January 29, 2011
Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
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Lives of the Cowboys

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SS (ANNC): The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Spanish Johnny Spandex Chaps, for cowboys who are still growing. And now, The Lives of the Cowboys. 

(COWS)

TR: Get your face out of that computer, Lefty. Gotta round up the cows.

GK: Evelyn's online, Dusty. I see her little green dot. I'm just thinking about whether I oughta try to chat with her. 

TR: You better do it fast, before your battery runs out.

GK: I donno. I don't want to bother her. (COWS) Maybe she's tired of me. Wouldn't blame her. Maybe she's talking to someone else. Don't want to make a fool of myself.

TR: Then come rustle up the cows and let's eat some beans and hit the hay.

GK: Amazing to think that she's right there. If I clicked on that green dot, we'd be talking.

TR: Look, we didn't become cowboys to sit here staring at the computer. We did it to experience solitude.

GK: I think I already knew about that.

TR: You only knew about loneliness. Solitude is something else. That's where you start to like being alone. You enjoy your own company.

(COWS, TR SPIT)

GK: Her light just turned orange, and now it's green again.

TR: People nowadays can't bear to be alone. Always obsessively looking for company, constant reassurance. Email, chat, social networks, talk talk talk. Us cowboys are the last of the loners. Least I am. I am the last American alive who is not looking for validation. 

GK: Wonder who she's talking to. 

(TR SIGH)

TR: Just start up a video chat. Don't sit and stare at the screen all day.

GK: I can't.

TR: Here, I'll do it for you.

GK: Get your hand away----

TR: Just click the mouse---- (STRUGGLING) Right over her name. (CLICK) Yvonne Beebalo Here we go.

(VIDEO CHAT CHIME INVITATION)

GK: What did you do?

TR: Lefty has invited you to chat. Let's see if she picks up.

GK: How do I turn this off? 

(CLICK)

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Hello? Lefty is that you?

(A BEAT, TR CHUCKLES, UNDER)

GK: Hi.

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Thanks for getting in touch, Lefty.

GK: Is this a good time?

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): It's as good a time as ever. Just taking a break from grading papers. 

GK: Where are you?

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): I'm at the schoolhouse, Lefty. Where are you?

GK: Texas.

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Oh. Okay. Just thought you might be coming into town, is all.

TR (UNDER): See? There you go.

GK: Shh. 

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): What?

GK: Not for a while, Evelyn. We're down here on the trail.

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Oh. Okay. What's on your mind, Lefty?

TR (UNDER): Ask her if she's seeing anybody.

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): What was that, Lefty?

GK: Nothing.

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): I thought I heard you say something.

GK: Nope.

TR (UNDER): Seeing anybody.

(GK PUSHES TR AWAY)

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Someone else with you?  

GK: No. Just clearing my throat is all. 

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Oh. Okay then. Well nice to see you Lefty. You're looking well.

GK: You too Evelyn. You look lovely. I like your hair that way. Any reason you decided to pin it up like that? Anyone tell you you look nice that way. 

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Just you.

GK: So... Life is good?

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): It's all right.

GK: You spending time with people?

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Here and there, sure.

GK: Anybody special?

TR (OFF): There you go.

(A BEAT)

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): They're all special to me, Lefty.

(COWS)

GK: How many are we talking about here?

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): How many what?

TR (OFF): Uh oh.

GK: Nothing. So nobody more special than any of the others?

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): You mean am I seeing anybody?

GK: If that's what you want to talk about, sure--

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Is that what you're asking?

GK: You can tell me if you want. 

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Tell you what?

GK: What you want to tell me.

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): What are you asking, Lefty?

GK: Whatever you want to talk about.

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Didn't you call me?

GK: It's okay. I can go.

(A BEAT, COWS)

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): I don't understand you Lefty. You leave for months at a time and then you call me so you can avoid asking me if I'm seeing someone?  Is that what this is?

GK: It's okay. Never mind.

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Is that a campfire behind you?

GK: Yes it is.

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Looks romantic.

GK: I guess it could be, under certain circumstances. (GUITAR STRUMS)

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Wow. You've got your guitar, huh?

GK: Yep.

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): Sing me a song.

GK: You sure?

SS (EVELYN ON CHAT): Of course I'm sure.

GK: Okay, but if you change your mind, just say so.

(GUITAR INTRO, MOONLIGHT ON COLORADO)

GK (SINGS):

Life at times has been a lonely struggle
Down a dusty trail against the sky
But you're the woman I have always dreamed of
Hoping I will see you by and by.
Moonlight and I'm sitting by a campfire
Out here on the prairie feeling blue
Listening to the owl and coyote choir
Wishing I were back up north with you.
L'amour for moi is my jes nes sais quoi        
And you are the prettiest girl I ever saw.
Moonlight on a lonely night in Texas
How I wish that I were there with you.

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): You're breaking up, Lefty. What was that last line, Lefty?

GK: It was "How I wish that I were there with you"...

SS (EVELYN, ON CHAT): I can't hear you. Lefty? Are you there? Lefty?

(HORSES APPROACH)

TR: Uh oh. Looks like you lost your connection there.

TK: Hey. One of you guys just Twitter me?

TR: No, sir.

TK: Somebody Twittered and said the cows have all scattered.

TR: Sorry, we don't do Twitter.

TK: How d'ya expect to keep track of 10,000 cattle without Twitter? C'mon, let's mount up. (BEEPS) Whoa. Let me see what this is. Smoky's texting me. 

GK: What'd he say?

TK: Says the herd is a mile south of here and heading for the arroyo.

TR: Better ride.

TK: And he says, Thanks for the email you sent, it really made me feel better about myself. Let's go! (GIDDYUPS, HORSES WHINNY, HOOVES GALLOPING)

(THEME)

SS (ANNC): The lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Spanish Johnny Designer Spandex Chaps.