Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, MN
People say they find winter depressing and you know what the problem is: they're watching too much TV ---- (TV AUDIO) they sit there with the remote in hand and switch from golf (TV GOLF) to football (CROWD ROAR, FOOTBALL ANNC GIBBERISH) to some talk show (TV TALK AUDIO) to a nature show (WOLF HOWLS, WIND) and as they're watching TV they're online in a chat room (CLICKING. TK TYPING: I am updating my page now and I will provide further updates as the morning goes on.) ----- no wonder they're depressed. The only way to enjoy winter is to get outdoors.
(TK: Outdoors??) Outdoors.(TK: Now?) (DOOR OPEN. BLIZZARD BLAST. DOOR SHUT.) Just pull on your snow pants and your parka and take a couple of heater cats with you (MEOW) ---- stuff em in there in the big pockets. (CATS) And out you go (DOOR OPEN. WIND. DOOR CLOSE BEHIND. FOOTSTEPS IN THE SNOW) And out across the frozen tundra he goes with the heater cats in the parka (MUFFLED CATS, FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW) and he heads out onto the ice of the Mississippi River (CRUNCHY FOOTSTEPS) which is good and thick after this cold spell we've had. (CRACK OF ICE)...That cracking sound is perfectly normal. Ice always cracks, even in the coldest weather. (CRACK. FOOTSTEPS STOP) It's nothing to worry about. The ice is a couple feet thick and it simply is moving, adjusting to the pressure of the water flowing underneath. (BIG CRACK AND YELP AND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
And now he returns to shore and here comes a snowmobiler along the trail (SNOWMOBILE IN DISTANCE, APPROACHING SLOWLY) GK: ...and you grab hold of that birch tree and pull it down (SFX) and wait until the snowmobile (ENGINE APPROACHING) comes by you and you release the birch tree (BWANG, YELP) and knock the guy off the snowmobile and (TK: SEE YA ROUND, SUCKER) (ENGINE REV) off you go. Winter is all about the survival of the fittest. It's about domination. (TK: YES! YES!) Either you eat or you are eaten. (TARZAN CRY) And off you go through the snowy city streets at 50, 60, 75 miles per hour (FAST PASS, BIRD FLIES UP IN ALARM) and the wind in your face and your long blonde hair flying (FAST PASS, OWL FLURRY IN PANIC), and you head north out of the city, north to the woods, (REV ENGINE) 100, 150, 250 mph, across the wind-crusted snow ---- onward----- onward (ENGINE STARTS TO MISS) ---- little engine problem here----- (ENGINE STOPS, COUGHING) probably gave it too much gas...have to restart it (START ATTEMPT) A little more choke. (START ATTEMPT) Funny, she always started up before. (START ATTEMPT) And now you realize, this is it, you're out of gas. (WIND, DISTANT WOLVES) You're out there in the dark, no lights anywhere, and it's getting colder. The heater cats are cold. (CAT SHIVERING)
Did you bring matches? (QUIET RUMMAGING IN POCKET. TK: A couple...) A couple matches. Any food? (QUIET RUMMAGING. TK: An old peanut butter sandwich.) How about a radio? (TK: A what?) A cellphone. (TK: Battery's dead.) Oh oh. (TK: Got some signal rockets. Three of them.) Go ahead. Set one off. (TK: Okay. LIGHTS MATCH. FUSE. WHOOSH OF ROCKET AND BURST) (SILENCE. DISTANT DOG BARKS) Guess nobody saw it. Try another one. (LIGHTS MATCH. FUSE. WHOOSH OF ROCKET AND BURST) GK: (SILENCE. DISTANT TRAIN WHISTLE) Boy, you're miles away from civilization out here. Well, may as well try the third one. (TK: I used up all my matches.)
Do what they taught you in Boy Scouts. Two sticks, remember. (TK: Right. Check.) Run that string around the upright stick and put the end of it against the flat stick and now you pull that string back and forth to spin that upright stick (SFX SEQ) so fast that it turns bright red and you'll get a hot coal ---- keep going (SFX) keep going ----- almost there----- (HIGH WHINE OF SPINNING STICK) it's turning red (POOF OF FLAME) there you've got fire ---- light the warning rocket (ROCKET FUSE SPUTTERS. GOES OUT.) Bad fuse. Must've gotten wet. Tough luck, pal. Only thing to do now is to dig down into the snow and make a little cave and huddle down there with your cats. (WEAK MEOW) Maybe somebody'll come by and see you. Just bend over and start digging with your hands. Like a badger. (FUSE) Look out! It's the rocket. Behind you! (WHOOSH OF ROCKET, CRY OF PAIN) Your pants are on fire! (YELPS, HOPPING, REMOVING PANTS) Okay. You got the fire out. But you've got no pants. (TK SHIVERING) I don't think it's going to work to crawl into the snow. (DISTANT SIREN) Wait a minute. Flashing blue lights headed this way. (SIREN PULLS UP. DOOR OPENS. FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW)
TR (IRISH): Okay, mister. Indecent exposure. Look at you. Shame on you. What if someone had come by and seen you?
TK: That's exactly what I was hoping for.
TR (IRISH): In the car. Watch your head. Ninety days in the slammer for you, mister.
TK: Ninety days. Perfect.
GK: That'll take you right into spring. Couldn't be better. See what I said? The answer to the winter blues is to get outdoors.(BAND PLAYOFF)