know that?" The conductor says, "You can count, can't you?" The tuba player looks at him and says, "If I have to count, I don't call that a rest."

As you pass a playground, you can tell which kid will be a trombonist.
It's the kid who has trouble with the slide and can't swing.

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? 
A roaming catholic.

A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

So this nun with hiccups went to see the doctor and he told her she was pregnant.
Really. And was she?
No, but it sure cured her hiccups.

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed?"

Seymour Kittleman was a good man, and he went to Heaven and the Lord Himself greeted him at the pearly gates and asked him if he was hungry.
"I could eat," said Kittleman. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
Kittleman said, "Lord, I  am very happy to be in heaven, but ---- I thought I'd get something more than a can of tuna."
The Lord said, "For just two people, it's too much trouble to cook."

If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. The language that all programmers know and use is profanity.

In the Programmers dictionary, under Endless Loop, it says: n., see Loop, Endless.
Under Loop, Endless, it says: see Endless Loop.

You know you're spending too much time online when you wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail. And you think of going to the bathroom as downloading.

You've heard of Triple A. I belong to AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous.

RAM DISK is the name of a disk. RAM DISK is not a step in the installation procedure.

One man's constant is another man's variable. One man's bug is another man's feature.

Because computer science is not a science, it's a mystery, and that's why we're moving it into the School of Theology.

The only way I can communicate with my kids is by using Facebook.
How's that working out?
It's like talking to a wall!

I met him in a chat room and we talked for two hours and ---- I never felt that way before about somebody I'd never met.

Yeah, we first got together in a chat-room. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber cafe. One thing led to another and we sneaked into a backroom, where she agreed to a download from my hard drive. And afterward we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and, since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared.

I bought a computer that was guaranteed for 90 days and in two weeks it was obsolete.

If the history of the automobile were like the history of the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, it would get a million miles to the gallon, and every few months, for no reason, it would run into a tree.

Whoever figured out my security code and hacked into my computer and destroyed the files was obviously someone very very smart, which was good to know because it meant he wasn't anybody I know.

(CHILD): Daddy, what does Delete mean?

There was a pilot coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog when his instruments went out.
He was circling around and he saw a tall building with a guy working alone on the top floor. He cut the engine and rolled down the window and yelled, "Hey where am I?"
The man said, "You're in an airplane." The pilot made a 275 degree turn and brought the plane in for a perfect landing on the runway 5 miles away just as the fuel has run out. The passengers were amazed and asked how he did it.
The pilot said, "It was easy. I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct an absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is five miles due East."

What did the English teacher wear under her skirt?
A diphthong!!

There were two economists who were shipwrecked on a desert island. They had no money but over the next three years they made millions of dollars selling their hats to each other.

Why did Emily Dickinson's chicken cross the road?
Because she could not stop for death

A man is seated next to a woman on a plane, and they get into a conversation. The guy says, "I just got out of prison for killing my wife. Cut her up with an ax." The woman says, "Oh, so you're single."

Christians have Easter and Christmas. The Jews have Yom Kippur and Rosh Hoshana. And the atheists have April 1st.

Coffee or tea, gentlemen?
Coffee.
Me, too. And be sure the cup is clean.
Two coffees. Which one had the clean cup?

Obama and Jintao walk into a bar; A patron says to the bartender "That's Barack! Who's with him?" Bartender replies "Yes."

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

There was a girl so thin that when she swallowed an olive, four guys left town.

How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.

What do the Vikings and possums have in common?
Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

The Minnesota Vikings observed Take Your Daughter To Work day and they lost, 15-3.

Why don't cannibals eat Pentecostals?
They keep throwing up their hands.

What do the guests do at a cannibal wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.

So-- Why do doctors make lousy lovers?
They sit and wait for the swelling to go down.

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

A man went to the doctor and told him that his pants didn't fit. The doctor weighed him, but he hadn't gained a pound. The doctor said, "You must have Furniture Disease. "That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers.""

I'm so old, whenever I eat out, they ask me for money up front.

I'm so old ---  my sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and I say, "Honey, I can't do both!"

I was on the 18th green yesterday and I hooked the ball onto the highway right through the window of a school bus which swerved into a ditch and burst into flames.
What did you do then?
I closed my stance and shortened my backswing"

Why can't you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because the P (pee) is silent.

A coyote tried to board the plane carrying a dead raccoon and the flight attendant said you can't bring that on. The coyote said, "It's carrion."  (carry on)

Why did the lawyer stop taking Viagra?
It just made him taller.

Old Unitarians try to die on the second Thursday of the month because that's when the recycling goes out.

The only time you hear "Jesus Christ" in a Unitarian church is when someone falls down the stairs.

Unitarians don't like heaven because they don't like gated communities.

Everyone in heaven is in agreement, so it's not heaven to Unitarians.

Ole heard voices from down in his pond and he went to check and found a bunch of young women skinny-dipping there. They all screamed and went down to the deep end where the water was up to their necks. One of the women shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked. I came here to feed the alligator."

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.

Lena sent Ole to a sex therapist and Ole came home and went out to the barn and he was singing a love song to his John Deere because the therapist said, "You've got to do something sexy to attract her."

Ole came back to work 15 minutes late. The boss noticed and asked where he had been.
"Getting a haircut."
The boss said, "On company time?"
"It grew on company time."
"Not all of it."
"I didn't get it all cut off."

A surveyor came and did a new survey of Ole's farm in southern Minnesota and discovered that the farm was actually in Iowa, which pleased Ole ---- he would never have to go through another of those terrible Minnesota winters!

