January 22, 2011
Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
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Ketchup

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SS: These are the good years for Jim and me. We've passed the winter solstice, which means there's more light during the day so you can see the dirt and the food stains better. A couple times a week, we like to go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, good food, talk. Jim goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. He's been busy putting together jokes for a charity banquet he was asked to emcee for the FAA—Future Alcoholics Anonymous. 

TR: I just want to get up and tell a few jokes, get people relaxed. Like the one about the drunk who said: What is a parish? The other drunk said: it's the capital of Fransh.

SS: Oh dear.

TR: So---- A man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and asked where he was going at this time of night. He said, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse. Officer said: "Really?.... who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" He said, "My wife."

SS: That's good.

TR: A panhandler approached a college kid and asked for spare change. The college kid said, "No, you're only going to use it to buy booze." The panhandler said, "What? And you're not?" 

SS: Jim, it's so insensitive. Jokes about drinking?

TR: Okay. So a dog went into a bar and said, "Hey, look at me, a talking dog. How about a drink for a talking dog?" The bartender said, "Sure. The toilet's down the hall, first door to the right."

SS: What's the joke?

TR: Okay. A penguin walked into a bar and said, "Has my father been in here today?" The bartender said, “"I don't know, what does he look like?" The penguin said, "He was wearing a tuxedo."

SS: I don't get it.

TR: How about this one? Jews don't recognize Jesus as Messiah. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the church. And Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

SS: That's a good one.

TR: How about this? A man walks in to a bar and he sees a drunk who keeps falling off his stool. The man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling down. So he looks in the drunk's wallet and finds his address and drives him home and practically carries the drunk to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers.  "Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I gave him a lift home." The woman replies, "That's nice, but where's his wheelchair?"

SS: That's terrible.

TR: They'll love it.

SS: I don't care, it's still terrible. How about this one?  Why did the mustard cross the road? ----To ketchup with the mayonnaise.

TR: That's funny?? You really think that's funny?? I'm not laughing, Barb...

SS: Jim, ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help you appreciate a joke even if it's not that funny.

RD (SINGS):

Life is a joke show,
With Sven, Ole and Lena.
Jokes about vegans
Make you laugh like a hyena.
Life is flowing
Like ketchup on your wena.

GK: Ketchup, for the good times.

RD (SINGS): Ketchup, ketchup.