Ole asked Lena to walk across the lake and get him some snoose from the store. She said, Okay, give me some money. He said, Charge it to my account. She said, Why won't you give me the money? He said, I don't know how thick the ice is.

Ole, Lena & Sven are fishing in Northern Wisconsin one summer. Sven accidentally drops his sunglasses in the water and decides to go in after them. After awhile, he fails to come up and Ole & Lena both remember Sven can't swim. Ole goes in after him and after a bit, gets the body up into the boat. After starting mouth-to-mouth..Ole says "I don't recall Sven having breath this bad"...To which Lena replies..."I don't think he was wearing that snowmobile suit either".

What is a parish?
It's the capital of Fransh.

A man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and asked where he was going at this time of night. He said, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse. The officer said, "Really?.... who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" He said, "My wife."

A panhandler approached a college kid and asked for spare change. The college kid said, "No, you're only going to use it to buy booze." The panhandler said, "What? And you're not?" 

So a dog went into a bar and said, "Hey, look at me, a talking dog. How about a drink for a talking dog?" The bartender said, "Sure. The toilet's down the hall, first door to the right.

A penguin walked into a bar and said, "Has my father been in here today?" The bartender said, "I don't know, what does he look like?" The penguin said, "He was wearing a tuxedo."

Jews don't recognize Jesus as Messiah. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the church. And Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

A man walks in to a bar and he sees a drunk who keeps falling off his stool. The man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling down. So he looks in the drunk's wallet and finds his address and drives him home and practically carries the drunk to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. "Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I gave him a lift home." The woman replies, "That's nice, but where's his wheelchair?"

Why did the mustard cross the road? ----To ketchup with the mayonnaise.

What did the boy rabbit say to the girl rabbit?
This won't take long...did it.

What did the female deer say when she walked out of the woods?
I'll never do that again for two bucks.

Ole is upstairs and he's dying and all of his family has come to be with him. And he looks around at everyone he says, "Is everybody here, my sons and daughters and grandchildren?" And they say, "Yes, papa, we're all here." And he says, "Then if you're all here, then why are the lights on downstairs?"
He goes to turn the lights off and he smells some lefse and Lena slaps his hand and says, "Ole, that's for the funeral."

My parents once sent me abroad for the summer and I didn't learn a thing from her.

How can you tell you passed an elephant?
You can't flush the toilet.

Two cannibals walk into a bar in Prague and ask for separate Czechs.

What's the first reference to pole vaulting in the Bible?
When Jesus cleared the temple.

A lawyer gets sideswiped by a truck, and he yells to a passerby, "Look what he did to my car!" The passerby says, "You're kind of materialistic, you didn't even notice that you just lost your arm" The lawyer says, "Oh my God, my Rolex!"

A woman went to a lemon grove and the foreman thought she was much too qualified. The foreman said, "Do you even have any experience picking lemons?" She said, "Yes, I've been divorced three times."

Where does the one-legged woman work?
At Ihop.

A noted sex expert was giving a talk, he stood up and said, "Ladies and Gentleman it gives me great pleasure..." And then he sat down again.

A man went to the doctor and said "So how long do I have to live. And the doctor said, "10."  He said, "Is that 10 years, 10 days...?"
The doctor says, "9...8...7..."

Did you know that YouTube, Twitter and Facebook merged to form a new social networking company?
The new site is called YouTwitFace.

Mr. Goldberg was on a plane for the first time, so his wife drove him to the airport, the flight attendant told him wear to sit, he's a little nervous, and a big Texan in a white suit sits down next to him, they exchange pleasantries. They serve the meal and he starts feeling sick, and he wonders if he should go to the bathroom, but he sees that the Texan is asleep and he can't get to the bathroom. He's really not feeling good, and he goes to wake up the Texan and he loses his lunch all over the Texan's white suit. The Texan keeps sleeping and Mr. Goldberg wonders what he's going to do. When the Texan wakes up and he has Mr. Goldberg's lunch all over him and Mr. Goldberg says, "So, you're feeling better now?"

What did the pirate say to his girlfriend when they broke up?
Well, we'll always have parrots.

A father is driving home and suddenly he realizes that he hasn't bought a birthday present for his daughter. So he stops at the toy store and sees the doll in the window and asks, "How much is that Barbie?"  The owner says, "That's gym Barbie, that's $19.95 and that's Barbie at the prom, $19.95, and Barbie at work, $19.95, and that's divorced Barbie, that's $374"
He says "Wait, why is that one $374?"
"Well divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car and Ken's house, and Ken's furniture...."

These two chickens walk into the Herndon County Library and the walk up and ask the librarian "Book, book, book."
And she gives three books to them. They come back a little later and say the same thing, "Book, book, book." So she gives them three more books. They come back at four o'clock, and say, "Book, book, book." She gives the books to them but she decides to follow them. And she follows them down to a pond where they are tossing the books to a frog who looks at the books and says, "Reddit, reddit, reddit."

These guys were talking about the benefits of boxers vs. briefs. I noticed that they guys who were wild and footloose liked boxers and the ones who were more uptight liked briefs. And they got around to me and they said, "Which do you like, boxers or briefs?"
And I said, "Depends."

Two economists were sitting at a nudist colony. The one said, "Have you read Marx?" The other says, "It's these wicker chairs."

The following two jokes are by the comedian Emo Philips.
Enjoy more jokes by Emo Philips.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I was about six, and I was playing one day, and I saw the cellar door open -- just a crack. Now ever since I could remember, my parents had always told me, "Emo, whatever you do... don't go near the cellar door." But I had to see what was on the other side, if it killed me. So I went to the cellar door, and I pushed it and walked through, and I saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like trees, grass, flowers, the sun . . ."